This isn’t normal is it? Mum walking out on her children.

[LondonLady1980]

My mum and dad got married in 1981 when they were in their very early 20s and quite soon after meeting each other.

My dad was besotted with my mum, whereas the impression has always been that my mum married my dad in order to escape from living with her parents.

My mum was pregnant with my sister within a year of being married, and then a year after my sister was born she had me (we are only just over 12 months apart).

When me and my sister were 2 and 3 years old our mum came home from work one day and told my dad she had met someone else and she just left, leaving me and my sister behind.

She moved into the other man’s house and although me and my sister stayed there a few nights a month we didn’t see her at any other time.

After 2.5 years she and the man broke up and she moved into her own place. Me and my sister were returned to her care via the courts.

It isn’t normal for a mother to walk out and just leave her two young daughters behind is it?

I know someone else this happened to. It came out many years later that mum had been threatened by dad (and by all accounts suffered mental/emotional abuse) but to all family and friends he appeared the doting dad and could do no wrong and mum had abandoned them. Not until dad died did they find out the truth which of course devastated them a second time; how could dad (and their family) do this and why didn't mum have the balls to do something even though she'd been brainwashed to think she was wrong/stupid/mentally unbalanced/uncaring or the kids were better off with dad. Sometimes things are not clearcut.

Of course there are many women who leave their children because of domestic abuse and poor mental health after suffering years of trauma.

But there are some women who leave their children because they don’t enjoy motherhood, they miss their former lives, the drudgery of parenting is something they want to escape. There is something people find very unpalatable about this, as it’s deemed unnatural for mothers to leave. Likewise for when mothers abuse their children, particularly sexual abuse.

My mum left when I was 6. She lived nearby and I went every other weekend. When I was 13 she had another child with new partner and I didn’t have a bedroom anymore. I was allowed to visit for the day at weekends but had to go home to sleep. I was not invited on her family holidays either. No mental health problems or big issues, just the life she chose. She was very successful, professional job etc. I’ve never discussed it with anyone, it’s just how it was.

I had a wonderful, happy childhood until I was 12. My mother had cervical cancer and had a hysterectmomery in her mid 30's. She went through an early menopause and went a bit nuts. She moved away for a job, started an affair and then left my dad after moving us hundreds of miles away from our family and support network. She left me with my dad and he went a bit nuts after. Kind of benign neglect from both for many years - dad had a house for us but was never there and often no food in the house, no loo roll (I now have an issue if we have less than six in the house). They both came good in the end. After years of blaming my mum I came to terms with the fact that I knew she loved me and was just having a really bad time. I was incredibly close to her until her death ten years ago. My dad and I are also good and he also paid for me though. I think my early excellent childhood made me wonder how my mum could ever have left me - and also being a mum now myself - and I wish that things could have been different.

My neighbour left three children but took the dog.

I know a woman who left her first husband (married very young) and 3 dc for another man,leaving those kids with dad

She married the second man,had 2 kids with him and had an affair with another bloke (he was the lodger)

She left the dc (all the kids by this point where between 18 months and 17) and set up with the affair partner,having 2 dc with him (massive age gap) and claimed she felt no guilt at all

I know she's shagging around behind his back (he wouldn't listen if anyone told him as he's blindly in love with her)

Shes hit the menopause now,so no more babies for her but it's only a matter of time before she does it again

She ended up in the daily fail and was slaughtered in the comments

All these stories are a complete eye opener. As many people have said, for some reason it always seems worse when it is a woman walking away from her children. I know societal norms and expectations play a role in that but I suppose at the core of it all is this assumption that women have a primitive bond, a profound love and an animalistic need to be with and protect their off-spring, but obviously not in all cases.

Maybe in that situation but not in ours. My mum's decision was entirely selfish and in the 40 plus years since she left, nothing has occurred to prove otherwise.

My mum left for a while after she split with my dad but then come back and dad left. I'm not angry that she left, only that she come back and that my weak dad didn't try and protect us from her at all.

After what you have said about her the fact she walked away from you was actually a saving grace.

Your early years are so important for social and emotional development at least you were safe.

She is no mother - I certainly wouldn’t be having anything to do with her

My mum left when I was 10 and brother was 11.

Didn't see her for 2 years. Nasty divorce, horrible time, abusive father.

I understand why she left but I can't forgive her. I've tried.

Some of these stories are so sad 😢 ❤️

Some people keeping saying but men do thod all the time only women are judged more harshly. The latter might be true but still doesn't justify what op's mum did. There is also an interesting reluctance that perhaps he was indeed just good and she was just unavailable. The fact that it's rare for women doesn't mean it never happens.

@LondonLady1980 am sorry you were through this. Hope therapy helps you and when she is ready, your sis.

Your update on how badly she treated you is heartbreaking. You survived. You are (hopefully) thriving. You are amazingly strong

People on here are reluctant to say it's not normal. No, it's not normal to leave your children. Not normal when a man does it, not normal and worse when a Mother does it. Her Motherly instincts are fucked. She was a shit Mother. She had no regard for your relationship with your Father and your need to feel settled and safe. How is your relationship now?

Strange comment. I know of 4 people (some my age and some teens) in therapy because their Dads left.

Our relationship has never been "normal". I have always known that to some degree, but only my counsellor has really made me understand it.

For my entire adult life I have walked on eggshells around her......our whole relationship was dependent on me doing what she wanted, saying what she expected me to say and behaving how she expected me to behave. If I ever said anything, or did anything that was outside her expectations I would get the silent treatment. It has always been about control and manipulation. I'm only in her good books as long I don't question her behaviour towards me, otherwise I'm dropped, I'm the Bad Guy and she's the victim. The silent treatment was always her go-to in terms of controlling my actions and behaviours. She would guilt trip me all the time and always say things to me to make me feel like I was an inconvenience and that I should be grateful to her for anything she does, even though anything she did do was solely for the purpose of throwing it back in my face at a later date.

She has never shown any real interest in my life..... I'm there to suit her or fulfil her needs. I've been through some really tough times in my adult life and if I ever tried to talk to her about it, she'd pretty much glaze over and then just change the subject to talking about herself without even acknowledging anything I had said. All that matters in her life, is her, and what she can get from other people.

In the 5 months that we've been no contact she has said some really nasty things about me, and lied bout me, to various family members and I will admit that it hurts.

I can't ever imagine treating my children with the level of disdain that she treats me.

Happened in DHs side of the family (not to DH). 2/3 of the kids are properly struggling with it 40 years on and in turn has screwed their relationship with each other and their own kids.

Its much more unusual than men to leave that’s for sure.

OP, my mother left when I was 4 and my brother was 6. She completely disappeared from our lives, as did her entire side of the family: our grandparents, our 7 aunts/uncles and their spouses and our cousins. (We later discovered she had forbidden them from contacting us.) This was in the 1970s. We had no idea where she was and didn't receive any news of her from anyone.

33 years later, we discovered that she had left for another man, married him and had another daughter. All that time, she had been living about half an hour's drive from us. She had doted on her daughter, our half-sister, and been the "perfect" mother to her. (She had not told our half-sister about us.)

I spent about a year attempting to build a relationship with her but she refused to tell me anything about what had happened and it was simply not possible to continue. I am now NC with her.

The trauma, both from the original abandonment and from the failed attempt at rebuilding, is huge. I will never get over it and I will never forgive her.

Some very sad stories here. It just shows what a privilege, despite maybe not always feeling quite like that, and a responsibility being a (decent) parent actually is.

Terribly sad to hear these abandoned children, now as adults, reveal how they are still so traumatised from being abandoned , 30, 40 & 50 years later. So sad, sorry for you all, to be abandoned as a child is truly a terrible tragedy. 😔

The fact that she abused you and left you says a lot about her

It says nothing about you. There was absolutely nothing wrong with either you or your sister and you were both deserving of maternal love.

I am glad that you had, and still have, your father and a maternal figure in your aunt, and that you have a much better relationship with your kids than your mum had with you.

I used to teach a lovely child with a slightly older sibling, mam and dad already split up, both lovely people. Mam used to help out in class.
One day she didn't come to collect the kids. Ended up calling dad who turned up to collect them with his new partner.
Think I was there another 6yrs, never saw her ever again, not sure if the family did. There was no police involvement so assume she was found OK but didn't want to return.
Kids are doing brilliantly one is at uni and the other works full time. I sometimes see them Dad and his partner are married and they are an amazing family unit.
It was shocking because it was so unusual. but as someone said at the time if it was dad who buggered off no-one would raise an eyebrow!!
Im sorry that happened to you x x

You should consider writing her a letter detailing the abuse you suffered at her hands

Tell her if she continues to lie about you then you’ll consider sharing the contents with the whole family

I think there’s so many points to this.

yes, it’s less usual for the mum to leave but nowadays it’s much more common for 50/50 shared care whoever leaves the family home.

and yes back then it was often deemed children are best off with their mum whatever the circumstances. Not even shared care which the courts would tend to go for over anything nowadays if both parties wanted it.

Sorry to hear your childhood was abusive when you were forced to return. I’m glad you’re getting therapy for it now.

I had a relative who walked out one day on her dh and 2 kids. From what I gather from family he was an abusive prick, she may have had undiagnosed mh issues and he threatened to have her committed if she attempted to take the dc or stay with them. She just vanished, though the dc said they knew where she went years later, just never wanted to see her.

My DM's mum left the family home when my Mum was 8. She took her younger son, my uncle, with her (before anyone asks, he is definitely my grandfathers son....he's the absolute spitting image of him). She left my DM behind so she could look after the home and my grandfather. At the age of 8! If that's unusual now, think what a scandal it was in a very working class mining community in the 1940s! My grandfather was a lovely gentle man but quite reserved. My grandmother was far more outgoing and 'flighty'. No domestic abuse, just very different characters.
My Mum never really got over it, and I'd love to be able to talk to her now as we understand so much more about trauma and attachment.
I hope you can resolve some of your feelings around all this. My Mum had a loving relationship with both her parents (and her brother and half-siblings) in the end, but it really did affect her throughout her life.