Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

I’d go down the court route, regardless of what other posters think this is pretty miserable for your daughter.

If you win great, otherwise well you tried

Op, me and my brothers lived with my mum in a dirty, cramped, smoke filled house Monday to Friday. Then my dads at the weekend. We all absolutely HATED it. I still remember the shame one Monday morning of the kids all smelling each others freshly washed jumpers and smelling mine and saying urgh smoke. We all left as soon as we could to stay with my dad from 14 - 16.

Id speak to a family solicitor as your first port of call. You could also consider calling social work to ask them if this is an acceptable living situation. A child having to sleep on a couch isn't ideal and they should have their own private, safe sleeping space.

You can't decide not to let your daughter go to her mum's.

It's her mum's time, and she can make whatever arrangements she likes for her child. It's none of your business.

OP you should definitely get a good solicitor who can help you. Tell rhem your fears about the autism. Go to court.

Honestly, you seem like a good Dad who could provide a better life for your daughter. Living in the condition you’ve outlined is awful for a child. I’d apply to the courts for full time residence of your child. You could have a responsible adult to help you through the process with you being autistic.

Why is he afraid of the court? Why would he fold under the pressure of a good lawyer if this all true and is so detrimental for DD? Autism in itself wouldn’t be against him.

No. He seems perfectly capable of holding his own on this thread.

You're wrong actually. If he has parental rights and no court order, he can actually keep his daughter rather than return her to her grandmother's care. Her mum isn't caring for her anymore, her grandmother is.

Don't be ridiculous. In 2025 knowingly allowing a child to live in a smoke filled flat with and grandparent and no bed when there is a far far better alternative available is absolutely worth making a fuss about and 100% would be op be getting more support if he was female and the ex a man. I don't usually like that assertion on here but in this case it's definitely true. Of course it's his business. Not everything that happens on an exes time is of course, but certain basics are and that child needs an advocate.

I understand where you are coming from. Id hate it if my child was living like this 50 percent of the time. Cant the grandmother look after her in her own home? ( at her mum’s)

@IBEAN , oh my, you are actually doubling down on your reading miscomprehension? The dad already has the DD 50% of the time AND pays additional maintenance, and now wants to increase that to 100% with full visitation options for the DM, only to prevent the DD from spending 50% of her time sleeping on the sofa of her chain smoking DGM. And you attack him???

That’s not on at all. I’d get legal advice asap

How is he being unreasonable?read all his replies. His ex has sent their daughter off to permanently live with grandma and she has informed him that she will visit their daughter at Grandma's on her days off. Child doesn't want to stay at Grandma's as she doesn't have a bedroom or even proper bed to sleep in and nowhere to store her clothing. She is living out of a backpack and living in her grandma's filthy smoke ridden flat. Dad at least has a bedroom set up that is her own. Surely dad is right to be concerned. The child's mum is being selfish. OP needs to get some legal advice on obtaining custody of his daughter

Hope she's informed UC of the new arrangements, her DC will be taken off her claim if she longer lives with her. You should also claim CB since you're the only parent now housing her.
Looks like she's about to lose a ton of money if you're also paying 1k a month. She's made a huge mistake taking a job Incompatible with parenting responsibilities.
Good luck with your legal advice, but yes a parent with PR can just keep their child at their home in the absence of a court order where there are concerns. If she called the police they would do nothing as no law is being broken.

A court would ask social services to look into the living conditions and circumstances and talk to DD, and court would get statements from OP and his ex. Lawyers and barristers would do the talking and deal with the language and implied meanings. So it seems unlikely the OP would be treated he fears.

He may feel vulnerable to being cowed and decimated by court but would his care-worker ex, or her mother living in dire circumstances find it easy either?

He has the money for a good lawyer and barrister. He has nothing to be afraid of if he were to go to court, and everything is as black and white and bad for dd as he has said.

Nothing would go ahead without mediation being tried first most likely.

@PeachySmile2 Of course. Wealthy parents are always better than less well-off ones.

If this was "my daughters dad has decided that during his time he will have his mother look after our daughter because he has decided to work nights" it would be "he needs to find a job with different hours" "he's expecting mummy to do all the work"

That is a good idea.

I certainly wouldn’t be happy with this, what parent would be their DD sleeping on a sofa at a grandparents and passive smoking. I’d get some legal advice .

OP I have read all your posts. Fuck this. Go to court and apply for full custody - or to demand your ex keeps her at home. Is your ex having a MH crisis? Why would she do this? Glad to hear you wont return her to this unsuitable environment. Stay strong. Your daughter needs you xx

@TempleOfShrooms But as someone has pointed out, she could be earning more working nights, she could be doing that to pay the rent. We simply don't know the mum's financial circumstances. We do know she is renting which is expensive. And what about if she works in the day? School runs etc?

@ScrollingLeaves Agree. But my betting is the OP won't be happy with that?

I wouldn’t be letting my child anywhere that alligators were roaming free.

Or maybe you mean Alsatians…?

@Neil90
Im a mother. If the roles were reversed, and my dd dad was placing my dd with his mother ( regardless of actual space and sleeping arrangements) I would be livid. I did not agree to 50% with me and 50% with grandma.
You need to get legal advice.
And fight for your daughter

"It's her mum's time, and she can make whatever arrangements she likes for her child. It's none of your business."

This is patently absurd and subject to child safeguarding issues. For instance, the mum couldn't decide to leave the child to e.g a relative living in the local crackden.

This is Mumsnet misandry in action. If the poster was a woman saying her ex husband was leaving their daughter with chain smoking grandparents for financial reasons it'd be put your child first and trust your gut.

In the UK and other countries smoking with children in cars/ building is illegal and exposure to chain smoking houses risks respiratory diseases and COPD in later life. At the very least you should report to social services.

Your daughter is old enough to have her own views. Try, without stress or saying anything negative about your ex , to find out whether she is happy, or would like to change the home arrangements.

I assume Social Services have mot been involved as your separation was amicable but maybe you should think about asking for advice, particularly if your daughter is unhappy