Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

No, she is a shit parent for saying that she doesn’t want her daughter living with her any more, even on days she isn’t working, but maybe she’ll pop round for a visit once in a while.

THAT is what makes her a shit parent. Not the state of her house (which is apparently fine, she just doesn’t want to let her child live in it with her). She would still be a shit parent if the grandmother lived in a spotless mansion.

I am going to go against the grain here. Why does the child need to be exposed to second hand smoke several nights a week in an overcrowded property with no bed for her, when her Dad is willing to care for her?

I suspect the answer is money - is your ex worried you would seek maintenance she can't afford?

Op - I am willing to bet if you offered to have your daughter for those nights but would not seek any maintenance, you might come to an agreement.

I think that she is a woman pushed to the brink by the op

Neil you sound like a great dad. I'm absolutely astounded by some of the replies you've had on here. There are of course always two sides to every story and we don't have all the details of your previous relationship but what you have described in your posts is absolutely not an acceptable living arrangement for a child and mores to the point your child is unhappy. I find it hard to hear when mothers are prepared to palm off their kids like that. Just because I don't understand it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.
I don't have any advice really other than do what you have to do to protect your daughter because most people on here would do the same if the roles were reversed.

Shocked by how many people have responded that the ex has a right to do this. It's not childcare if it's full-time surely? And the child doesn't even have a bed? (Aside from the smoking aspect.) I've got full custody of my kids but surely I can't just hand them over to a family member instead of looking after them myself if the custody says I'm the carer? It'd be different if the care was only while the ex is working, but that's not the case here.

I wonder how different the responses would be if this was a mum wanting advice on her ex leaving their daughter at her grandpa's place full time, where the kid slept on the sofa in a smoke-filled room. What's the point of shared custody if you're not sharing it?!

OP, I hope your ex chooses to do the right thing for your daughter. It should always be about the child, not the parent whether that parent is the dad or the mum.

You need to engage a shit hot family lawyer immediately OP

Pushed to the brink of not wanting her child to live in the same house as her?

New boyfriend seems more likely

Pushed to the brink by a capable, loving co-parent who sends her £250 a week that he doesn't have to. Right.

I think the case is so clear cut that even a very average family lawyer would be quite sufficient.

Legal aid is very difficult to get these days. At.least it was 8 years ago when I was working in a job that had to deal with things like that from time to time.. Only the most specific/ extreme ( don't really know what word to use) cases got help..

Second paragraph in opening post.

This. Imagine her dad was sending her to her chain-smoking grandpa’s flat to sleep on a smoke-riddled sofa and live out of a bag? It makes me cringe thinking of it, having lived in a 60 fags per day house 🤢

YANBU. You’re fully in the right here!

Yes

No where a child's health is so compromised, its a no brainer. She shouldn't be going to the grandmother. She could get cancer from pass ive smoking for God's sake.

I really hope you didn't teach reading comprehension.

There's nothing stopping you from removing your child from her grandmother's when she stays there.

Yes, your daughter should live with her parents, as long as they are able to care for her. It sounds like her mum is choosing not to. No child should be living in a smoke filled flat where she doesn’t have a private sleeping space and is stuck on the sofa like an unexpected guest. I would be getting legal advice and going to court to have her contact schedule changed, so that she lives with you whenever her mum is working and is with her mum on her days off (or FT with you if your ex really doesn’t want her at all).

I wonder how different the responses would be if this was a mum wanting advice on her ex leaving their daughter at her grandpa's place full time, where the kid slept on the sofa in a smoke-filled room

I am sure that many men do leave their dd with their mother, the child’s grandmother ( no one is talking about a grandfather here) to look after while they go to work on a night shift; and that among those grandmothers some would be smokers.

All over the world
grandmothers are helping their children work.

OP please get legal advice, no way should she be on a sofa breathing in smoke and not wanting to be there when you can care for her

Definitely

I think you have a very vivid imagination and (I hope I'm wrong) some issues of your own.

OP has already stated that his daughter's mum is sending the daughter to live with grandma and that she will visit the child on her days off work/"her" days and that dad will continue to have his child as per their original arrangements. So mum will not have the child living with her at all. I think the dad is right to go down the route of gaining primary custody of his child considering his ex will no longer have their daughter living with her at all. Regardless of the state of Grandma's flat surely he has more rights to have the daughter live within his family home than what the grandma does. Mum is selfish making the daughter live somewhere she doesn't want to be with no proper bed or space for herself when she has a perfectly good bedroom at her dads

You have an inability to read into a post which has clear red flags. I hope i'm wrong that this also applies to your own life 🥰