Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

If it was just the odd night while mum was at work then I'd let it slide but no, i wouldn't allow my daughter to live 50% of the time in a stinking flat with no bedroom of her own being subjected to passive smoking and all the health risks that that brings. I'd speak to your ex about your daughter living with you full time, if she says no, I'd go to court.

Gather evidence about the conditions your daughter is living in and proof your ex has told you that she will be living with her grandma and go to court asking for full custody.

I’d speak to a solicitor and find out what you can do. If your dd has moved into her grandmothers house then I’d be taking her to court to remove 50/50. I’d also stop paying her maintenance

I would guess she doesn't want you to have formal custody as she will lose UC, child benefit, and the £1k a month maintenance. So I'd contact her and say you don't think it's in your daughters best interests to live 50pc of the time in a home where she doesn't have a bedroom and has a smokey environment. If money isn't an issue to you I'd say you will keep the current financial arrangement for now, as long as she will have your daughter at hers when she isn't working. I'd ask to trial your daughter staying with you when she is usually at her grandmothers and then review in a couple of months. If she won't do this then you've been more than reasonable so you will have to then go to court. I'd suggest mediation first. Speak to a solicitor about your autism as there must be some reasonable adjustments (and have a think about what that might look like e.g. more time to answer questions, or you discuss each question with a solicitor and they answer on your behalf)

Oh come on ffs. At least read the OPs posts before posting such utter nonsense. You seriously think he hasn't talked to his ex about this? I despair at some posters on here.

@stayathomershe's not struggling, she had a daytime job with decent pay, gets benefits, and help with housing on top of me giving her £1000pm, she was actually the first one to move on as she got a new partner after 5 months but they broke up 2 years ago, I did nothing wrong in getting married, there's absolutely no reason for my daughter to be living there way she is being forced to live

I think your ex has another partner and doesn't want her daughter around at the moment.

I don't think you should hand your daughter over at the next hand over. The police won't remove her from your care.

I think people have also missed that the OP has said he has autism so might well come across abrupt without meaning to.

@Slowdownyouredoingfine myself and my wife have our own businesses and earn well, i pay £250pw to ex so that our daughter can have the same quality of life with her mother as she does with me

I know 😅 but wouldn't it have been good if it had been Australians.....🤔🤔

This. It seems that this is a full time living arrangement, not just overnight stays, and the DD herself is unhappy. If there is no court order to return the child to the grandmothers’ care then OP has no obligation to do that. I’d be refusing access and applying to the courts for full custody.

Ignore @IBEAN, OP, there’s always at least one poster on every thread that likes to try and pick apart the OP because, I dunno, maybe they think they’re smarter than everyone else or they feel like the post is attacking them in some way? Not worth getting exercised over - they’re just trying to get you to snap back so they can look all smug and say, “See? You’re not all lovely either. I’m right to pull you apart.” They forget it’s real people, dealing with real issues.

You’ve set out a really clear scenario here and sorry it’s happening to your daughter - it doesn’t sound like she’s massively happy with this new arrangement either. Worth talking to the mum and seeing if you can move to more nights at yours with maybe 1 or 2 with the mum - on the proviso that it actually is at the mum’s not the gran’s. You say you’ve always had a good relationship with her so worth exploring whether this is a possibility.

@Neil90 Why do you think ex has done this? Is she struggling? It’s so unusual for a mother to effectively hand over care of their child to someone else. Does she have other children? If her only reason for not allowing you to have her full time is because she’ll feel like a bad mum she’s being incredibly selfish & not putting her daughter before her reputation.

I’m a family solicitor. There are potentially some safeguarding concerns (child not having a bed would be the main one) I would suggest you book to see a solicitor and go from there. Court is a final resort so don’t get ahead of yourself.

Neil90

Im just saying it was my first thought, even if she’s not struggling, she’s a single mum working a very tough job and you’re remarried. I honestly amn’t taking away from the fact you’re in a very tough situation, it was just you wondered why mothers weren’t siding with you a hundred percent

I think OP and other posters would do well to remember that all this has happened since last week. It isn't a long standing arrangement. Let the dust settle and get some legal advice, but in the meantime communicate calmly. This is a very new change, and could all change again very quickly. No need to go nuclear when all has been civil up to now.

@Slowdownyouredoingfine she won't allow me my daughter full time as she believes she won't be a mother If she does this, she has no other children and I have no reason to believe she is struggling with anything

Saying we don't believe a poster is genuine, it's not troll hunting. This is AIBU and this forum often has opening posts, and posters, that are questioned because some of us don't believe their stories.

On the face of it you neem genuine but actually I think your offering a bad deal TBH. Why does she need to hand you full custody because she works some nights? Surely she doesn't work 7/7 nights so why wouldn't she have her daughter then? Why can't you have only the nights her gran has her?

@aCatCalledFawkes because the nan has her the whole time she is in ‘mums’ care.

@Rosebud987 has given you some good advice, get the ball rolling.

@aCatCalledFawkes because the nan has her the whole time she is in ‘mums’ care.

@Rosebud987 has given you some good advice, get the ball rolling.

@aCatCalledFawkes because she doesn't want to, these are all things I've already suggested to her, she does not wish for daughter to live between 3 homes so has handed her over to her mother and will waiting her at the flat when she can

True - but courts will divide custody between parents. Grandparents do not have rights when it comes to children. If mother has relinquished 100% of her custody to the grandmother (I am going to guess it is as other PPs suggest, and she has an new BF who does not want her child in the home), then the father is highly likely to be allocated full custody not least because it is in the interests of the child to have a single stable home, with a bed/bedroom over being dumped at a grandparent’s on the sofa.

He should go to court and unless mum is proving that the money he provides is being given to the grandmother for the child’s care, he’s within his rights to stop making the payment - after all, it’s not being spent on his child as far as he knows, is it?

TBH, I would probably start the process immediately with a call to social services and an emergency/temporary court order so that he can refuse to hand the child back to the grandmother who, I repeat, has no rights in law to have her back.

@Neil90
Does your ex have a new partner?

No need to snap