DH told two year old to hit back

[NachoChip]

Our two year old DS got bitten at nursery yesterday. This morning, DH told DS that if someone bites him, he should hit them back. His rationale is he doesn't want DS to be pushed around and that the child will soon learn not to bite him again.

AIBU to think this is way too young to totally confuse a two year old that you can hit in this circumstance but not in any other. And that returning violence - on a two year old who themselves are developing and learning - is damaging and ridiculous.

Also, AIBU to worry that even if I get through DH now, when DS is older DH is going to teach him to hit back at school etc. How do we approach this? I want to teach DS to be able to stand up for himself but not to fall into this toxic alpha male masculinity that violence is the answer.

Wise MN, what is your advice please?

It’s complicated.

personally I agree and I think with very young children it really is simpler to have a no hitting rule. It’s very clear, very easy to understand and there’s no opt out.

for older children and teens it gets more complicated.

you might find it easier with your husband to just say that nursery/childminders/wherever will have a no hitting rule and if your child does hit they will be in just as much trouble as the child who started it.

I agree with DH. I've taught my DS the same all his life. Plus self defence classes when he was older. There are a lot of violent little shits out there and I feel its important that DS has the confidence and my permission to stand up for himself.

Two is a bit young but “hit back but never hit first” has worked wonders with all mine. Unless you want a timid easily intimidated child.

I agree with your DH, your son should be allowed to defend himself. I’ve taught mine to hit back.

Thank you so much for your responses. You've already helped me to see it in a more balanced way. I'm realising is a very tricky part of having a boy.

I'm strongly on your DH side on this. Especially in a world where the chances of being violently attacked seem to be increasing every day. Self defense is more important than ever.

I find it crazy how many people teach their kids to hit (even if only 'hitting back'). This is likely to make life massively more dangerous for them surely. Walking away from an aggressor is much safer than engaging in a fight with them.

Can I just check though....at aged two?

See I tend to agree with this. I do think self defence classes are great and I want me and my DS to go to them when the time is right but don't these classes also teach that violence is not the way? And there's a difference between self defence and retaliation. That's where I'm trying to find the line I guess.

And also, I still think it's too confusing to teach a two year old that you can't hit mummy if you're cross but you can hit Johnny if he bites you.

This thread is an eye-opener.

I have always been very firmly in the "two wrongs don't make a right" category, but my DH has often expressed the opinion this attitude makes children sitting targets.

Thankfully our dc have not been much involved in anything physical so the issue has never come to a head, but it has been a real eye-opener to me that in fact my DH's opinion isn't the antiquated quirk of toxic masculinity I had kind of dismissed it as.😉

What I would say is that I do think 2 is much too young to teach hitting back. They are being hit because it is a spur of the moment unravelling by their peers who have no social skills or self-control, not because they have deduced that particular "target" child is a non-hitter. Hitting back a two year old is less likely to send a warning than trigger an all-out tearful trading of blows! But later on, where sustained bullying can start to become an issue, I guess it is more relevant.

Agree with your dh.
yes your son may get in trouble ( but the little shit won’t mess with him again).
My dh taught my ds self defence- which saved him from get robbed once - the bloke actually ran away in the end.

I taught mine when littlish to hold their hand up and say "STOP I DONT LIKE THAT" then if it carries on, to give the kid shove them away "I push you away!"

As they got older I definitely taught them to hit back to defend and end the fight and move away from the kid.

More relevant as they get much older but unfortunately bullies especially male do pick on ones they feel are quiet and won't retaliate - then it becomes a whole thing where the kid gets tarred with a reputation as someone who won't speak or stand up for themselves. Bullying and being picked on/targeted is different from a violent mugger or random on the street etc - once they're teens/older they can understand that nuance and know when to run away. But nursery/school is more Animal Planet and the social structures are complex and require more sticking up for yourself

This is more or less what my approach had always been with my dc. I've always said, "don't hit back: walk away and tell the teacher."

But this thread has made me realise that actually isn't really a long-term solution!

Depends..
Mad axe man - run.
2 year old child bites another 2 year old- hit back.
I was bullied at primary age.
Others were not - because they stood up to the bullies.
Bullies will always go for the easiest target.
I hope @NachoChip nursery are trying to sort out ‘biting’ child.
Hopefully it’s only a phase.

It’s a tricky subject but personally I would rather teach my children to be protective over their bodies and defend themselves rather than do nothing.

If a child was to bite another child and they got a whack on the head when doing it, I’d think they wouldn’t try it again.

Can I just highlight that a two year old could very possibly be in a shared nursery setting with considerably younger children. A hit back rule, could mean they seriously injure a child. (Push, fall to the ground). Similarly, what if there is later a baby in the home? Babies reach out, and grab and pinch without meaning to hurt - is it acceptable then for the older sibling to hit them too? Maybe I’m responding as a mum of three (that’s worked with Traumatic brain injuries) but I can’t imagine creating a scenario where it’s unsafe to leave my kids in a room together (or my kid in a room with any other younger children) because of rules we’ve taught them. Two year olds cannot be taught to “hit gently” nor make an assessment of appropriate force. Asking them to shout “NO stop” or “GO away” or walk away is a LOT less dangerous

So basically if someome annoys another he is saying it is ok to hit back, so i presume this could be what the child hitter which could be your child

He is a neadanthal, there is not one good thing I can think could come of this but explains a lot about society though

Thr biter in the future could be a younger girl, how would that work for your child?

Not at 2, he’s very wrong there. It’s also concerning the people are agreeing with him. They are babies for Christs sake!
Your DS is too young to understand the hit only when he’s hit. he has no impulse control and neither did the child who bit him.

As a society in general we shouldn’t be encouraging our boys to hit at all.

Im sure I’m going to get “But I sent my boys to self defence”
Sure pre-teens there is definitely a place for that, boys and girls to learn to defend themselves when needed. But that is not what is being discussed here

I was never bullied at school because I fought back. My dad said ‘hit back but make sure it’s harder and stand your ground’. My quiet and placbrother has been badly bullied most of his school life as he wouldn’t retaliate.

I remember a ned /chav from school threatening to punch me ,egged on by her pals, one night as I was alone. As she swaggered up I said ‘go then but make it good as I want an excuse to knock you out!’ (She had been picking on me and I had been ignoring her). She suddenly thought twice as she realised I wasn’t scared of her and would hit back. She acted hard then my bud came and she said ‘oh you are lucky!’ A few days later I met her randomly again but with none of her mates. I said ‘still waiting for that punch’ then grabbed her shoulders and said ‘touch me again, say anything to me again and I will kick the shit out of you! Got it!’ She was lovely to me after that. Bullies find the weak targets and kids need to know how to stand their ground.

I really agree with this. Two is far to young to introduce ideas of self-defence. And a two year actually shouldn't NEED self-defence. Nature intends babies to rely on adults to protect them until they are old enough - and I don't think two is old enough. That's why they come to us unable to walk to the fridge for a drink of milk or even sit up when they feel like it. These skills are developed and I think self-defence is in that category.

I do think its interesting how many people consider it useful as they get older and have better judgment, and this thread has probably provoked me to revisit my own "tell the teacher" philosophy and consider discussing appropriate "push-back" - even potentially physical which I had always considered a "no-no."

But not at age 2.

What's having a boy got to do with it? Girls and boys can equally be wee sh*ts.

My ds started self defence at age 4 in a class with some 3 year olds. They are taught how to initially use words and a strong stance to tell people to leave them alone. They are told how and when to run away; how and when use physical force in self defence; etc.

DS is a lovely lad now and does martial arts twice a week (two types; one kicking and other one is judo). It’s brilliant. He has never started a fight at school but has the confidence to stand up for himself and other kids don’t give him (much) crap.

I have coached my ds on this since age 4 as he wasn’t capable of understanding at 2 yo. At age two I would still be preaching “kind hands” and “walk away and tell your teacher/keyworker”.

broadly speaking boys tend to be more physical. Doesn't mean a girl can't and won't hit, and doesn't mean a boy can't be gentle.

But generally speaking.

And girls can be very violent with their tongue!

I wish my parents had taught me to hit back. I can think of quite a few occasions
when it would have served me well and prevented further problems.

I am glad you said this as I was debating whether to do the same. It has nothing whatsoever to do with raising a boy.