Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

Still not a substitute for living with a parent.

@Digdongdoo I bedshare with my daughter as she jumps in every night. She also doesn't have her own room. Nope - not a safeguarding.

@Digdongdoo EXACTLY.

"My profession involves child safeguarding as a core element"

1. Bed sharing is not what's happening. The daughter is relegated to the sofa.
2. You will be aware that there are safeguarding issues described by the OP. There is a real risk of neglect, physical and emotional harm.

I cannot believe some of the posters defending this.

The arrangement has been 50/50 with each parent. If one parent is unable to fulfill their care due to any reason, the child should be cared for by their other parent in the first instance.

This is an 8 year old child who has expressed that they are unhappy with the arrangement. They are sleeping in a sofa and living out of a bag. They are in a one bed flat with a chain smoker. All the while, they have appropriate housing elsewhere.

Children’s interests are paramount. How can anyone suggest that it is better for a child to live like that rather than with a resident parent? It’s not as though they won’t be able to see their mother. OP has said this will be ok without restriction.

@Walkden What evidence is there of risk?!! None. No safeguarding.

Absolutely this! I don't know why this poor guy is getting such a hard time. If yoh knew your child was living somewhere where she doesn't even have her own bed, a cigarette ridden enviroment and living out of a bag....you'd protest it! whether thay comes from mum or Dad.

To the op - you sound like a great dad with tour daughters interests and happiness at the centre of your thoughts - hard to understand why her mum would even accept a night job with a yoing child dependent on her. But regardless, I wouldn't be dictated to by her and with this I wouldn't be returning her to Grandma's house. You may then need a court order for full custody.

Make notes of everything.

Good luck with it and I really hope your daughter knows what a wonderful Dad she has!

"My profession involves child safeguarding as a core element"

"What evidence is there of risk?!! None. No safeguarding".

Either you are neglecting some elements of your professional training or your misandry is blinding you to your professional obligations.

@Walkden From what I have read there is no evidence of risk. Sharing a bed with gran (easily put in to flat) is not neglect. Smoking around a child is also permitted (although not recommended). What have I missed?

That's nice. Like I said, it isn't always but it can be a safeguarding risk. I think you need a refresher. Smoking would be a big risk re bedsharing for example.

If it came to going to court, if mediation hadn’t helped, when you go to court for something like this, the parents involved make statements on paper with the help of a lawyer, and then a barrister can speak for them. The judge would also possibly see a social services report.

The OP could afford a lawyer and barrister.

His ex wife who works in care probably wouldn’t find speaking in public under these conditions at all easy either. And it doesn’t sound as though she’d be able to afford a lawyer and barrister. I wonder if she would be eligible for legal aid?

Exactly what? Which post are you responding to? Quote function - please use it.

@Digdongdoo You said child better with parents basically. I am agreeing.

All the children who bed-share with a smoking parent are not going to be removed because it is a health safeguarding risk though.

I agree with your post. If that was my daughter I would go to court for full custody.

No of course not. But in this case, combined with it not being a parent, it would be a risk. Not all safeguarding risks end up needing action.

@ScrollingLeaves That's what I meant. A child wouldn't be put solely with father because of it, for example.

I'll call the Court CAFFCAS officer who came around to my house, my mums house, and my brothers house, when he was in a residency battle with his Ex, to make sure that everyone who had my niece and nephew staying overnight had suitable beds to put them in, to let them know that an 8yo sleeping on a sofa every night is perfectly acceptable because someone on MN said it was.

How much money do you pay towards your daughter? The fact your ex is having to do overnight care jobs speaks to the fact that maybe she is shouldering quite a substantial financial burden and it’s not a “choice,” as you describe, but a necessity.

Yes, so dad's house is preferable to grans sofa.

Bedsharing isn't a risk IF the child is happy with the arrangement. However, the child is not bedsharing, but sleeping on a sofa. They have no private space at all.

It is not "easy" to fit an extra bed into a flat. I don't know what massive council properties you've seen where you could fit an extra bed into a bedroom!

A child not having their own bed is absolutely a risk factor and it's very worrying that as a safeguarding professional, you haven't properly read the information before giving your opinion and that you don't think an 8 yo who wants to sleep in their own bed not having that option for 50% of the time isn't a risk factor.

@Digdongdoo What do you mean re the parent bit? Isn't it bio grandmother?

Why are you asking a question he answered already? £250pw is what he gives her.

It is a grandmother which is different from any old ‘not a parent’.

What have I missed?

A mother abrogates her responsibilities to her own child to a chain smoker grandmother. Said child sleeps on a sofa with all her possessions in a bag, because mum decides this is better than living in 3 places.

You can't see why this might be emotionally damaging, borders on neglect, and exposes the child to avoidable risk to her short and long term health??

Would you really not report this to your dsl if this was a child in your school?

There are circumstances where people live in hostels/ temporary accomodation and share beds but usually this happens to the family unit who have no other options and even then pastoral teams get involved. ...