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Original poster

Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

782 replies

Neil90 · 03/09/2025 13:23

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

OP posts:
everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:23

@Kreepture The point I am making is you don't understand WHY mum is making this choice.
OK. Take the smoking out of it. I agree that is not good and can be stopped easily. What would be your view then?

steff13 · 03/09/2025 19:23

Minnie798 · 03/09/2025 19:20

My point was that op has other options, besides leaping straight to 100% custody. Options which would mean that dd still has 50/50 with both her parents.
Mum not feeling able to approach op to negotiate this in the first place suggests that things aren't quite as amicable as they should ( or could be).

Show quote history

Where did you get the information that she's not comfortable to approach him to negotiate this?

Digdongdoo · 03/09/2025 19:26

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:23

@Kreepture The point I am making is you don't understand WHY mum is making this choice.
OK. Take the smoking out of it. I agree that is not good and can be stopped easily. What would be your view then?

Why are you acting like you know mum's life story? You don't understand why mum has made this choice either. You can't possibly because you know almost nothing about her.

Debinaround · 03/09/2025 19:27

mumofoneAloneandwell · 03/09/2025 19:13

I grew up in a council house - whilst my dm didnt smoke, every other kids parents did and the houses would be clean but smell slightly of cigarette smoke

Some working class people smoke and have one bedroom houses with small spaces, and their neighbours have big dogs

The op is judgy and looks down on the grandma's area which could be where the kids mum grew up. I feel for the mum

Show quote history

So you would be perfectly happy for your child, at 8 years old, to spend 50% of their time in a filthy house with your exs mother who chain smokes. You would be happy that even though your 8 year old didn’t like being there and had no bed to sleep in, no room of her own, no place to hang her clothes or keep her toys, you would be happy to send your child there?

Really? If you honestly would be perfectly happy with that then you are a shit parent.

Feel for the mam indeed 🙄

Daygloboo · 03/09/2025 19:27

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 03/09/2025 17:45

Why is he afraid of the court? Why would he fold under the pressure of a good lawyer if this all true and is so detrimental for DD? Autism in itself wouldn’t be against him.

No. He seems perfectly capable of holding his own on this thread.

Because autistic ppl have trouble face to face and are often better on paper.

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:27

@Digdongdoo Neither do you. You only know one side of the story. Same question to you re the smoking.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 03/09/2025 19:27

YouMightThinkThat · 03/09/2025 13:41

Answer the alligator questions OP. You seem to be able to address other queries ffs

@YouMightThinkThat

There is really no need to be so rude. Especially when the OP HAD answered the alligator / typo question.

steff13 · 03/09/2025 19:28

Daygloboo · 03/09/2025 19:27

Because autistic ppl have trouble face to face and are often better on paper.

Show quote history

I feel like going to court is kind of a big deal. This arrangement seems to have been working amicably for the years that it has been in place and now all of a sudden there has been a change that he doesn't agree with. I feel like when you're separating or dealing with child custody going to court is often the right thing to do, but when you're in the middle of it it kind of feels like it should be the last resort.

Digdongdoo · 03/09/2025 19:28

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:27

@Digdongdoo Neither do you. You only know one side of the story. Same question to you re the smoking.

I haven't said anything about the smoking...
Only that child should live with a parent when one is willing.

Kreepture · 03/09/2025 19:29

Minnie798 · 03/09/2025 19:20

My point was that op has other options, besides leaping straight to 100% custody. Options which would mean that dd still has 50/50 with both her parents.
Mum not feeling able to approach op to negotiate this in the first place suggests that things aren't quite as amicable as they should ( or could be).

Show quote history

i suggest you re-read the op to the answer to both those questions, the answers are within.

"Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter"

Then further down he explains that the Ex has said No to him having their daughter.

"My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this."

steff13 · 03/09/2025 19:29

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:27

@Digdongdoo Neither do you. You only know one side of the story. Same question to you re the smoking.

I wouldn't want my child staying in a home with people smoking when there was an alternative available.

But setting aside the issue of smoking, the mother has the child 7 days on 7 days off. She has now given the child to her mother for the entirety of the 7 days that she has her every other week. That's not babysitting, that's abdicating your parenting role.

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:29

@Digdongdoo Willing to do what? * *

Minnie798 · 03/09/2025 19:30

steff13 · 03/09/2025 19:23

Where did you get the information that she's not comfortable to approach him to negotiate this?

Show quote history

Because she didn't even ask him! And it's clear why- he jumped straight to wanting dd full time. Didn't suggest flexing arrangements, working round mums shifts, didn't discuss how they could work together to ensure the 50/50 arrangement continued. It was straight to wanting full time care of dd.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 03/09/2025 19:30

Debinaround · 03/09/2025 19:27

So you would be perfectly happy for your child, at 8 years old, to spend 50% of their time in a filthy house with your exs mother who chain smokes. You would be happy that even though your 8 year old didn’t like being there and had no bed to sleep in, no room of her own, no place to hang her clothes or keep her toys, you would be happy to send your child there?

Really? If you honestly would be perfectly happy with that then you are a shit parent.

Feel for the mam indeed 🙄

Show quote history

I question the op, as I have said. It is judgy and seems exaggerated

I do feel for the mum given how judgy the op is. Wish her well

And labelling someone a shit parent (??) for thinking that a small home where someone smokes, whilst not ideal, isn't bad for the kid

You and the op sound a match made in heaven. Judgemental and a nightmare

steff13 · 03/09/2025 19:30

Minnie798 · 03/09/2025 19:30

Because she didn't even ask him! And it's clear why- he jumped straight to wanting dd full time. Didn't suggest flexing arrangements, working round mums shifts, didn't discuss how they could work together to ensure the 50/50 arrangement continued. It was straight to wanting full time care of dd.

Edited
Show quote history

So it was an assumption on your part. Even though he says that he offered to let the daughter stay with him on the nights at the mom is working? And she declined?

Digdongdoo · 03/09/2025 19:30

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:29

@Digdongdoo Willing to do what? * *

To have child live with them. Obviously...

mumofoneAloneandwell · 03/09/2025 19:31

Minnie798 · 03/09/2025 19:30

Because she didn't even ask him! And it's clear why- he jumped straight to wanting dd full time. Didn't suggest flexing arrangements, working round mums shifts, didn't discuss how they could work together to ensure the 50/50 arrangement continued. It was straight to wanting full time care of dd.

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly this. It sounds like the mum has her work cut out coparenting with the op.

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:31

@Digdongdoo Both parents are willing.

Digdongdoo · 03/09/2025 19:32

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:31

@Digdongdoo Both parents are willing.

Firstly, we don't actually know that. Secondly, "and able" should go without saying.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 03/09/2025 19:33

I wouldn't like my DC sleeping in this situation, unfortunately you cannot dictate to your ex.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2025 19:33

Minnie798 · 03/09/2025 19:30

Because she didn't even ask him! And it's clear why- he jumped straight to wanting dd full time. Didn't suggest flexing arrangements, working round mums shifts, didn't discuss how they could work together to ensure the 50/50 arrangement continued. It was straight to wanting full time care of dd.

Edited
Show quote history

Working those shifts and putting child in physically unhealthy environment definitely doesn't sound like good parenting to me. Sounds like dumping her kid. Sounds like she'd be better off with the dad.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 03/09/2025 19:33

--

missy111 · 03/09/2025 19:34

@Neil90go to your daughters school and ask to speak with the DSL (designated safeguarding lead-their name should be on the website) and discuss your concerns with them. They may have noticed differences in your daughters behaviour or presentation, though given she may have just returned from summer hols, they may not have yet; however flagging to them that you are concerned about your daughters safety due to the change in her living arrangements will prompt them to keep an eye on her if they aren’t already.

in terms of welfare and safeguarding, not having a bed, or a place where she can store her belongings is seen as a marker for possible neglect. This is something that, if I came across it at work, I would be talking to the parent about and putting in a referral for children’s social care for an assessment of need.

Kreepture · 03/09/2025 19:35

Minnie798 · 03/09/2025 19:30

Because she didn't even ask him! And it's clear why- he jumped straight to wanting dd full time. Didn't suggest flexing arrangements, working round mums shifts, didn't discuss how they could work together to ensure the 50/50 arrangement continued. It was straight to wanting full time care of dd.

Edited
Show quote history

again.. from the op "welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays"

How is that not offering to work around her shifts?

The 8yo should be sleeping in her own bed on the nights that her mum is working, not on her grandmothers sofa.

ScrollingLeaves · 03/09/2025 19:35

steff13 · 03/09/2025 19:28

I feel like going to court is kind of a big deal. This arrangement seems to have been working amicably for the years that it has been in place and now all of a sudden there has been a change that he doesn't agree with. I feel like when you're separating or dealing with child custody going to court is often the right thing to do, but when you're in the middle of it it kind of feels like it should be the last resort.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, after 7 years it really should be the last resort. I think the OP should try to simply keep offering in a friendly non-judgemental, non- threatening way to help out in anyway he can by taking dd whenever that would help.

Or help buy grandmother an extra bed and chest of drawers and a new sofa.

The old Sun vs Wind method.