Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

That's a relief

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing its not from my daughter, its from my ex she is the one who has told me the new arigments and they arent temporarily, it was my daughter who told me how unhappy she is with it all

Nope, perfectly happy and unbitter here thank you. Just been through something very similar and want him to be clear-eyed that it isn't as black and white as he appears to think once it gets to court.

But to be fair women come on here and say all sorts of ridiculous, unacceptable shit the father of their child has done & everyone pretty much believes them.
Why is it so difficult for these same women to believe that a woman could do ridiculous, unacceptable shit?

This is good but you need to be active here.

Seek legal advice in the first instance, but then depending on what they say I would either just not send her back when it’s Mums (or Gran’s) time or apply back to court.

Totally agree, there are plenty of mothers out there who put other needs ahead of their children.
Maybe the Mum has a secret new boyfriend who she wants to stay over, maybe she likes earning more money and not having to cope with 50/50 care.
Maybe now the daughter is 8 she is harder to entertain or getting more opinionated, a whole host of reasons why a parent may seek to offload their responsibility, people are just more used to blokes doing it…

If a woman posted this the advice would be to not return her once the week is up. You’ve never been to court and don’t have a court order you’d be breaking.

I wouldn’t return her and then would seek full custody.

It’s not odd because she’s a woman it’s just a very unsuitable thing to do! And the alligators must have confused a lot of people before that was cleared up.

I’m not saying I didn’t believe it - if you read my posts, I’ve been supportive of the OP - I’m just saying why I think some people have questioned it.

It’s not aggressive for a parent to say he won’t allow his daughter to live in a filthy dirty flat whilst being forced to sleep on a stinking sofa.

It’s weird that you and Scrolling think this is a good option.

I disagree especially based on his updates, they should both be making the best decisions fo the child but his exDP is making her decisions based on not wanting to give up custody or lose the child maintenance. It makes no sense for the child to be living pretty much all 50% of her time with her grandmother especially given the grandmothers place isn't suitable, she has to sleep on a sofa during her 50% time she's supposed to be spending with her mother in a tiny cramped house with a heavy smoker.

Now I'm also aware that we're only hearing one side of the story and I don't even know if it's true or not, but if we take what he is saying as the truth then the decisions should be made based on what is best for the child not her mother or father or grandmother. It comes across as the mother doesn't want to give any time up to her ex and the child maintain so would rather the child stay in an unsuitable environment with her grandmother instead.

If the story is true then he would need to go to court and present his case and let a judge decide, and he can show proof of the unsuitable environment and all that.

Frankly, I don't believe your post is genuine. But just in case I'n wrong, you need to talk to a family solicitor to apply for full custody. It'd be a bit costly but shouldn't be difficult if what you posted here is veritable

”you are not qualified to do so”.

If by that you mean that I don’t have the full facts and am going off what has been written here, you are right.

If by that you mean I am not a qualified solicitor, you are wrong. I am a solicitor qualified in England and Wales with a current practising certificate and a masters degree in legal practice (alongside an LLB).

If OP has parental responsibility and there is no court order determining access or contact, he is under no obligation to hand his daughter over to a grandmother, especially when that grandmother cannot adequately house that child and the child is unhappy there. Do you disagree?

Ah thanks for clarifying.

@IBEAN okay? If you think I was abusive then it’s your prerogative to report my comment, obviously I disagree, but then I would wouldn’t I🤣

I’m so worried if you are actually a solicitor though, but I don’t really think I need to be.

Don't give her back and seek emergency court order

Yes, but I think alligators was actually a typo for Australians.

I hope OP manages to sort something out for his dd - poor kid sleeping on a sofa in a dirty, smoky flat 😢

Ibean is a 🤡

Staying overnight is not "being raised by".

Ex can decide care just as you can.

Try a mediation session you will likely need to do so before court anyway

Using mediation to help you separate - Citizens Advice share.google/hJ0jAcu1p6LyytGJV

@cestlavielifestaying overnight? My daughter has fully moved in to her grandmas and will not longer be living with her mother at any point

Really? You think a camp bed in the living room for an 8 year old for 50% of her time in a dirty, smelly flat where someone chain smokes in her sleeping space is acceptable? You think that is okay. That a mother has basically handed over her child to an unsuitable environment for half of he time is okay? God you really have set the bar very low haven't you.

Why? I took it as an autocorrect fail.

Neil90
I understand this is mainly for mothers but im a desperate dad just trying to get my daughter out if a shit situation, i seen her yesterday and she was so upset as she hates living in the filthy flat with no bed or room. I thought mothers would be kind and want to offer help (I know some have) but the fact ahy so many are simply taking mums side or laughing about alligators is disappointing, I'd be torn apart as a dad if I pissed off and left my daughter in a shitty dirty flat with no room etc all whilst expecting my ex to pay me £250pw

Op your situation sounds awful but at the same time as mothers it’s difficult to see beyond the fact you and your ex broke up when your child was only one, and you’re remarried- it’s difficult for women to see beyond this because they’re just thinking imagine going through a break up when your child was a baby, and fast fwd to now, imagine your ex saying oh if you’re finding it difficult finding somewhere for our daughter to be while you work an insanely tough job, how about I take her ft with my wife and I’ll let you see her. Your situation sounds so tough but it’s just hard to reconcile the two ( and your ex’s thinking around her mum is nuts and it all sounds awful for you and your poor dd)

If you dont beleive it us true then report it. It is against mumsnet rules to troll hunt.

If 2 parents are separated and one is unwilling or able to care for the child then full custody should of course first be given to the other parent as this is in the child’s best interest. Not someone’s mother/aunt/grandad/god parent or whatever else. Everything else is largely irrelevant. YANBU. Although I find it hard to believe you pay your ex £1k a month through choice when you have 50/50 custody but of course I could be wrong - it’s still irrelevant.

Alsatians I think it turned out!