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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

782 replies

Neil90 · 03/09/2025 13:23

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

OP posts:
RhaenysRocks · 03/09/2025 19:01

mumofoneAloneandwell · 03/09/2025 18:56

Given the op's judgyness, and reference to dogs as 'alligators', i would suspect that the home is a normal council estate home which smells of smoke

I suspect there's more to the story and feel for the mother who must be going through it

Edit, yes more space for dd's things would be good, I'd speak to the mum about that.

Edited
Show quote history

FFS that was a typo for alsations which has been explained repeatedly. Why are you so determined to find fault with this OP? Why is it "normal" for a council house to smell of smoke? It's not a given and it's not classist to think it's crap to endanger a child's health that way.

Minnie798 · 03/09/2025 19:02

Not read the whole thread but mum won't be working 7 nights a week. So why not accommodate her shifts and have your dd whilst mum is at work and then mum has her on her days/ nights off . The fact you've said you're able to have dd full time means that being fully flexible to work around mum (in the best interests of dd) is something you are able to do.
Presumably your current wife helps with 'child care' ( unless you don't work). So I don't think you'll be successful arguing that dd shouldn't be left in someone else's care due to work, when you probably do that yourself.

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:02

@RhaenysRocks I understand. Do you have shared care of your children as is the case here? How did you manage to relocate? I'm also a teacher but shared care means I can't simply relocate to a cheaper area so stuck in private rental.

Walkden · 03/09/2025 19:03

"But she's fine with her child stinking of smoke"

Exactly.

She's renting so would would have to pay for a deep clean....it's cheaper to have her stay at her grandma's regardless of the consequences.

JustAForeigner · 03/09/2025 19:04

I really have no experience in this topic, but thank God someone seems to be talking some sense... If it was my daughter, I would be fighting fiercely to make sure she has the right living conditions.

RhaenysRocks · 03/09/2025 19:06

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:02

@RhaenysRocks I understand. Do you have shared care of your children as is the case here? How did you manage to relocate? I'm also a teacher but shared care means I can't simply relocate to a cheaper area so stuck in private rental.

No, ex pissed off some distance with ow and only sees the children about once every 4/6. I wasnt prepared to hamstring myself financially for so little contact with him and moved to a more affordable area. I'm in a much stronger financial position than he is now but it's entirely his own fault.

RhaenysRocks · 03/09/2025 19:07

Walkden · 03/09/2025 19:03

"But she's fine with her child stinking of smoke"

Exactly.

She's renting so would would have to pay for a deep clean....it's cheaper to have her stay at her grandma's regardless of the consequences.

Edited

Its her grans flat that stinks of smoke

namechangetheworld · 03/09/2025 19:08

Minnie798 · 03/09/2025 19:02

Not read the whole thread but mum won't be working 7 nights a week. So why not accommodate her shifts and have your dd whilst mum is at work and then mum has her on her days/ nights off . The fact you've said you're able to have dd full time means that being fully flexible to work around mum (in the best interests of dd) is something you are able to do.
Presumably your current wife helps with 'child care' ( unless you don't work). So I don't think you'll be successful arguing that dd shouldn't be left in someone else's care due to work, when you probably do that yourself.

It's not quite the same though is it?

Potentially being left in her father's (clean) house with her step mum where she has her own bedroom VS sleeping on a family member's sofa in a totally different (smoke riddled) house to her mother. I don't know why so many people on here are pretending they would be ok with that just to be contrary. They wouldn't.

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:09

@RhaenysRocks I see. The difference here is there is shared care so mum can't necessarily move to an affordable area as she has her child some of the time. And even if she can move to somewhere a little more affordable, she may not be in a position to afford a two-bed house. I am guessing she is on a low wage if she is topped up with UC?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 03/09/2025 19:11

Tiswa · 03/09/2025 13:30

The court will I think stick to 50/50 - your ex is working and has childcare all of which are fine.

I could see how this might move it to 50/50 but beyond that the time she is at work is mainly when your daughter is sleeping

Court will look dimly on child not having a bed and bedroom

Walkden · 03/09/2025 19:12

"Its her grans flat that stinks of smoke"

Not sure if this is not rtft, or lack of critical thinking.

People asked why the chain smoking gran wasn't watching the granddaughter in the mum's house (so she could have a bed and her room)

One reason might be that the mum's house might then ALSO smell of smoke.

PotatoLove · 03/09/2025 19:13

OP, I think you need to take some legal advice.

BlueMilkshake · 03/09/2025 19:13

Perhaps the mother is helping to look after her mother too, who may have some health issues.

3 people living together, is probably cheaper than living separately

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:13

@ByQuaintAzureWasp Sorry - do you mean their own bedroom? E.g. not shared?

mumofoneAloneandwell · 03/09/2025 19:13

RhaenysRocks · 03/09/2025 19:01

FFS that was a typo for alsations which has been explained repeatedly. Why are you so determined to find fault with this OP? Why is it "normal" for a council house to smell of smoke? It's not a given and it's not classist to think it's crap to endanger a child's health that way.

Show quote history

I grew up in a council house - whilst my dm didnt smoke, every other kids parents did and the houses would be clean but smell slightly of cigarette smoke

Some working class people smoke and have one bedroom houses with small spaces, and their neighbours have big dogs

The op is judgy and looks down on the grandma's area which could be where the kids mum grew up. I feel for the mum

Kreepture · 03/09/2025 19:14

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 18:48

@Kreepture What hours do you work?

Not sure how that's relevant to the conversation?

24/7 if you must know.

I'm a carer to my eldest child who is profoundly disabled, and also for my elderly mum.

Now.. you going to answer MY question?

BlueMilkshake · 03/09/2025 19:15

Perhaps they can use
Bunk beds
Bed & pull out sofa beds
A combination of beds, sofas & pull out beds

littlemousebigcheese · 03/09/2025 19:16

Stop the payments and keep your daughter at yours. Seek legal support

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:17

@Kreepture Assuming you (quite rightly) get financial support then because you can't work? This lady has different circumstances which means (quite rightly) she has to work to pay her rent. Doesn't make her any less a mother.

What is your question?

Kreepture · 03/09/2025 19:19

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:17

@Kreepture Assuming you (quite rightly) get financial support then because you can't work? This lady has different circumstances which means (quite rightly) she has to work to pay her rent. Doesn't make her any less a mother.

What is your question?

How on EARTH is it preferable, that rather than having her own bed in her own room 7 nights a week, that she is sleeping on a smoky, dirty old sofa for some of them? Explain that to me please?

Minnie798 · 03/09/2025 19:20

namechangetheworld · 03/09/2025 19:08

It's not quite the same though is it?

Potentially being left in her father's (clean) house with her step mum where she has her own bedroom VS sleeping on a family member's sofa in a totally different (smoke riddled) house to her mother. I don't know why so many people on here are pretending they would be ok with that just to be contrary. They wouldn't.

Show quote history

My point was that op has other options, besides leaping straight to 100% custody. Options which would mean that dd still has 50/50 with both her parents.
Mum not feeling able to approach op to negotiate this in the first place suggests that things aren't quite as amicable as they should ( or could be).

Franpie · 03/09/2025 19:20

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:09

@RhaenysRocks I see. The difference here is there is shared care so mum can't necessarily move to an affordable area as she has her child some of the time. And even if she can move to somewhere a little more affordable, she may not be in a position to afford a two-bed house. I am guessing she is on a low wage if she is topped up with UC?

Also being topped up with over £1,000 a month from OP.

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 03/09/2025 19:21

YouMightThinkThat · 03/09/2025 13:41

Oh. So no alligators then? Disappointed. Off to find a better thread.

This is a very bad situation for the OP's poor daughter, and he is understandably very worried about her, so I think that your flippant response is actually rather appalling.

@Neil90, please do go to a solicitor ASAP, and you may be advised to let SS know about this too. Good luck OP, although imo you shouldn't need it, your daughter is obviously being neglected by both her mother and her grandmother.

Kreepture · 03/09/2025 19:22

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:17

@Kreepture Assuming you (quite rightly) get financial support then because you can't work? This lady has different circumstances which means (quite rightly) she has to work to pay her rent. Doesn't make her any less a mother.

What is your question?

You seem to be mistaking my issue here.

I don't object to the mom choosing to work, or needing to work to keep her roof over her head, we do what is necessary.

What i have a HUGE problem with is her making the choice to move her daughter in with her grandmother, where she has to sleep on a sofa, and live out of a bag, while only being visited by her mother when she has time, rather than letting her live with her Dad where she has her own bed, and her own bedroom, and her own clothes and toys, and then coming to stay with Mom at Moms house when Mom isn't working Nights.

nunsflipflop · 03/09/2025 19:22

The issue will be, if you don’t return her to mum (regardless of her childcare arrangements), it is highly likely that mum will collect the child early from school and withhold contact altogether. It is never a good idea to just take it upon yourself to change CAO whether court ordered or not.

You have to go to mediation before you go in front of the court now, unless there is a non molestation order or violence has been alleged.

OP use the internet to find out which forms you need to apply to become the resident parent. You don’t need a solicitor, they just absorb money. Complete the forms and get the ball rolling tonight.