Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

CORAM might be able to offer you some initial free advice, as well as looking on the CAFCASS website.

There's no way on earth you're a solicitor. No-one believes that.😂😂😂😂😂

Thank you for all the helpful comments, im taking notes and will be moving forward, step daughter due home from school soon and she will have seen daughter today as they share a playground, i will be collecting my daughter from school tomorrow as previously arranged, originally was supposed to be for just dinner but I will make a decision on if im returning her after getting legal advice.

It’s not staying overnight. According to the DD herself she’s living there pretty much for the whole of the time she should be at home with her mum. OP has made this clear. So no, mum can’t just decide care on her watch, especially when that care is clearly far from ideal and OP is able and willing to provide something far more suitable. There is no court order mandating that he return the child to the grandmother so he’s within his rights not to return his DD and go through the courts to review custody.

YANBU at all. If it was the same situation and the other way round and this was all happening at dads house, people would immediately tell the mum to stop DD going there.

She needs toe explain why grandmother can’t sit with the child at home

I suspect that if the roles were reversed there’d be a lot fewer posters saying things like “it’s her time, she can do what she likes with childcare during it” and rather more telling you that this is a change in residence.

If you’ve not been to court, and this is a casual (in the sense it’s not legally binding) agreement between you both, then you would be able to just keep your daughter until her Mum does take it to court.

Your daughter would be listened to by the FC as she’s old enough to express her own wishes and I would think you’d have a reasonable chance of the eventual living arrangements being made in your favour.

You should really see a family law specialist and take their advice. It’s not healthy for your DD to be in a cramped, smoke filled flat for half her week. And unless you’re earning very well, you’re paying well over what the CMS would fix maintenance at

Sounds more like the mother has handed over her rôle as parent to her own mother, if the child is living at her grandma’s full time.
Surely OP’s autism wouldn’t trump that development, in the view of a court….would it?

😂

But that would entail grandmother living permanently at the mothers’ house. If mum is working night shifts she will be sleeping during the day, so it doesn’t sound as though she is providing much, if any care at all.

Oh l wish l’d said that !! 😂

I kind of really hope it’s alligators….

True, but I think OP is being quite restrained, I would have lost my patience with some of these posters ages ago.

The only aggressive one is you. Solicitor my arse.

What are you on about? The OPs partner will come out of this much worse if a formal route is pursued as she isn’t entitled to anything. Money grabbing women piss me off.

I'm perplexed by people defending this. There is an 8 year old girl who is now living between 3 spaces, one of which she does not even have her own bedroom or space to store her toys. It gives her no sense of home or permanency. It's not in her best interests. One night on the sofa is fine, 50% of the time is not. It's not about whether it's comfortable. It's about a child feeling secure in their surroundings.

Also do people really want their child inhaling second hand smoke 50% of the time???

There is no such thing as custody plus finances and contact are kept separate from each other, finacces won't be brought in to it at all for residency cases and arrangement orders. The Mum also still has PR, highly unlikely he would get 7 nights and that that she wouldn't accept nights at her home on her nights off in front of a judge. Have you been through court at all? It takes ages to get though and a lot can change over the months it takes.

You’ve had some horrible posts on here OP but I guess you expected that … it is Mumsnet and there are some very vindictive posters on here towards men.
I hope you’ve received helpful advice too and that things works out for you and your daughter.
I can’t believe that almost ten pages in and people are still whingeing on about your obvious auto correct for Alsatian’s.

Stop sending the money till this is solved. You need to play hardball.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. You seem to have your DD's wellbeing at the top of the priority list. Ignore posters baiting you, they might have their own bone to chew.

I'd contact a lawyer and get some information. Since money is not an issue, you could just have a consultation to know your options and take it from there. At the very least, you'll be able to speak with your ex fully informed.

I was partially raised by grandparents and it has left me scarred. They were lovely but the feeling of parental abandonment has impacted my adult life more than I realised. Parents visited here and there but I never fully understood why I wasn't living with them in my early years. Unless your ex is also moving to her mother's, it will be hurtful for your DD to see her mum visit and then leave for what used to be their home.

There's more to this that you don't know. Maybe ex is saving for a bigger purchase, went into debt, wants to rent part of the house, have surgery, etc. She's definitely taking your contribution for granted and as a permanent arrangement. Your DD is not going to see much of that nevertheless if food, sleep and general entertainment is going to be provided by the grandmother anyway. I'd contact a lawyer and stop payments. I don't know the law well enough but I would assume that there are accomodations in place for neurodivergent people. Don't let that stop you from enquiring, they can also put your mind at ease with that.

If there is not formal court arrangement, i would refuse to give her back, and i would contact Social Services and report exactly why.

make sure you have in writing, evidence of the fact the child is now living with her grandmother in her mothers 50% residence time.

I think you sounds like a good parent with legitimate concerns. I would seek the advice of a family law lawyer as the mother no longer has your daughter staying with her at all, and your daughter will be spending 50% of the time in a flat with no room of her own or a proper bed. That sounds unsustainable, and not in her best interests at all.
Could the mother do her "occassional visits" at your place if you had your daughter fulltime? Are you on friendly enough terms for that?

(And I dare say that if it was the mother posting a similar scenario where the father handed over care of the child to his parent for all of his 50%, the sexist comments would not feature at all in the same way).

Also: LOVE the autocorrect to "alligators" - happens to the best of us, but at least it was a great one!

Hear hear. I get so tired of people derailing threads because of 'hilarious' typos. I sometimes think people on here are a bit mentally challenged. Some of them certainly seem exceptionally easily amused.

As ever, if this was a mum saying that the dad was palming off the daughter on the grandmother pretty much fulltime, we'd all be saying he was bang out of order.

Oh come on. It's obvious 🙄