DH told two year old to hit back

[NachoChip]

Our two year old DS got bitten at nursery yesterday. This morning, DH told DS that if someone bites him, he should hit them back. His rationale is he doesn't want DS to be pushed around and that the child will soon learn not to bite him again.

AIBU to think this is way too young to totally confuse a two year old that you can hit in this circumstance but not in any other. And that returning violence - on a two year old who themselves are developing and learning - is damaging and ridiculous.

Also, AIBU to worry that even if I get through DH now, when DS is older DH is going to teach him to hit back at school etc. How do we approach this? I want to teach DS to be able to stand up for himself but not to fall into this toxic alpha male masculinity that violence is the answer.

Wise MN, what is your advice please?

Done right, nobody would find it funny.

Actually I would if watching, but I agree, probably not the two year old it was aimed at!

In a nursery setting, this is clearly nuts, and could lead to the OPs child getting labelled the difficult child if no one saw the first child hit him, but saw the retaliation.
We told DC to yell "DON'T HIT ME" very loudly and assertively if any of the other children hit them, which makes it clear to the other child that DC is not going to put up with that rubbish but also alerts the staff to what is going on, and who is involved.

Hitting back to defend and get them away, vs hitting back to punish and restore ego are very different. I say no hitting and come to tell a teacher or say ‘stop, don’t bite me!’ But my son hits back regardless

What does having a boy have to do with it. Girls have to deal with this stuff at nursey/school as well.

My parents taught me never to hit back.

With hindsight, it was a mistake. I am with your DH.

I’ve told my dd to shove someone away that’s hurting her. She was also 2 and a boy went to bite and she scratched him quite badly. He did this before and to other kids. Her teacher said not to worry about it, the boy will probably not come near her again

I agree with your DH, and told DD2 as a toddler to do the same thing when she was getting hurt weekly by a known puncher and biter in her pre-school class.

Four years later DD2 has grown into a lovely, well behaved little girl, and the biter is still a horrible little shit, constantly getting into fights and pulled out of class and being raised by a mother who is big on gentle parenting which says it all really

@TunnocksOrDeaththat only works if your child is able to speak up and shout. ALOT of kids are very shy at 2yo.

I wouldn’t want my 2 year old to be looked after by that woman.

The replies here are appalling! No wonder we have a violent society where men are hitting women if we’re condoning physical violence from the age of 2!

I think you must have meant ‘having a child’

Agree

Applies exactly the same to having a girl!

Hit back

Otherwise you'll just raise a carpet

I think age 2 is probably a bit too young for them to understand but as they get older I agree with a hit back discussion.

DD9 is told to hit back if anyone was to hit her and that's what the other parents I know tell their kids too. It's only come up once when a boy in her class was hitting her on the leg with a ruler, she asked him to stop, told the teacher, it went on a few a days so she snatched it off him and hit him with it. Me and his parents were called into the office, his parents were verbally telling him he deserved it, I asked why the teacher did nothing. No further action was taken and the boy now doesn't hit his peers with rulers.

I think 2 is obviously young but most of the school ages kids I’ve known who have been bullied were ones who never hit back. Their Mums used to say “it’s not in his nature” etc. It’s not in my DS nature either but I always told him that if anyone hit him, hit them back harder!

He did it once (young adult now) when he was about 13 and the kid never came near him again. Unfortunately sometimes it’s the only thing bullies understand.

For a 2 year old, I would just be saying no hitting though and speaking to the nursery myself to try and keep the biter away.

Ive taught my daughter 'hit back but never hit first'... was also wondering why just a boy

2 could be a bit young..

But to suggest that "hit back" is toxic masculinity?

No chance. The whole world works on the threat of being hit back.

Your entire comfortable life is only possible because there is the threat that if anyone does something to you they will be "hit back". You, your husband, The police, the courts, the army etc. at all stages there are deterants of force that keep people mostly in-line.

The only difference is that we mostly defer the "hitting back" to other people these days. But the physical threat that keeps you from being attacked still exists and certainly isn't toxic at all.

Only in Defence. … never start a fight , but always finish one !

Is no one thinking the kids bullying your kid likely are being taught the same thing at home?

Is no one thinking the kids bullying your kid likely are being taught the same thing at home?

There not hitting back though, there the ones hitting first

violence breeds violence and teaching kids to rely on it rather than telling an adult is not helpful to anyone. Your kid hits them back, they go to tell teacher, teacher says your kid hit first. No you're kid is the bully and other kids will hit them, they'll lash out other kid tells the teacher that kid hit me first, and on it goes

i think its a bit neglectful personally. Because if a child is having problems like that he should be able to get help from adults rather than left with hit back suggestion