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Original poster

Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

782 replies

Neil90 · 03/09/2025 13:23

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

OP posts:
CautiousLurker01 · 03/09/2025 17:09

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 17:02

@Rosscameasdoody Absolutely. Rental properties are bloody expensive - I speak from experience! What's the betting father owns his own lovely home? So what happened with the divorce?

OP describes her as ex-partner, not ex wife. So likely they were never married. You also don’t know that the house is his - it may be primarily his new wife’s as a result of a divorce settlement with the father of OP’s step child.

A million and one assumptions being made here when at the heart of it is an 8 year old girl who is now living 50% of the time at her grandmother’s and is justifiably unhappy given she doesn’t have a bedroom or even, at this stage, a bloody bed or wardrobe or school desk or any of the basic items she needs. Oh, and a concerned father who is happy to step up.

Northerngirl821 · 03/09/2025 17:10

I would get urgent legal advice. Passive smoking is a risk to your daughter’s health and at eight she is old enough to have her own wishes taken into account.

Cantgetausername87 · 03/09/2025 17:10

YABU she's "chosen" to work to provide for your daughter. It's up to her what she does when in her care and I applaud her for working and doing her best - as should you.

Nanny0gg · 03/09/2025 17:13

SmallBox · 03/09/2025 13:45

Do you live in the Everglades?

OFFS

Nanny0gg · 03/09/2025 17:14

Cantgetausername87 · 03/09/2025 17:10

YABU she's "chosen" to work to provide for your daughter. It's up to her what she does when in her care and I applaud her for working and doing her best - as should you.

The daughter will be full time (of the ex's time) with her grandmother, sleeping on the sofa with her clothes kept in a duffel bag.

The mother will not care for her at all

@Neil90 You need a solicitor

Sharkpenis · 03/09/2025 17:16

I think everyone's jumped on you because youre a man.

If someone come on here and said their exh had given their kids to his mum, the replies would be very different.

If your daughter wants to live with you, and the conditions are better (sounds a lot better) then you shouldn't have much in the way of issues. You have PR for your child, you do not have to hand your child over to live with someone without PR.

If it was just as childcare then that would be a bit different. But if she's living with grandma full time, you 100% have a say in that.

If you do decide not to send child back to grandma, then first make sure child wants that, and I would make mum/grandma social services, maybe even the police aware of what you are doing and why. Keep everything to in writing. Keep open minded to going back to 50/50 if mum changes plans or improves conditions.

ScrollingLeaves · 03/09/2025 17:18

Rosscameasdoody · 03/09/2025 16:57

OP has stated he is autistic, so that may account for the direct nature of the replies, that you are interpreting as aggression.

Show quote history

I appreciate that the OP ‘s autism may account for that directness but it is a fact that in his reply he said I ought not respond unless it is to agree with him. Is that approach extended to other people in his life?

What a picture is being painted of this chain smoking old woman in a slum and dangerous dogs outside while a lovely house with a home-baking step mother and lovely stepsister is waiting with open arms - So therefore he now has the right to just take his DD for full custody after 7 years.

Why is he afraid of the court? Why would he fold under the pressure of a good lawyer if this all true and is so detrimental for DD? Autism in itself wouldn’t be against him.

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 17:19

@CautiousLurker01 That's why I'm holding my judgement to work out if he hasn't screwed her over financially.
My ex-husband lives in a far, far bigger house than me and us in privately rented still a decade on becuase...well...just that. Financial abuse and control. And yep, I was married. Could be even worse for this lady.

Kreepture · 03/09/2025 17:21

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 17:19

@CautiousLurker01 That's why I'm holding my judgement to work out if he hasn't screwed her over financially.
My ex-husband lives in a far, far bigger house than me and us in privately rented still a decade on becuase...well...just that. Financial abuse and control. And yep, I was married. Could be even worse for this lady.

Edited

i can't see how he is when he's paying £250pw without an agreed CMA or Court Order in place with 50/50 residency.

His responsibility is to his child, he has zero financial responsibility to his Ex.

Rosscameasdoody · 03/09/2025 17:21

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 17:02

@Rosscameasdoody Absolutely. Rental properties are bloody expensive - I speak from experience! What's the betting father owns his own lovely home? So what happened with the divorce?

From what l can see OP seems to be doing everything he can financially. He contributes to the extras as well as providing £1000 a month on top of 50/50. I don’t think we can speculate on what happened with the divorce without the details, especially as OP has said his ex was the first to move into a new relationship, which has since ended.

RawBloomers · 03/09/2025 17:23

OP agree with previous posters that you need legal advice, not a bunch of women on AIBU. You could start by posting in Legal to see if any of the actual lawyers there (filter out the majority of people, like me, who have an opinion but no expertise) can give you a broad strokes idea of whether this is worth pursuing or not (try and get the Alsatian bit right, though!). But for what it’s worth (and I remind you I’m one of the people with an opinion and no expertise) I don’t think the courts would look favourably on a child having a sofa as their primary sleeping area, being left with a grandparent permanently when they don’t want it, nor on the chain smoking indoors. It doesn’t sound like your ex- is putting her daughter’s best interests first and I can see why you’re worried.

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 17:25

@Kreepture Where were they living when they separated? A 1.4 million property? Why is she in (?private) rented? Trust me - very few people are in privately rented though choice due to cost. She could be massively struggling financially but that doesn't make her a bad mother. She may have no choice but to work better paid evening hours.
We only know his side of the story.

Rosscameasdoody · 03/09/2025 17:27

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 17:19

@CautiousLurker01 That's why I'm holding my judgement to work out if he hasn't screwed her over financially.
My ex-husband lives in a far, far bigger house than me and us in privately rented still a decade on becuase...well...just that. Financial abuse and control. And yep, I was married. Could be even worse for this lady.

Edited

But this doesn’t come across in OP’s posts at all. He’s paying well over CMS with no compulsion to do so because he has 50/50, and he pays for extras. Ex moved on to another relationship which has now ended, and OP’s responsibility is to his DD, not to financially support his ex wife, who he says is working and claiming everything she needs to, as well as benefiting from his own voluntary contributions. That doesn’t sound like a financially abusive person to me.

PeachySmile2 · 03/09/2025 17:28

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 16:53

@PeachySmile2 And what if mum has to work those hours to pay the bills?

Then the other, available parent should look after her. Can’t believe this is even a debate.

Kreepture · 03/09/2025 17:28

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 17:25

@Kreepture Where were they living when they separated? A 1.4 million property? Why is she in (?private) rented? Trust me - very few people are in privately rented though choice due to cost. She could be massively struggling financially but that doesn't make her a bad mother. She may have no choice but to work better paid evening hours.
We only know his side of the story.

ohh.. i see, you're projecting your situation to reserve judgement, and not paying any attention to the actual issue in hand.. which is her mother has handed her over to live with her grandmother in a place where she has no bed, and has to live out of a duffel bag, while mom continues to live in a two bed flat and claim UC & £1000 off her ex.

rainbowunicorn · 03/09/2025 17:28

Cantgetausername87 · 03/09/2025 17:10

YABU she's "chosen" to work to provide for your daughter. It's up to her what she does when in her care and I applaud her for working and doing her best - as should you.

Have you actually read the OP or any of his updates ?The daughter is not in the ex partners care. She has handed the daughter to her mother and will visit occasionally. Thats not being a parent. A child living in grim circumstances, with no private space, no bed and being subjected to breath someone else's toxic smoke should most definitely not be applauded

Soontobe60 · 03/09/2025 17:28

Neil90 · 03/09/2025 13:35

Ex has decided to hand her over to her mother for all of her 50% with her as she believes its whats best so that daughter isn't in-between 3 homes, daughter is very unhappy living with grandma, she's living out of a duffle bag and sleeping on a sofa that stinks of smoke so its not a good environment for her when she could be in her own bedroom, ex will visit daughter at her mums but has decided to not have her staying in her house anymore

Are you in the UK? If so, and DD is now living with her grandma 50% then it’s kinship Care. Time to instruct a solicitor Id say.

Kreepture · 03/09/2025 17:31

I'd also be inclined to report her mother for benefit fraud, because you can bet she's not reported to HMRC that she no longer has the child living with her.. or reported the change to UC either.

Petitchat · 03/09/2025 17:31

SisSuffragette · 03/09/2025 13:59

Alligators?!

OFGS!!!

Hankunamatata · 03/09/2025 17:31

How l use do you live to each other?

I know it put you out but could offer to collect dd before mums nightshift and the return her in the morning? Offer ex some alternatives. Pointing out that dd cannot live a week in a house without a room or a bed

Rosscameasdoody · 03/09/2025 17:32

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 17:25

@Kreepture Where were they living when they separated? A 1.4 million property? Why is she in (?private) rented? Trust me - very few people are in privately rented though choice due to cost. She could be massively struggling financially but that doesn't make her a bad mother. She may have no choice but to work better paid evening hours.
We only know his side of the story.

Agree, but OP hasn’t said much about his own finances beyond the fact that both he and his wife own their own businesses. And that doesn’t make what ex is forcing her DD to do right, especially when she has a viable alternative in OP himself. She clearly doesn’t want him to have DD all the time as she will lose his contribution - she may well find that that happens anyway as OP has said he doesn’t trust the grandmother to spend his money on DD.

We only ever get one side of the story on MN - that’s the nature of it. The trick is not to project our own experiences and keep it objective in the absence of the details we’d like.

Bathingforest · 03/09/2025 17:33

Hi honey. From a grandma. Not sure what is chain smocking but living in a 1 bed even cluttered flat isn't a sin , evil or crime. Little street thugs can appear in your vicinity also, including pit bullies, shepherd dogs or people selling drugs.

Your case isn't fully formed. The mother is using her custody rights. So far your child hasn't been abused or neglected?

I don't agree with smoking, do you have proofs the grandma just indeed smokes indoors ??

You should go to court if you have concerns....

Petitchat · 03/09/2025 17:35

ScrollingLeaves · 03/09/2025 17:18

I appreciate that the OP ‘s autism may account for that directness but it is a fact that in his reply he said I ought not respond unless it is to agree with him. Is that approach extended to other people in his life?

What a picture is being painted of this chain smoking old woman in a slum and dangerous dogs outside while a lovely house with a home-baking step mother and lovely stepsister is waiting with open arms - So therefore he now has the right to just take his DD for full custody after 7 years.

Why is he afraid of the court? Why would he fold under the pressure of a good lawyer if this all true and is so detrimental for DD? Autism in itself wouldn’t be against him.

Show quote history

Please don't discuss autism when you obviously know nothing about the condition.

Petitchat · 03/09/2025 17:39

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 17:25

@Kreepture Where were they living when they separated? A 1.4 million property? Why is she in (?private) rented? Trust me - very few people are in privately rented though choice due to cost. She could be massively struggling financially but that doesn't make her a bad mother. She may have no choice but to work better paid evening hours.
We only know his side of the story.

Which is why he should go to a solicitor and we should keep out of it.

RhaenysRocks · 03/09/2025 17:39

ScrollingLeaves · 03/09/2025 17:18

I appreciate that the OP ‘s autism may account for that directness but it is a fact that in his reply he said I ought not respond unless it is to agree with him. Is that approach extended to other people in his life?

What a picture is being painted of this chain smoking old woman in a slum and dangerous dogs outside while a lovely house with a home-baking step mother and lovely stepsister is waiting with open arms - So therefore he now has the right to just take his DD for full custody after 7 years.

Why is he afraid of the court? Why would he fold under the pressure of a good lawyer if this all true and is so detrimental for DD? Autism in itself wouldn’t be against him.

Show quote history

I think that's disingenuous. It's perfectly possible that both the scenarios are as he described and absolutely that people would be nervous to face a lawyer in court if they know that interpretation of language and implied meaning is not their strong point. We really can only ever take an OP at face value. This is not a court.