This isn’t normal is it? Mum walking out on her children.

[LondonLady1980]

My mum and dad got married in 1981 when they were in their very early 20s and quite soon after meeting each other.

My dad was besotted with my mum, whereas the impression has always been that my mum married my dad in order to escape from living with her parents.

My mum was pregnant with my sister within a year of being married, and then a year after my sister was born she had me (we are only just over 12 months apart).

When me and my sister were 2 and 3 years old our mum came home from work one day and told my dad she had met someone else and she just left, leaving me and my sister behind.

She moved into the other man’s house and although me and my sister stayed there a few nights a month we didn’t see her at any other time.

After 2.5 years she and the man broke up and she moved into her own place. Me and my sister were returned to her care via the courts.

It isn’t normal for a mother to walk out and just leave her two young daughters behind is it?

Yes my aunt is still alive, it was her I approached five months ago when I first started having questions and suspicions about my childhood.

I have always been incredibly close to my aunt, and I suppose now I know why seeing as she was stand-in mother between the ages of 2 and 5.

What was meant to be "meeting up for a quick chat" turned into a 7 hour emotional outpour from both of us she told me the truth of my childhood. It was very hard for us both to face the truth.

My mother walked out when I was 7, had scattered contact (every other month or so) until she died a few years later.
my father, we think, weaponised my siblings and I against her and told us that mother left because she didn’t love us enough to stay. I have no relationship with father either now sadly.

It’s rare but it does happen. Maternal abandonment is a whole world of psychology and therapy as a result of this. It’s complex. Big hugs OP.

You've had a raw deal OP. So sorry that you've been through this. I hope you find happiness.

It isn’t normal for a mother to walk out and just leave her two young daughters behind is it?
Its more common than you think.
Obviously it'd usually the other way round though.
My best friends mum walked out of her family when friend was 10 and sister was 12. The family reconnected over the years. My friend is doing all the care fir her mum but sister won't do anything and us still bitter over 50 years since mum left.
I support families and its not that unusual for dad to be the main carer as mum has either left to be with someone else, is not safe around children, has poor mental health, won't give up an unsafe boyfriend so she can have her children or misuses substances.

I am so, so sorry went through this. You must be such an extraordinarily strong woman to have navigated all of this and still become a loving mother yourself x

She had a bad relationship with her own mother.

Sorry this happened to you @LondonLady1980. It's a very upsetting thing to find out.

This happened to an old boyfriend of mine. His mother walked out on his father and four children, and was only sporadically in his life after that. It impacted him and his siblings terribly, and presumably they carried that into the future with them. I know he was determined to be a good parent, and although I haven't seen him for 30 years I'm 100% sure he is (and that you are).

You can't change any of it. I don't suppose it's as unusual as people might think, just less discussed. I wish you well. Hugs.

It sounds like you've only just started to look at the abusive way your mother treated you and there may be many people with bits of information about your formative years that conflict eventually, concentrate on your experience and how she made you feel.

I think the circumstances of your abandonment and treatment as a child by your mother are inexcusable, make sure you treat yourself kindly during therapy, these kind of life events really can have life long negative affects, some are easy to see but many others are not so obvious.

While I didn’t have the walking out the rest of your OP really resonated with me because my mother did similar. I think my father would’ve potentially had custody had it not been for his job requiring him to work away from home for 50% of the year.

The lasting emotional and psychological effects of my mother choosing another man over stability for my brother and I (I don’t think she should have stayed in an unhappy relationship with my dad though) all came to a head in my mid 30s. With some therapy I’ve made peace with it and concluded that she probably never wanted to be a mother but just had 2 kids in quick succession as that was what was expected of you back then.

Strangely enough I knew a woman in that same time frame who did what your mother did! It was shocking at the time and she was ostracised by quite a lot of the people she worked with.

However, any animosity was water off a ducks back and I recall her justifying her behaviour with, ‘I deserve to be happy too!’

Bloody awful woman that I had no tolerance or time for.

I hope your mother realised how awful she has been and made up for it as best she could.

It is unusual but not unheard of, in the couple of cases I know about from either growing up alongside or my children being in their circle, one Mother left her with her Grandmother as a baby and only sporadically visited, I never saw anyone bar the Grandmother collecting/dropping her off at school and we all knew not to mention her mum, not sure how we knew not to talk about it though….
And in one of my children’s year the Mum had an affair and left the marital home and children. I think they must have some sort of contact as she occasionally appears at school, the kids in this situation are boys so maybe she thought they’d prefer to stay with their Dad.
I think more women should leave if they are only taking the children because that is what society expects. It sounds like in your case OP that your Mum fought to take you back but probably shouldn’t have given how you’ve described your childhood but at the time as you say everyone thought that children were better off with their Mums sadly.

Within reason. I was fostered by a wonderful family who I call my parents. However I have lots if trauma and abuse that still affects me.

And revisiting therapy as I do struggle with parenting. Its extremely hard when you have had no role models or care when you are a young child

She doesn't know that I am aware of this having happened.

I think if I ever dared call her up on it she would rather leave the country than have to face a difficult conversation.

After 2.5 years she and the man broke up and she moved into her own place. Me and my sister were returned to her care via the courts.

If the father had been coping then it's appalling that the courts would do this and no doubt expect him to pay up every month, I wonder how much she had contributed after she dumped them?

I know 3 sets of siblings this happened to and so whilst unusual I think what makes it worse is that it’s just not talked about or acknowledged. One set of sisters got up one Christmas morning and mother had gone. They never mentally recovered from it and one moved far away to escape it all. The other set of sisters coped with it with the love of their dad and he was amazing but again never could get their heads around it. The other one was older and understood the reasons .

all very difficult and I am sorry it happened to you.

Honestly there would have been a reason, but it won't have been you kids.
Most women have issues within their life that can become impossible when they have kids, whether it's domestic abuse, drug abuse or a mental breakdown. A lot of women in the 1980s had what were called "nervous breakdowns" which ranged in cause but was likely as the first gen of women told they could "have it all!" with a job and family and little support or understanding of what that would entail. We now understand far more on mental health and have childcare and flexi work options, plus men have adjusted a tiny bit more into domestic duties.

It sounds as if your mum returned and re-entered into your life. The reason it was unknown was likely due to the stimga not only of leaving but of what caused it.

Nope

Once she was on her own she would see the children as a cash machine and lied through her teeth to get them back.

an ex of mine has full custody of his kids as his wife walked out when they were 5yrs and 6 months. They are still with him 8yrs later and don’t see their mum. Not usual no.

You are a better person than me OP. I would absolutely have it out with her and express all the feelings of both disappointment and judgement. She sounds awful

Possibly.

She didn't show any interest in wanting me and my sister to be a part of her life until she had to leave her boyfriend's house.

Plus, for the entirety of mine and my sister's lives, our mother always wanted to portray herself as the 'perfect mother'. Outward appearances were very important to her.

So many people thought she was a wonderfully devoted and loving mother with absolutely no clue what was going on behind closed doors

To be honest it sounds like her leaving was the right thing to do, it was getting you back that seems to have caused the issues. You were better off with a loving committed father.

I knew two women I worked with who left young children, one left for another man but basically saw her child every day, the other one was talked into having a baby by a husband who really wanted children. She had twins and couldn't cope. The children were brought up by their father and eventually his second wife. They did have a relationship with their mother as adults.

My mum did this to my brother and I, although we were older than you and your sister. The man she left for (my dad's best friend) didn't want children so she didn't give us a second thought. We stayed with our dad (with support from our paternal grandparents). My mum left town a couple of years later so from only seeing her once a week for a few hours (her choice) we then only saw her every couple of months.

Even before she left, my brother and I spent weekends and school holidays. We used to see her drive past to go and see our cousins every Sunday afternoon.

She has largely rewritten history and never acknowledged the terrible way she treated my brother and I.

I wish you peace, op, it's a tough thing to come to terms with.

If you want to resolve it then yes, you need to talk to her.
Maybe with a therapist if you feel you might be a bit emotionally charged?
She may well want to explain what happened particularly if she is in her 70's+ now and knows you have questions.

We are currently no contact.

I don't know if I have it in me to get in touch with her so we can have the conversation when I know absolutely nothing positive will come of it.

I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact it happened..... I don't know if I'm emotionally strong enough yet to hear her try and excuse it.