DH told two year old to hit back

[NachoChip]

Our two year old DS got bitten at nursery yesterday. This morning, DH told DS that if someone bites him, he should hit them back. His rationale is he doesn't want DS to be pushed around and that the child will soon learn not to bite him again.

AIBU to think this is way too young to totally confuse a two year old that you can hit in this circumstance but not in any other. And that returning violence - on a two year old who themselves are developing and learning - is damaging and ridiculous.

Also, AIBU to worry that even if I get through DH now, when DS is older DH is going to teach him to hit back at school etc. How do we approach this? I want to teach DS to be able to stand up for himself but not to fall into this toxic alpha male masculinity that violence is the answer.

Wise MN, what is your advice please?

This is why Fathers are so important.

As women, we tend to always take the quiet path. We avoid conflict and try to reason every situation. But kids need Father's to teach them the things we (you OP) don't agree with.

I'm a firm believer in hitting back. Always.

It teaches your child to be resilient and confident, and it will hopefully teach any would be bullies that their behaviour won't be tolerated.

We had simar when ours were small. Then in reception a boy hit ds, knocked him to ground and hit him again. Ds knew he wasn't allowed to hit- as I had always tod them this. We quickly we t with hit back but never first, which dh had always argued for. Its worked well, they know they can protect themselves and we will back them

"It teaches your child to be resilient and confident, and it will hopefully teach any would be bullies that their behaviour won't be tolerated."

These are 2 year olds.

You think whether a parent tells their kid to “hit back” or not is what determines whether someone is timid or easily intimidated? 🫤

I agree with your husband and told my daughter the same. The day she hit back was the last day she was hit.

I think it’s a good thing to hit back. Honestly schools are rubbish at bullying so you’ll get somebodies little darling who feels entitled to smack yours. The school will say don’t hit back, they don’t want it to escalate which is fair enough but they won’t do snything beyond a restorative chat, the odd missed play time. Of course this might result in aggressive child kicking off so whole class is in the corridor.

Schools hate to label bullying so regardless of whether they hit back it’ll be labelled 50/50. Over time the victim blaming increases as there’s nothing they can do about bully do they are expected to moderate their behaviour so as not to antagonise the bully.

Hit back and it may very well be the end of it. I do think this is a bit dependent on personality I also have twin girls and one of them is pretty bolshie and will give as good as she gets. The other will wail like she’s being murdered and sob uncontrollably which also tends to get a quick intervention. It’s the quiet nice kids who don’t hit back who end up as victims a lot of the time.

Can you elaborate @Ihavetoask on how you tell your 9 and 12 to “hit back but with great nuance”?

Appreciate your message was to another poster but with my DS10, he was attacked by a classmate in a total uncontrolled rage/meltdown flurry of punches and kicks. DS understands the boys issues so threw him to the ground a few times until he quit. With someone who was a simple bully, he may have opted for something more like a smack in the mouth.

I've told him that these are difficult decisions in stressful, scary situations and that providing he is never the aggressor, I won't criticise how he deals with it.

I think children who are regularly hit in what should be a safe space learn that their voice had no value and no one fixes it even when you do speak. Being meek and keeping your head down is a survival mechanism.

Id have zero problems telling my child not to hit back if I had any faith that a setting will prevent future violence.

Exactly this sort of thing. At 2, my son would have thought it was then okay to hit back the boy with Downs Syndrome in his class. Probably at 5, too. At 9, he would understand that a child with that level of additional needs isn't able to make better choices. He definitely wouldn't always make the correct judgement on it, especially with an unfamiliar child, but he would have a much better idea and be able to pick up on some signs.

Girls should hit back too.

The only caveat I'd offer about hitting back is not to be caught. It's often the child throwing the second punch who gets punished. Tell children to be able to explain what happened.

You should report the bite if it wasn't reported to you, and make sure the nursery staff know they have a biter on their hands.

As an aside, if you think the reported or visible bite is the end of the story about aggression by other children in the nursery in the course of the day, you need to give your head a wobble. It's often a case of the law of the jungle in communal childcare settings.

Agree.

At age 2 you teach them assertive defence so if someone tries to hit or bite then stand up, arm out straight, palm up, say No in a big voice. It creates physical distance and should attract attention of nursery staff. You can roleplay it out at home.

That’s not what the post (or my reply) said. I don’t disagree with encouraging a child to stick up for themselves, but the idea that your advice is going to impact their inherent personality is laughable. It won’t. If they’re meek and timid, they will still be meek and timid. That’s not teachable. It’s personality. They will either be the type of person who can stick up for themselves, or they won’t.

I totally understand why parents tell children to hit back, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for a few reasons. First, you’re assuming your child will come off better in a physical altercation. They might not and it could escalate into a fight with a kid who is physically stronger. Better surely to get away from someone who is hurting you as quickly as possible and only hit back as an absolute last resort?

Also, small children are terrible at knowing the difference between ‘by accident and on purpose’ (obviously a bite can only ever be on purpose). And they’re also very clumsy. I’ve dealt with plenty of physical exchanges as a teacher that started with an accidental bump/whack with bookbag/step on foot. Then the other child retaliates because that’s what mum or dad told them to do. Small children can’t make these judgement calls imo, it’s different with older ones though. ‘No hitting’ is really the safest rule for little ones.

Or a nice, loud, "I don't like that! Don't do that to me!"

But don't assume the staff will hear or intervene all the same.

I was hit as a child at school by Catholic nuns as were several other children. Bunch of evil bastards.

I agree with your DH 100%.

Bad behaviour goes unchecked these days, parents deny/lie/respond abusively when confronted, rarely apologise.

Bullies soon learn who will stand up to them, and back off accordingly.

I’ve taught my children that if somebody is hurting them and a firm ‘no, I don’t like that, stop’ doesn’t work, and adults aren’t intervening decisively, then they have every right to defend themselves. I’ve told them that as a physically tiny woman, I’d have no choice but to try and fight back if I was randomly attacked in the street.

Because a 2 year old being bitten by a 2 year old is EXACTLY the same as a physically tiny woman being attacked in the street….

Well none of ours were taught to hit back ages from 1-15 ....good luck when they hit back and the other child has a knife because they've been taught this is the right way to go about it. No wonder kids are growing to be bad teens.

2 is too young imo.
But once they entered primary school I taught my ( girls) to give as good as they got.
Then as they got older I introduced the wisdom of walking ( or running) away in certain situations as boys became older and physically stronger.

I don’t care how old somebody is. If a 2 year old bit one of mine at 2, then they have every right to try to push them off them. I wouldn’t stand there and allow somebody to keep biting my arm.

Push them off-or hit them? Because this thread is about hitting.