Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

@InMyShowgirlEra Just put a bed in granny's flat rather than take her away from her mum/grandma.

Physical needs are not being met. If she is being exposed to continual carcinogenic cigarette smoke.and has no proper bed, what other needs are not being met?

I take my hat off to your dedication to defending shitty, questionable and neglectful parenting. You must make an excellent Safeguarding contact.

I hope no child ever seeks you out for a disclosure.

A grandmother isn't a parent...
Please try and quote - it's becoming very difficult to keep up with which posts you're on about.

I don't think it's acceptable for a child to be sleeping on a sofa 50% of the time OP. Nor for a child of that age to have no privacy or space of their own. I have no issues with sharing bedrooms but that isn't the case here. I don't think the smoking is acceptable either.

Also, what time is she going to be getting to sleep? Is gran going to go in her own room early to let your daughter sleep?

I think it's rubbish behaviour from her mum too.

It's still not a parent. And even if it were a parent, it could still be an issue. Context and the child's feelings are important.
It's also irrelevant, because it isn't actually happening here.

An 8 year old child should not be dossing on a sofa with their belongings in a bag, especially where they are at high risk of passive smoking unless there are incredibly extenuating, temporary circumstances. This should not be a long term plan. The child expressing that they dislike the arrangement is crucial too. I am a teacher, trained in safeguarding, and would 100% report this to our DSL if a child disclosed these arrangements to me.

The fact that people defend this makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with people!

Any sane, loving, attentive, conscientious parent would not stand for their child being subjected to this and anyone who thinks this is ok is a big walking red flag of a person.

@Kreepture I didn't say I was a safeguarding contact. Take your classist views elsewhere.

I am not going to read through 22 pages of comments so.........

1. The daughter split her time between her parents this is no longer happening
2. 50% of her time is now spent at her grandmothers which is not what was agreed and
3. Grandmother has a 1 bed flat and daughter now sleeps on the settee. I suggest that the school may well have a view about this
4. Grandmother is also a heavy smoker, nuff said BUT worth pointing out that it is illegal to smoke in a car with children in it. GP/Health Visitor may well have a view on this
5. I dont think that a Family Court judge would take kindly to the OP being hauled over the coals by the mothers solicitor/barrister
6. I am sure that the mother wont have the Grandmother stay at hers while she works because of the smoking

you said you were a teacher, which means that you are a safeguarding contact for your students, and you're obliged to report to your DSL if a child makes any kind of disclosure to you.

I used to be both a Nursery Nurse, and a Teaching Assistant.. i'm also a Youth Mental Health First Aider.. i know what is classed as a disclosable event.

Your continued defence of this situation as 'not a safeguarding concern' shows you really don't have a fucking clue, and need to go do some refresher training.

If a child/teen disclosed this situation to me, you bet i'd be reporting it quicker than you can say boo.

"I didn't say I was a safeguarding contact"

But you did say that safeguarding was a core element of your profession. You also said you were a teacher

You should therefore be aware that safeguarding is the responsibility of all members of staff in a school ( whether teachers or otherwise) and everyone is trained on what to do if a pupil makes a disclosure to them.

@Kreepture I used to be a teacher. Anyway, I'm off to work my evening shift now. Take care of yourself and your young person.

Not a tutor anymore then?

@Digdongdoo I work two jobs. I'm a neglectful mother.

Yeah i didn't say that.
But you said you're not a safeguarding contact, if you're a tutor you very much are. You should know that.

such backpedalling before our eyes..

@Digdongdoo How are the cats?

Oh FFS it was a typo!

What does that even mean?

The rest of the post was judgy

This. And I say that as someone whose abusive (male) ex did keep my daughter without agreement, but that was a totally different situation.

You are justified in doing it. In fact it is safeguarding her, and if that looks bad in court, then it can only be bias against fathers.

The grandmother doesn't have PR. You do. You do not have to take her back there. The school does not have to let her pick your daughter up.

You've missed the fact that the child has said she's unhappy with the arrangement and wants to live with her Dad.

OP, I don’t know why so many people are giving you a hard time. I have a daughter of a similar age and there’s absolutely no way I would allow her to be sleeping on a sofa for half the week, in a messy, smoke-filled flat. You are absolutely not being unreasonable to try your best to put a stop to this.

Oh for goodness sake read the OPs posts. That's ridiculous.

Not ideal? It is bad for the child, second hand smoke kills ffs. You haven’t answered the question either have you? You can’t because if you say you would be happy for your child to be in that situation then you are either a liar, thick as mince or a shit parent.