Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

🤦‍♀️

I thought smoking in an enclosed space with minors was illegal now. Have I dreamt this???

my main concern would be the smoking. In your shoes I’d probably seek legal advice. She won’t be working all the time but I’d probably seek some advice about what if anything I could do to help reduce the risk of being in the flat with the smoking.

There’s one person that’s showing their true nature in this conversation, and it’s not the OP.

YABU to think it’ll take a good lawyer to make a court see that removing her mother from her is the correct decision. She can parent how she likes on her time, mind your own business.

@babyproblems it is only against the law in enclosed vehicles.

There are some people on here with very poor reading comprehension.

The mum is not going to be living with the grandmother too. She will still be living in her own lovely two bedroom flat by herself.

The daughter is going to be living with the grandmother, permanently, on the nights when the mum is not working as well as on the nights when she is working. So, on nights when the mum is not working, mum will go home to her own flat, which has a bedroom for her daughter, but will leave her daughter sleeping on a sofa with her grandmother.

The mum has said she will “visit” her daughter when she has time. Not every day. She still won’t be parenting her on the days she is not at work.

OP has offered to have his daughter on nights when the mum is working - she has turned this down.

How anyone can defend this is beyond me.

Have you read his posts?

The child is being handed over to grandma

It's a one-bedroomed flat and the child gets the sofa

That isn't right

You haven't read it properly, have you?

THAT'S NOT WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE!

What i can't fathom is how she can refuse the child to move in with Dad because she feels like she won't be a parent.. but is quite happy to ship her permanently to her mothers and visit.. where she won't be a parent.

Make it make sense?

She doesn’t want her to move in with dad because then she’ll lose her UC and maintenance. It has nothing to do with “wanting to be a parent”.

I think there is a lot of missing information
which is why things can’t be fathomed.

i dont think there is any missng info.

the Ex is quite clearly trying to avoid any parenting responsibilities while continuing to fiddle her benefits by lying to Uc & HMRC, and the council.. because Grandma needs to be reporting herself as a Kinship carer.

if your daughter is living with the grandparent, i would be insisting this is stopped - sounds awful especially the smoking

I would be telling your ex this arrangement no longer works, you will be keeping your daugher with you etc
she dosent even have her own room!!

She'll lose a lot of money if the child lives with OP. I suspect it's purely about that.

Thanks for clarifying that there aren’t alligators running around. I did wonder if we were on Aussie mums net for a second there. I think you need to very much consider the strain a court case will put on your poor daughter. The mother is clearly just trying to earn but I can fully understand why you don’t want her to stay in the flat. Maybe try and focus as much as you can on amicable mediation. The benefit of the parents being amicable outweighs the risks of where she’s staying in my opinion.

I do understand the smoking issue (I'm a smoker) & think that's valid also the sleeping on a sofa is not a good long term thing. Unfortunately I can't say how it would go with the courts though. It's a shame that your ex can't be more understanding, I'm presuming after she's finished working she's taking your daughter to school & wouldn't see her anymore until 3/4 o'clock in the afternoon when school finishes & then a couple of hours before she has work? If so maybe you could say she can pick her up & drive her to school & pick her up from school & have her until after dinner in the evening so she doesn't feel she's missing out. If she agrees to that you can try that out and maybe as she gets comfortable & confident that you're not trying to cut her out the arrangements can be changed later but you can't expect a change they may have to stay that way until your daughter is old enough to decide! You could also suggest your ex asks your daughter if she'd rather stay at yours or the grandmother's? Good luck. X

The benefit of the parents being amicable outweighs the risks of where she’s staying in my opinion.
What a good point you make @Bridgetjonesheart

Sounds to me like mum doesnt want to be a mother anymore, but doesnt want to lose the money it gets her.

Her UC award will be higher because of your DD including the housing benefit part, she gets the child benefit, plus £1000 a month from you, she is coining it. If DD is with you full time then she will lose a LOT of money. She will probably not be entitled to anything it all which I would imagine would cut her income by up to two thirds.

But the simple fact is that if she cannot (or will not) live with her DD then as her father you have first refusal. Its a relatively common thing written into child arrangements orders in divorce now. So if Parent A cant look after the child for any reason, Parent B has the right of first refusal before childcare/babysitters (and vice versa of course).

Court is the only way to solve this if she wont agree to you having her full time but written admission of this abandonment of her DD (which is what it is) will make it easier. Texts etc would really help you here.

Same

There are an awful lot of people on this thread who simply haven’t read it and have formed their own biased opinion based on what they thought the OP was saying.

To me it’s clear from the very first post what this awful mum is doing.

She’s trying to keep her benefits and chid maintenance whilst shipping her responsibilities off to a grandparent.

OP, I think you absolutely have a case for full custody, or at least for a court order stating that the child must be living at her mother‘s for the duration of her time with her.

A judge would not look favourably on her not having her own bed.

As for all the comments about "a sofa is fine for a child", that astounds me! I wonder how many of those commenting as such would be happy with their own child having no space of their own, no bed of their own and living with a smoker, not fucking many I am willing to bet.

Sadly, thanks to my ex, I have had some involvement with SS as the kids were in the house when he assaulted me. And two of the things they are hot on is the cleanliness of the home and whether the kids have proper beds with bedding. So this would fail on two counts.

As for fostering arrangements (which this would be classed as) there are much higher standards expected and, crucially, NO PARENT WILLING, ABLE, or SUITABLE to care for the child. In this case there very clearly IS a parent, so there is no need for fostering. This isnt a respite/childcare situation its simply a mother who CBA but wants to keep all the money her kid is generating.

Alsatians. Has already been explained!!

Hi op,
I started off being ready to stand up for mum but I’m totally on your side, I would hate for my child to go and live in a Smokey flat twice a week.
I wonder if mum is worried about losing her universal credit if she gets it? In this case, I would reassure mum you don’t want to change any thing ‘officially’ but would just like daughter to sleep at your house where she has a bedroom and there is no smoke on the nights where mum works. Mum will still be ‘in charge’ on ‘her’ week and will take her to and from
school, give her dinner etc, but just that the daughter can sleep at yours when mum is at work.
reassure her that no maintenance etc will be changed.
it sounds like you have money so there is no need to alert the system to let them know daughter lives with you more.
hopefully mum will agree to that if not then maybe mediation.
if she doesn’t agree to do mediation especially child included mediation if possible, then you might need to resort to court.
i also want to applaud you for giving child maintenance even though you don’t ‘have’ to - my ex has left me tens of thousands down as he won’t do this and only I took unpaid mat leave and went part time and paid nursery fees.
I agree with you that your child would be better spending more time sleeping at her home with you than grandmas.

I agree with you except the mum cba. Mum is going out to work, she should do that. She is clearly very scared of consequences - financial, socially, whatever, if she isn’t the ‘main’ parent thoigh, so op needs to make her very reassured