To feel weird about nursery staff putting bows in DD's hair?

[CalonHapus]

When DW picked up DD from nursery yesterday, they had put DD's hair into bunches with pink bows. They were apparently pretty pleased with themselves and were commenting on how 'cute and girly' DD looked.

We mostly dress DD in unisex clothes (which - as she's 14 months old - lots of people seem to read as 'boys clothes'). She has long hair which we mostly tie up into a 'pineapple' on the top of her head. We're not trying to 'make her look like a boy', we just like to put her in comfy, practical clothes that she can be active in. We don't put her in dresses very often because she tends to get tangled up in them or trip over the hem.

AIBU to feel like the nursery staff were trying to make a point by doing this? i.e. "you're not presenting her like a 'proper girl' so we will"?

Do you think 14 month old children aren’t able to communicate their likes and dislikes? Is this your first experience with children?

Yes. Why the hell should my DC be cute and girly?

Not that I agreed with her politics, I was a teenager when a woman who took no crap from men was PM. My mum did not bring me up to be cute and girly. Most of my childhood photos show me in shorts/trousers and tops. Dresses were for special occasions. Girls’ jeans looked the same as boys’ jeans when I grew up - no flowery embroidery or butterflies.

No DC of mine would have been brought up to look decorative.

I take it you got a 3rd then 🥴

Girls can be cute and girly, as well as a myriad of other things - courageous, clever, loyal, kind. A couple of hair bows at nursery isnt going to automatically transform them into a brainless dolt.

Millions of successful, intelligent women like having their nails and make-up done. People can be more than one thing at once. Why is being a girly child (or a feminine woman) seen as such a negative thing?

My nursery re-did hair all the time. 99% of the time they’d come back looking much better than when they went in. I seriously doubt they’re making a point- they’re just re-doing hair.

Id also say that ‘girlie’ stuff isn’t inherently worse than more stereotypical boy toys etc. As much as you try and counter it, girls and boys do often play quite differently. The one thing I was quite conscious about was making sure there was a lot of Lego in the house as that is one of the things research has attributed to differences in spatial awareness later on between girls and boys. Hasn’t made much difference though- my eldest hates building it and would rather play with it once it’s complete a la small world play.

I'd be pissed off too OP. She's your child not a dress you up doll. They must have noticed you favour clothing that isn't overtly girly so I agree it's not on.

Unless she really wanted bows and literally the only ones they had to oblige with were pink...but at her age I doubt that and their comments suggest they have their own views.

I found this hard with my DD because I couldn't find enough ways of saying I don't want the focus to be on her appearance, on being cute and I don't want stereotyped girl things for her. I would prefer you say she is clever, funny, interesting, expressive...

Basically I felt like in stating my preference and views I was risking insulting them by suggesting they were shallow and mindlessly following harmful gender stereotypes, while I am much more high brow, don't you know, and too intelligent for that. This is usually compounded by my feeling conscious of class and educational differences between me and them. And not wanting to seem like a snobby misery guts.

Good grief! Are you normally this precious?

14 month olds don't tend to communicate they'd rather have pigtails than a pineapple 😂

Of course she can communicate her likes and dislikes! What I don't think she can do (yet) is communicate that she wants to change from one specific hairstyle to another (which is what people are suggesting).

wait til she’s 2/3 then all hell will break loose if she doesn’t look and dress like her peers. Next thing you know she’s a tradwife baking cakes and doing embroidery for her ten kids at age 16.

My son would come home from nursery with bunches, should I have been offended because they were trying to make him pretty and girly or was it perhaps because bunches are easier with shorter long hair to keep in all day?

This is such a non-issue. Your daughter will learn of gender stereotypes as her peers start to choose how they express their own identities and your job is to give her the confidence not to feel compelled to conform if that’s what she chooses and the confidence to stand up to your obsessive gender standards if she doesn’t look want to meet the stereotypes. She is not you. You’ll learn this soon enough.

Being so affronted you need to post here about it is really weird, I’m guessing she’s your first. She’s going to be pink princess obsessed by three. Good luck telling her she needs to keep wearing grey joggers and navy hoodie cos gender stereotypes are bad m’kay.

We will have to disagree then. Appearance counts for practically nothing in my line of work, thank God.

I expect all levels of education, including nursery, to focus on activities, skills and values, not gendered stereotypes.

Loving your sarcasm on this thread. Keep doing you. ❤️

I agree with this. People need to let kids be kids, and look at practicality when choosing clothes and hairstyles rather that what is “cute”.

Personally I hate to see little girls done up like a dog’s dinner in fussy dresses and impractical/ uncomfortable looking hairstyles. There’s no need at all and it’s bound to inhibit their play.

Some weird projection going on here.

I'm not obsessed. She's not my first. I don't expect her - or my other DC - to be like me / conform to my beliefs.

This all of this ! I am not particularly "girly" myself but classing being feminine as a weakness harms all girls and women imo especially little girls who might gravitate towards sparkly glittery things and being told NO ! Because it is vapid or whatever can have an effect on them.

That pineapple, top knot style hairstyle falls out a LOT, especially in fine toddler hair. Pigtails keep more hair off the face. Someone slightly less precious might assume her hair fell out and the staff redid it in a more practical style, they had a box of hair bits, and she grabbed the some bows she liked the look of, as toddlers are wont to do, and they indulged her. Obviously you haven't been firm enough in your indoctrination against anything remotely feminine.

If it upsets you enough to create a post on mumsnet you might as well mention it to them so they don't do it again.

Mate the weird projection is all yours.

your saying you don’t want your daughter to be thought of as cute and girly cos she has bunches (shock horror) as if perhaps being cute and girly is a bad thing. It’s one of any number of potential presentations for your child. The more you object the faster she will run towards the pink and glitter.

Why does it have to 'count for something'? Why can't women just do it because they enjoy it?

Exactly. When I look good, I feel good.

So basically you don't think are being unreasonable then? Why bother asking, try chat instead.

You're right - I need to start reading her Andrea Dworkin rather than her usual bedtime books. Peter Rabbit is actually deeply patriarchal, now I come to think of it...

Nothing screams "I'm clearly being unreasonable but refuse to admit it" like a snotty retort.

When I worked in a nursery it used to irritate me when some of the younger members of staff used to spend ages styling the cute children’s hair when they should have been playing with and talking to a variety of children the shy child the child with limited English working with the child who had challenging behaviour etc.

Whats with the sneering laugh emoji? Most people with any basic experience with children know that a child over 1 can communicate the dislike/like for certain hair style/hat/fabric feel/tastes/preferable toys etc. Sensory development during the 12/24 month mark is extremely rapid.