This isn’t normal is it? Mum walking out on her children.

[LondonLady1980]

My mum and dad got married in 1981 when they were in their very early 20s and quite soon after meeting each other.

My dad was besotted with my mum, whereas the impression has always been that my mum married my dad in order to escape from living with her parents.

My mum was pregnant with my sister within a year of being married, and then a year after my sister was born she had me (we are only just over 12 months apart).

When me and my sister were 2 and 3 years old our mum came home from work one day and told my dad she had met someone else and she just left, leaving me and my sister behind.

She moved into the other man’s house and although me and my sister stayed there a few nights a month we didn’t see her at any other time.

After 2.5 years she and the man broke up and she moved into her own place. Me and my sister were returned to her care via the courts.

It isn’t normal for a mother to walk out and just leave her two young daughters behind is it?

A cash machine how?
Kids cost money, more than most people realise.

My male relative's mum left home without him and his sister. He would've been around 3 and his sister 5.
Never saw her again, but we heard she remarried and had more children that she did stay with.

To make matters worse, the father quickly remarried (I believe that was basically to get someone to look after the kids) and the new wife definitely resented having them around.

I can't begin to imagine how that makes a person feel.
Sad story. I'm just telling you so you know it does happen.
I hope you are dealing with it, op.

My mum is the most emotionally shut off person you can imagine.

She never, and I really do mean never, has any kind of conversation that deals with emotion. She is incapable. She is completely shut off from feelings of sympathy, empathy and compassion. There's just nothing.

If I ever broached this topic with her she would probably throw me out her house.

It’s really strange that she got given you back after disappearing I don’t think that would happen now unless dad was willing, I think it would be 5050 max

I think having 2 very young children with little or no support could break any women.

Are you living with her?
Sorry I am a bit confused.

Many women with "colourful" histories do avoid talking about the past, for that reason. If she knew you knew she might feel the need to explain. That's not the same as excuse as obviously she has to accept she hurt you. If you want to know what was behind it before she dies that is the only way - other family members may not know the full story or think they do without key bits. Life is complicated and most people make decisions based on the information they have at the time.

I've dealt with a lot of mothers who think leaving is the best thing for their kids. Whether that's because they feel they can't look after them, have an addiction issue, having a mental episode or whatever else, there's always a reason and I've never heard one woman say "just to really hurt my kids".

I don't know about 'normal' but it must have been devastating for you and your sibling when she left, and then confusing when she eventually wanted you back.
Its certainly more common for dads to walk out, but not unknown for mums to do it.

It’s not common and it’s a really horrible thing to do. I’d never forgive her.

She didn't disappear, we saw her a few days a month and stayed over at her boyfriends house.

Apparently that was enough contact for the court to decide that we hadn't been abandoned and come to the conclusion that we should go back to her full time if that's what she now wanted. I imagine the fact she worked less hours probably enabled her to say she would be able to be a more 'present parent' than my dad. Oh the irony.

Indeed they do, I wonder how much she paid to support them after she walked out on them? Usually the answer would be Nothing. Just because she's a woman should absolve her of any responsibility for them.

Possibly she doesn’t have the ability to express her emotions. It would explain the ease of detachment that you experienced.

You suggested that by having her kids she got money, like a cash machine.
I was confused and still am at where that cash was coming from?

Sorry, I didn't mean to confuse you.

No, I don't live with her. I just meant that if I went to her house in order to talk about this she would probably just throw me out.

My guess is that she didn't love my dad, she didn't want me or my sister and so she just had an affair left. I don't think there's anymore depth to it than that to be honest.

The grandmother that you are taking her word as gospel on your mother's situation?

I know several women who left their children. All were abused by their own mothers and/or the fathers of those children. Two left under threat of death if they tried to take the children. Only 2 of these women ever got their children back.

Can't count how many man I know who walked out on their children and don't get demonised like any of these women were/are.

Talk to your mother about your childhood. As one adult to another without the blame. Please also bear in mind, you are stating she has no empathy etc. Hundreds of women are accused of this, when they are actually autistic.

I truly hope you get the therapy you need to come to terms with a difficult childhood and heal from it.

Sounds so odd that this was just in the 80s!

I'm probably not much younger than your mum & would have thought working & renting would have been possible as a way out from her parents!

Ok well it's your story to tell so if that's what you're happy with then that is what you need to focus on making peace with.

It wasn't a perfect situation for whatever reason, clearly, but now you know hopefully you can get some therapy so that it doesn't impact on the rest of your life. You hold the reigns to how this affects you (or doesn't!). Good luck.

Throughout my entire life I have always felt a much closer bond to my dad and I guess that's because during those early, formative years he was the only parent I ever really had.

It's the same with my sister.......anytime we have ever had any kind of crisis, be it as a teenager or as an adult, it has always been our dad that we have gone to, never our mum.

I imagine it confused us and hurt us greatly when we were returned to our mum. It's really sad to think about.

My mother did. Left my elder sister before I was born. Got her back and then had an affair with my dad. Had me and 2 siblings with my dad and left all 4 of us with my dad to live with another fella. All of us under 16. No abuse no MH just selfish.

I hope you can or are no contact with her OP.
I had a neglectful and abusive father and I broke contact a few years before he died. People said oh you will regret it, but I never did.
I would have regretted it far more if I had tried to `make the peace'.

It happened to me too. My mum was very young too… and left us with our dad when she went off to have an affair (that she made me savvy to). She didn’t come back. I think it was down to basic emotional immaturity and not being equipped (by her own family) to have children that young or chose a suitable partner either. I have had a very chequered history of relationships etc and no doubt there’s a link

I’m really sorry about your experiences OP. I’m glad you’re getting therapy, hopefully you can start to heal. I’m not surprised your mum is shut off emotionally, she sounds very disconnected. Regardless of her reasons, it’s understandable this has been massively hurtful for you. Her abandonment is a reflection on her only, but of course it would be difficult not to internalise this.

I do think that women abandoning their children is judged far more harshly than when men do. This seems to be tied up in layers of misogyny and societal roles and expectations, similarly to women being viewed as lesser for not having or wanting children or being ‘maternal’. I think this attitude is lessening, but still prevalent.

There is an interesting film which explored ‘maternal ambivalence’ called The Lost Daughter. The book is even better.

It is. It's tragic.

I haven't spoken to my maternal grandparent much because I know she and my mum have a strained relationship. All she has done is confirm that my mum walked out on me and my sister when we were young. I certainly haven't gone into any details with her about what I know. I know she didn't like how me and my sister were parented by our mum, but she has never said this to me directly. She has never, ever bad-mouthed my mum to either me or my sister. Everything has been hidden under the carpet for decades.

My DWs mum did the exact same

One presumes that when she conned the judge to take those poor children form their father's care and give them to the woman who deserted them there was a financial judgement wherein he was expected to do what she didn't, ie provide financial support.