Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

Sorry you're getting such a rough time.

I would not let my daughter sleep anywhere where someone was smoking inside, it's really harmful to her health.

Is there a court order in place at present? If so, you can't just not return her.

The first step would be to try to resolve it amicably, so ask your ex if her Mum can take care of your daughter at her house, or if she can return her to you when she goes to work, so she's not actually losing any time.

If she won't agree to that then I think it's fair to take it to court; after all, the Mum isn't having equal time, the Grandma is having her 50% of the time. At 9 your daughter's opinion will be heard but not necessarily listened to as she'll be considered too young to make a decision, but depending on her reasons it might sway things.

Family court isn't like criminal court. No-one will put you on the stand and start cross examining you.

Where did he say that? I can only see him saying dd should be with him full time and that mum could see dd whenever she wanted. Until he's officially got full custody I suspect. And now he's talking about not returning dd to mum at all. Plus, he apparently gives mum £1000 per month, even though care is 50/50. To be completely honest, I call bullshit with this whole thread. So won't bother commenting further.

Yes

@missy111 Agree with everything you have said. I am disagreeing with the posters that believe it is imperative for a child to have their own bedroom. Sharing a room with one's maternal grandma wouldn't be a safeguarding.

she isn't sharing a room though, She's sleeping on the sofa in the living room.

I don't believe anyone has said children must have their own bedroom. plenty have said that she should be sleeping in a bed, in a bedroom. But that's not the same thing.

@Kreepture Again, not a safeguarding issue. Although gran could get a bed for her.

@Digdongdoo They have.* *

he stated she was sleeping on the sofa, not bed sharing.

@missy111 Easily rectifiable.

not safeguarding, but trust me, social services would have something to say about it.

So how does that work?

Grandma goes to bed at seven-year-old's bedtime, to free up the living room? If she has company, does the kid go to bed in grandma's bed and 'I'll move you later'? Where does she keep her stuff - school uniform, mufti? In the living room? In the hall?

This is not a sleepover. It's all seven nights every other week. So the same standards apply as they would if she were living there fulltime.

Would you settle for having your child always sleep in the living room, if there were an alternative - which, in this case, there is?

Going by the way the OP described the area the grandma lives in id say class does come into it.

That's all stuff Social Services would love to know, i'm sure.

I don't understand why anyone is defending it as being better than her staying at her dads.

@WalkDontWalk Again, bedsharing is a valid choice, especially in a one-bed flat. In no way a safeguarding. What's the alternative?

Maybe use the quote function and we could all see?
People have referenced the bedroom she has at dads. But that's not the same as saying she must have her own bedroom.

Sleeping on a sofa in a dirty, smoke filled flat isn't safe or appropriate.

It's frankly disgraceful how many people are prioritising the mother's "rights" over the child's right, to a bed, to a space to play indoors or outdoors, to a clean, safe environment, to healthy air not full of toxins.

The mother has responsibilities that she's not meeting.

@Kreepture The courts won't see dad having a bigger home as a reason for child not to live with mum.

Of course bed sharing can be a safeguarding issue. It isn't always, but it absolutely can be.

The child isn't living with her mum, she's living with her grandmother and sleeping on a fucking sofa.

Bedsharing is not being suggested by the mum, is it? Sofa-surfing is what's being suggested.

@Digdongdoo My profession involves child safeguarding as a core element. A bio grandmother bedsharing with her young granddaughter is not a safeguarding issue. In fact, in many cultures it is the societal norm.

Please fight for your daughter. Hope you manage to get her to live with you full time.
Is your wife happy with her staying with you full time btw?

@Kreepture Put a bed in gran's flat. Simples.

So does mine. And bedsharing, in certain scenarios would absolutely be a safeguarding concern. But like I said, it isn't always.
It's also irrelevant because it isn't happening here.