Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

It really isn’t. Especially a filthy smoked filled sofa. Maybe okay for a night or two in an emergency, but certainly not for 50% of the time.

ftr, i've reported some of the shockingly obnoxious behaviour on the thread.

Definitely 'not in the spirit' of the supportive environment this is meant to be.

There's a few posters who ought to be fucking ashamed of themselves.

Texts are admissible within the Family Court

This doesn’t sound good for your daughter at all. You know that. An 8 yr old shouldn’t be stuck in a smokey living room couch when there is a better option.

Keep any messages from ex stating that dd is no longer going to be at her house but always at her gran’s for her 50% and use the £1k a month you were paying ex to engage with a solicitor instead

Your DD should be with you. I am of course speculating but I would think that her mum offloading her on granny for her week is going to make her feel pretty shit - even if she doesn't realise it.

It will be important for your DD to know her mum does love her, but that her living with you full time just makes more sense right now. No one is trying to get rid of her (Even if it sounds like mum is)

signed - a girl who was posted around

Because some fathers are men who want to provide more for their children if they are higher earners than the other parent. I think its very refreshing to hear!

@Neil90 you've had to explain yourself over and over!

I do not believe people would have such a problem if you were the Mum.

Your DD has 2 parents, only one of which is looking after her.

The ex already doesn't have her DD at all so it's probably your money she wants to keep, and I agree you should stop sending it as it's purpose was so she could have the same lifestyle at both houses and she clearly does not.

I cannot believe people are sticking up for the Mum over an innocent 8 year old child been stuck inhaling second hand smoke and sleeping on a sofa and not a bed!! WTF.

This child has no bed. This child isn;t happy staying there 50% of the time. The mum happily takes the benefits of being a 'single parent', along with OPs money, but is only visiting her.

Maybe some of you should look at why you hate men so much...or perhaps it's because you also make your young kids sleep on a sofa and inhale your smoke.

Absolute craziness on here sometimes.

He made the mistake of admitting he’s the Father in this situation. He should have wrote it as if he’s her Mother and the responses would be entirely different.

You sound like a lovely dad and I really hope you get this unsavoury situation sorted asap. Very strange that your ex has palmed your DD off on her mum to live in less than ideal conditions. Get a good family lawyer onto and best of luck.

I'm sorry you’re getting a hard time OP. You sound like a great Dad. I suspect the only way to resolve this is by taking it to family court. With regards to your Autism. Being Autistic will not be held against you, if your Autism caused risky or dangerous behaviour or they had evidence of past issues that would be taken into account. You haven’t mentioned any issues on your part so you will be fine, just be honest as you have been here. I hope it works out for the best.

The only thing that is annoying me about this thread is everyone saying “people would be supportive if the sexes were reversed” when most people are being supportive!

This thread is a prime example of why Mumsnet can be so toxic. The man has asked for some help and advice and some of the comments on here have been hideous.

I don't have any advice for you other than to seek legal advice immediately and stop the Child Maintenance payments as she won't need them if she is not looking after your daughter (which was very generous of you in the first place!). I wish you all the best.

PS - please anonymously report the dogs to Police/Council.

You're entirely in the right and I'd get legal advice.

The more you say the more it sounds like money could be the issue. If she lets DD live with you she will loose out on the £1000 from you plus any child related benefits so financially she will be taking a big hit. To leave the set up as it currently is she looses nothing

The key detail is to ask how much time your daughter gets to see her mum for during the time with Grandma. If mum is there after school and for evening meal, and goes off to her overnight work when DD goes to sleep, then it's not reasonable to flip to DD living 100% with you because that's a lot of lost parental contact time.

It is reasonable to object to your DD having to sleep where she has no bed and in a toxic environment full of cigarette smoke.

Do you live close enough that DD can spend the afterschool/dinner/evening time with her mum/grandma and then come to yours just to sleep?

Glad you're getting legal advice on this. It's the only way. I'd also flag it with school so they know you are aware of the problem/s.

No decent parent would want their child spending half her time in an environment where she has no bed, no living space, no privacy and is exposed to chain smoking. Hope you get full custody.

Hi @Neil90 just want to wish you good luck with speaking with a solicitor.

I hope you have a strong case for full custody. You are right to be concerned about this situation and I hope you will have your daughter living with you full time asap. You sound like a great caring Dad. Please update us.

What is the priority in life? The ‘right’ sort of bed or a perfectly comfortable make do sofa in a flat with a loving grandmother.

Thousands of people in the U.K. particularly children and teens have a particular IKEA wooden sofa for example that also works as single or double bed without it causing harm because of not being perfect as a bed. As for the bunk beds there are, they aren’t very comfortable either.

If it comes to it no doubt the grandmother can get an extra bed for her own room or share her bed if it is big enough.

If OP simply keeps offering to help with having his DD to stay in his comfortable home whenever necessary, in a friendly and supportive way, they might well take him and his new wife up on it. Meanwhile maybe the ex wife and DD prefer it this way and have a reason. Maybe his ex wife is only working at nights for now.

Perhaps also OPs wife is not as close to OP’s DD as her grandmother is. Half the world or more get by because of grandmothers.

Well if the DD wants to live with you, she needs to make more fuss in that respect. I grew up in a smoke filled house and it has, without doubt, affected my health. Constant chest infections, asthma and the mouth breathing meant my maxilla and facial bones never grew properly so I am moon faced.

It's a dereliction of her duty.

Court. I don’t think it’ll go down well that she has no bed and is in a fug of secondhand smoke, I can’t stand being at my dm’s house due to her smoking, it stinks.

I dont know about these things but I would have thought if your daughter is being subjected to that kind of passive smoking then thats a serious health issue. Maybe get half an hour with a solicitor who specialises in these matters and just test out your idea. If they think you stand a chance then take it further. I dont think a mother who subjects her child to passive smoking is a very responsible parent quite honestly. Chain smoking in s tiny flat. Yuck.

Yes it is. Some women bringing their own issues into it I suspect. Very different opinions if the genders were reversed.

@Neil90 That's good, but it isn't necessarily your ex-wife's fault she doesn't have the same flexibility with work. That doesn't make you automatically a better father and actually, fair play to her for the fact she is working. She may just be trying to makes ends meet, especially as you say she is in rented accommodation. Privately rented?
Why is that? What happened regarding housing when you separated?
When I became a separated parent with 50/50 I was a primary teacher so my hours of work were not flexible and also long. But I had to pay my rent. My ex-husband suddenly became "magically" self-employed with all of the flexibility in the world. Funny that.