This isn’t normal is it? Mum walking out on her children.

[LondonLady1980]

My mum and dad got married in 1981 when they were in their very early 20s and quite soon after meeting each other.

My dad was besotted with my mum, whereas the impression has always been that my mum married my dad in order to escape from living with her parents.

My mum was pregnant with my sister within a year of being married, and then a year after my sister was born she had me (we are only just over 12 months apart).

When me and my sister were 2 and 3 years old our mum came home from work one day and told my dad she had met someone else and she just left, leaving me and my sister behind.

She moved into the other man’s house and although me and my sister stayed there a few nights a month we didn’t see her at any other time.

After 2.5 years she and the man broke up and she moved into her own place. Me and my sister were returned to her care via the courts.

It isn’t normal for a mother to walk out and just leave her two young daughters behind is it?

My Mum left when I was 5 and went to live the other side of the world with her boyfriend for years.
Screwed me up but we have talked excessively and I had loads of therapy.
My father bought me up. I left home at 16 his wife was awful and he spineless.
50 years + later I have a fab relationship with my Mum and no relationship with my father.
OP therapy and supportive friends really helped me heal.

No my my mum wasn't a good parent, although I couldn't see it at the time. I thought the way in which me and my sister were raised by her was normal.

Thankfully our dad was very constant throughout our childhood after the courts made him give us back to our mum.

It was only about 5 months ago that I learnt about any of this (I'm now 42). None of it has ever been talked about until now. It was my mum's sister who first disclosed it to me (I approached her about my childhood) and I have since spoken to my grandparents about it.

She isn't aware that I know she walked out on us, so no conversations have ever been had about any aspect of it.

We went to his every weekend (Fri-Sun) so thankfully he remained a constant in our lives.

I don't know he he felt as we've never spoken about it. He doesn't know that I know all this. I imagine that after prctically being our sole carer for 2.5 years he was probably very upset about the fact we had to leave and go and live with our mother instead.

Yes, my dad and my mum's sister tried to fight the decision (my mum's sister had pretty much stepped into the mothering role of us), but the Courts said that as our mum technically hadn't abandoned us, they decided that we should be with her.

Hope youre able to get the answers you need x

No, it's pretty unnatural. But some women, as with men, put their own needs and wants over those of their children. 🤷‍♀️

Wowsers. I’m so sorry. That must be very difficult to unpick. Is your aunt still alive? Have you been able to discuss any of this with her?

I think some people crave the love of a partner. Ive come across a couple of stories like yours and in both cases, mum left for a new bloke, and in both cases later on had a habit of prioritising new men over her kids. Very sad but i think indicative of very low self esteem/mental health issues

It's certainly not usual, but I know at least 3 women who did exactly that.

One of them left when her kids were just 2 and 4.

It might be worth talking to your dad about it all if you still have a good relationship with him, it could be a healing conversation for both of you. Maybe imagine them both dead, and see it there is anything you would really regret not having asked them in time, and ask that.

My aunt did, in the 1960s, but my uncle was an abusive alcoholic.
She tried to get the dc back, so he took them to his country of birth.
I always felt really sorry for her, as her dc didn't want anything to do with her.
She was very much seen as the "bad guy" whoch I don't think is the case.
My uncle was dead at 59 (alcohol related)

I do have two children of my own, and its having them in my life that has opened up my eyes to the dysfunctional childhood I had. My counsellor said it's really common for women to start reliving the trauma of their own childhood when they have children themselves because they understand what real maternal love is supposed to look and feel like, and realise that they never had it from their own mother.

Whilst I understand my mother may have come from a broken childhood and wasn't in a 'good place' when she had me and my sister, that doesn't excuse the way she treated us. You're right, it isn't fair.

It's certainly not unusual sadly, for parents to up and leave their family. I imagine it was even more common in years gone by when women didn't always have access to contraception, or might have married and been expected to have their first child extremely young. Compared to today when we have the fortune of being able to delay children until we are ready and willing to have them. Or not have them at all.

It's really sad all around when it happens, does it make you feel better or worse knowing you're not alone and that it's not uncommon for this to happen?

I doubt very, vey much that a woman who walked out on her two young daughters would then care enough to 'fight hard' to have them back over two years later. In some ways we were always treated like an inconvenience to her. She would spend as little time with us as she could possibly get away with.

Really unfair. Very sorry this happened to you, and sad for your dad also. Wishing you well.

I wasn't told anything until I was 42, and that's only because I started asking questions about my childhood.

I imagine that if I hadn't started asking questions I would have gone to my grave never knowing about any of this.

It is a tale as old as time. My mum is in her 90s. This happened to her. I had better not say more because it could be identifying.

My mother left me when I was 5 and sister 2. My dad was at that time a functioning alcoholic but soon spiralled. My mother was also an alcoholic. Both me and my sister ended up foster care but not before suffering 6 years under my father. My mother also did the same to her other two older children- I never knew about siblings until I was in my 30s.

She never bothered contacting us at all. Even signed us over permanently to social services when my dad died when I was 13.

She died in 2022. Prematurely from liver cancer.

Good riddance. My childhood and all contained in it gave me severe trauma even aged 45.

I have two young children I would rather die than leave them

Nothing will justify her actions sadly.

I guess I just need to know that it happens to other people too, and it's not just something that happened to me. I.e it wasn't that there was something so bad or unlovable about me and my sister to the point where our mother didn't even want to be around us.

I’m so sorry. Good people have children. Terrible people have children. Most people are in the middle but generally veer towards the former. There’s no entrance exam for parenthood, which many people who have walked this earth would decry. I hope counselling can help you find acceptance and to see it wasn’t you and it wasn’t your fault. I’m also sure you’ll be a far, far better mother to your children than yours was to you.

It's also because the strongest bond in nature is between a mother & her offspring. This isn't just a human thing, it's a primeval instinct illustrated throughout nature e.g. mammals will nearly always fight to the death to protect their offspring, despite the odds, for instance.

A mother must either be under severe duress, has severe MH difficulties, or is just a selfish crunt to abandon her children like this, imho.

As we can clearly see here, with numerous posters sharing their stories, this maternal abandonment leaves never healing scars on the abandoned kids & others (e.g. the poor father & aunt in this upsetting case for instance). Sad.

Good luck OP, I hope you find the healing you are clearly now seeking.

I'm so sorry OP. I know someone who did this - she walked out on her two young children of 2 and 3 years old - and did not go back. She is not a friend, more an acquaintance, so she's never shared her feelings on it, but I do know that it took her decades to get back any relationship with her adult children.

I completely understand how the trauma echoes down the years for you.

I’m sorry you went through that OP. It’s definitely more unusual, but not unheard of. My grandmother walked out on my mum and auntie when they were in their early teens, she had an affair and left to be with him, they even moved abroad for a few years. This was back in the 60’s/70’s. She came back with her new husband a few years later but I don’t think my mum and aunt forgave her for a long long time. After my grandmother died a lot of family secrets came out about the way my grandfather treated her before she left, so I understand why she left him but not why she left her two daughters.

You say information has come from your maternal grandparents and aunt. Your original post also says that your mother married to escape her family.

Do you know, or guess, why she was so desperate to escape that she married someone she didn't love?