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Original poster

This isn’t normal is it? Mum walking out on her children.

192 replies

LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 15:49

My mum and dad got married in 1981 when they were in their very early 20s and quite soon after meeting each other.

My dad was besotted with my mum, whereas the impression has always been that my mum married my dad in order to escape from living with her parents.

My mum was pregnant with my sister within a year of being married, and then a year after my sister was born she had me (we are only just over 12 months apart).

When me and my sister were 2 and 3 years old our mum came home from work one day and told my dad she had met someone else and she just left, leaving me and my sister behind.

She moved into the other man’s house and although me and my sister stayed there a few nights a month we didn’t see her at any other time.

After 2.5 years she and the man broke up and she moved into her own place. Me and my sister were returned to her care via the courts.

It isn’t normal for a mother to walk out and just leave her two young daughters behind is it?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 04/09/2025 15:51

Yes, it’s less ‘usual’.

any idea of the reasons? Mental health issues? Dad a prick and couldn’t take any more?

how was she when you went back to live with her?

CeciliaMars · 04/09/2025 15:51

It’s not common, but I wouldn’t say it’s not normal. Millions of men do it. I’m sorry you went through that.

kinkytoes · 04/09/2025 15:53

My ex never really knew his mum, he and his sibling were brought up by their dad from a very young age.

It does happen, you don't often hear about it though.

Original poster
LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 15:56

LaurieFairyCake · 04/09/2025 15:51

Yes, it’s less ‘usual’.

any idea of the reasons? Mental health issues? Dad a prick and couldn’t take any more?

how was she when you went back to live with her?

Let’s just say I’m currently having counselling to deal with the toxic and abusive childhood (emotionally and physically) that me and my sister had to endure at the hands of our mother.

I’m starting to think that she never even wanted us in the first place and resented us from the start.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 04/09/2025 15:57

It's not typical but I'd say it's within the range of normal because people do regret having children, it's just hushed up.
Why were you returned to her care full time by the courts?

summerlovingvibes · 04/09/2025 15:59

Obviously not usual, but I'd also ask how do you know your dad was besotted with her / she wasn't with him? Is this just from what your dad has told you?
There could have been different circumstances that you don't know about ?

Original poster
LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 15:59

TomatoSandwiches · 04/09/2025 15:57

It's not typical but I'd say it's within the range of normal because people do regret having children, it's just hushed up.
Why were you returned to her care full time by the courts?

During the divorce she said she wanted us back and I guess 40 years ago the courts thought that children belonged with their mothers regardless of the circumstances.

OP posts:
Miraclesforme · 04/09/2025 16:01

I dont think it's normal, I'm sorry that happened to you.

ZiggyZowie · 04/09/2025 16:01

My mother left us when I was 5 in 1963
I was youngest of 6 .
She returned a year later.
Im 67 now but I still have issues because of it .

Original poster
LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 16:03

summerlovingvibes · 04/09/2025 15:59

Obviously not usual, but I'd also ask how do you know your dad was besotted with her / she wasn't with him? Is this just from what your dad has told you?
There could have been different circumstances that you don't know about ?

It wasn’t my dad who told me, my dad doesn’t even know that I know about the affair or that she left.

I have known for decades that the divorce was a result of an affair on my mother’s side, but neither of my parents know that I know. I only know because I found the divorce papers about twenty years ago.

It was my mom’s sister, and my grandparents (on my mom’s side), who told me that she’d left my dad for another man and that she had left me and my sister behind, and that my dad had been devastated.

OP posts:
PosiePetal · 04/09/2025 16:08

I had a school friend whose mother left him and the family home when he was a few weeks old. His dad raised him. He used to see his mum now and then (she moved many miles away). She isn't very nice to him and there are times when he is NC with her. We are now in our 50's.

I don't ever recall him going to stay with her. She just used to visit him very occasionally.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/09/2025 16:12

LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 15:59

During the divorce she said she wanted us back and I guess 40 years ago the courts thought that children belonged with their mothers regardless of the circumstances.

Show quote history

Has she ever explained why she wanted you back? Odd if she treated you badly, she must have known she wasn't suited to being a mother.

Momstermash94 · 04/09/2025 16:12

My DH mother walked out on him and his siblings when he was 13 for another man.

My DM mother walked out on her and her siblings when she was a baby, also for another man.

Both circumstances have left them with unresolved trauma.

I'm really sorry that happened to you OP.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 04/09/2025 16:13

Your mum wanted to escape her family

Her family told you that she had an affair and left your dad for a bit before getting divorced, making clear that she left you behind and your dad was besotted with her

Who does your mum have in her corner? Is there a rift forming now?

Sorry you had to deal with toxicity 🥺. Was she cruel to you? Or was she struggling due to her circumstances?

One is not forgiveable, the other can be worked through

People leave for all sorts of reasons. Men do it all the time. She came back and raised you. Was your dad a 50/50 parent who lightened her load? xx

Ddakji · 04/09/2025 16:15

It’s not usual for a mother to do this, but of course it’s depressingly usual for a father to.

What isn’t usual is for the children to be moved back with the abandoning parent.

Did you dad fight this decision?

CloudPop · 04/09/2025 16:16

How did your relationship with your dad play out after you were returned to your mother? How did he feel about you leaving ?

jonthebatiste · 04/09/2025 16:20

It's extremely unusual, but I think that's mostly because of society's expectations of a mother versus a father; and a woman's own inner life as a mother (do you have DC of your own?).

I'm sorry it happened to you. The mother-child relationship is formative. If yours was ruptured it was likely because of who your mother was as an individual when she had you. Broken parents often make broken children. It's not right and it's not fair.

C152 · 04/09/2025 16:22

LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 15:59

During the divorce she said she wanted us back and I guess 40 years ago the courts thought that children belonged with their mothers regardless of the circumstances.

Show quote history

I am sorry you're struggling with this, OP. I don't know if it will make you feel better to know this but no, 40 years ago, courts didn't automatically assume children belonged with their mother. She may (depending on your dad's actions) had to have fought hard to get you back.

Theunamedcat · 04/09/2025 16:23

Why is everyone in therapy if their mom leaves but just expected to get on with it if dad leaves? There is such a big movement about dad's being equally important etc etc its always struck me as odd

Anyway my nan left her children behind but it was at the time where you couldn't even get a bank account without your husbands permission he essentially told her she could go have her divorce but would never see her children again I think she hoped he wouldn't turn on them...

Your dad probably thinks not telling you about the affair was protecting you

Pharazon · 04/09/2025 16:26

It's far less common than men walking out but does happen. I knew a woman who ran away to the US with her riding instructor, abandoning her 6 and 8 year-old.

whenimnotcleaningwindows · 04/09/2025 16:26

Sorry this happened to you.
I've read OP but what jumps out is how young you were. I am wondering how you were told this story as you grew up, as it seems to be presenting your father in quite a glowing light, which in my experience with women who leave the home, is unusual. Is this the version he told you?

Easyozy · 04/09/2025 16:27

I know 2 women who have done this. In both cases there was domestic abuse. It's certainly very unusual though.

Muffintopmumma · 04/09/2025 16:28

LaurieFairyCake · 04/09/2025 15:51

Yes, it’s less ‘usual’.

any idea of the reasons? Mental health issues? Dad a prick and couldn’t take any more?

how was she when you went back to live with her?

It’s interesting that you’re instantly looking for justification for her actions. Whereas if it’s a man that ups and leaves he’s just a loser. Mothers can be pathetic excuses for parents too.

sorry on that you had this. I had a very similar situation with my own mother, albeit I was a bit older. I’ve had a lot of counselling but the simple fact for me is that kind of abandonment has left a permanent scar.

DeedlessIndeed · 04/09/2025 16:29

Parents abandoning children is depressingly common. Less usual for it to be the mother, but I think that is partly because of the social stigma.

Clearly some parents feel trapped by parenthood, put their wants above their children's needs and run away. I'm so sorry that happened to you. She sounds awful.

whenimnotcleaningwindows · 04/09/2025 16:30

Muffintopmumma · 04/09/2025 16:28

It’s interesting that you’re instantly looking for justification for her actions. Whereas if it’s a man that ups and leaves he’s just a loser. Mothers can be pathetic excuses for parents too.

sorry on that you had this. I had a very similar situation with my own mother, albeit I was a bit older. I’ve had a lot of counselling but the simple fact for me is that kind of abandonment has left a permanent scar.

Show quote history

It's statistics that show us how unusual it is for mums and usual it is for fathers, sadly.

Often the fathers repeat the performance with other women over time.