Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

Definitely

I'm smelling a rat. I would like to know why ex is in rented for a start. What happened to the former home? I'd also be interested to know difference in earning capacities between mum and dad. Housing situations seem very different.

😂

Not unreasonable at all. The purpose of split custody is so that your ex can have her daughter for that time, not hand her over to her grandmother. It’s split custody with your ex, not the grandmother. I’d be going to court.

@PeachySmile2 And what if mum has to work those hours to pay the bills?

Quite

@Neil90 I think you are answering unnecessarily aggressively.

It is understandable if you disagree with my view but I do think differently from you from what I can pick up.

Of course I also realise that no one but all of you ( including your wife, her mother and your dd) know the full situation.

It’s exactly that. Make do. A sofa in a living room that smells of second hand smoke would not be regarded as a suitable bed for a child of eight. There is also no privacy and nowhere for her to store her clothes. Sleeping in the same room or the same bed as the grandmother isn’t ideal either. Especially as the OP can offer a better solution.

And nowhere does it say the DD prefers it this way, OP says she isn’t happy with the arrangement. OP has also pretty much stated that this is a permanent arrangement, not just overnight stays - and common sense dictates that if mum is working night shifts she will be sleeping during the day, so will be providing little or no care. If there is no court order compelling OP to allow this and he has PR, then he can simply refuse to hand back DD and allow his ex to take him to court, where he can challenge the arrangement. I suspect some sort of compulsion will be necessary because it’s obvious that a sticking point to a voluntary arrangement will be that OP is paying maintenance and that will stop if he has sole custody.

It is if she's met someone.

OP has stated he is autistic, so that may account for the direct nature of the replies, that you are interpreting as aggression.

Agree

@Yesidoactually Or if she's struggling to pay the rent so has to take whatever work she can.

Exactly ! The comments are unreal

@Imbusytodaysorry I'll await to hear re rhe why the housing situation appears very different in both homes and the difference in earning capacities/potentials.

I think a lot of people have missed that the mum has given her disagree up to her own mother permanently and the child has no bedroom.
@Neil90 talk to the school to let them know. Speak to social services and the family courts that you want your daughter full time and your ex has relinquished custody to an unsuitable environment. They are pretty hot on a gcold back bf their own bedroom. Your ex could have had her mum sleep over at her 2bed house and see her daughter the rest of the time.

What about the cigarette smoke? The DD does not prefer staying with granny, OP has said his DD is unhappy. Have you not read OPs posts?

Or if she’s realised she can earn well doing overnight care. My DiL did this for a while and earned in excess of £700 a week as they were waking nights which attracts a much higher hourly rate.

OP, your plan going forward sounds good, you have got to try to get this formally resolved, hopefully through mediation. Maybetry to get DDs mom to confirm over text that she has moved DD in with her mother full time? E.g. text “can you explain again why you’ve changed jobs so DD is now living 100% of the time with your mom during your week? She is very unhappy about having no bed or privacy and obviously I’m concerned about the smoking. As you know we are more than happy to have her live here with as much visitation as you’d like” and she if she’ll confirm that’s what’s happening so you have some proof. I’d keep my powder dry re: money you send her for a bit until you have spoken to a family solicitor. Research and ask around for local ones with excellent reputations. If your ex gets wind that things are shaky for her on that front, she may be encouraged to see the current situation is ridiculous and selfish and go back to how it was, or she may go nuclear. Obviously we have no idea how she’d react.

Your best bet is to frame it as a safeguarding issue. Taking the entire post on face value, I suspect she does have a new partner and is prioritizing that, but also doesn't want to jeopardize the money she’s entitled - and not entitled - to.

Ignore the eejits on here trying to flex their “critical abilities” to pick you apart. So boring.

It’d be a cold day in hell before I’d allow any 8yo of mine to live like this.

@Rosscameasdoody Absolutely. Rental properties are bloody expensive - I speak from experience! What's the betting father owns his own lovely home? So what happened with the divorce?

@Neil90 as a divorced parent, I think you’ve been eminently fair here. £250pw /a little over £1k per month is a lot of month for one child subject to shared care - there is no way reasonable expenses overheads for her would be over £2k per month. I suspect the mother is concerned not that you’ll seek maintenance for her, but that your money will stop. Brutal as it may be that’s not your concern if the child is living elsewhere - and more importantly from your story (two sides and all that) it sounds to me like a court would look favourably on some shift at least - particularly if the 8yo child wants that. Good luck

OP says "ex partner" so I don't think they were ever married. If he does indeed own a lovely home, he is allowed to do so and it may well have been purchased since the split.

Going by your comments OP and correct me if I'm wrong here:
Your ex was working days and claiming benefits I suppose due to a low income and the fact that she has your daughter on her claim. Because your daughter is on her UC claim means she's entitled to a 2bedroom housing element from UC. So my guess is she knows that if she hands over custody to you she will lose the majority of her UC as they won't pay all of her rent for a 2bedroom property whilst being the only occupant in there. She would also lose her child element of UC and her child benefits. She would also lose the entitlement of some of her income being disregarded from her benefits. It sounds like she doesn't want to lose all of that money. While your daughter "lives" with mum according to benefits she won't lose her money as I can bet she won't declare anything to the benefits service that your daughter will live with her grandma. She sounds selfish. I bet she's made some promise to grandma that she will pay her a significant amount of money to allow your daughter to live there while your ex still claims all her benefits accordingly to her current circumstances

Agree with this. Maintenance is for the child, not to prop up a former partner

OP you really need legal advice, not the advice of some posters who do not rtft. You explained quite clearly you child was 8 and that auto correct put alligators and not dogs, and still sime posters did not read the update.
The above said, the Mother has left the child with a Gran who lives in a messy 1 bedroom flat, who chain smokes, does not give her a bed just a settee, and the child has to keep her clothes in a duffel bag. She also smells badly of smoke. I can understand the Father is worried, but most importantly the child does not want to stay there.
The child's needs come first and in this case the child dies not want to go to the Gran. I am shocked at some of the replies here, but heartened alot of sensible posters came along and advised the Father about a solicitor. I say this as a Mother, whose son had a lot of time with his Dad when we divorced and whose needs come first.

There is some nuance in a long marriage. But generally yes, maintenance is for the DC.