Parents Begging Their Children… What Happened to Parenting?

[Katherina198819]

Every time I’m out with my children- playgrounds, shops, playgroups, nursery pick-ups- I see it: parents begging their kids. A 3-year-old is playing happily in the sand, having the time of their life. The parent comes over and says, “Would you like to go?” Of course the child shouts “No!”—why wouldn’t they? They want to stay. The parent keeps pleading: “Please, let’s go… Would you like to put on your shoes?” The child gets frustrated; why would they want to put on shoes if they don’t want to leave? It goes on for 15 minutes, sometimes longer, until the child is finally dragged away screaming.

This isn’t a one-off: I see it constantly. We’ve entered a world where parents don’t really parent. They call it “embracing emotions” or “teaching moments”, but in reality, they’re not guiding their kids. Not everything has to be a lesson or an emotional workshop. Sometimes parenting is just about doing, not negotiating.

I think expecting children to make decisions like this sets them up for failure. They don’t understand that you need to go home, cook dinner, or do your tax paperwork; they only know you asked if they wanted to go, and they said no. Parenting isn’t therapy. Sometimes it’s just guidance, plain and simple.

older Children need to be given the opportunity to make their own good decision and then warned before you move them

See now in my house I'd argue that older children should have learned to do as they are told when an adult gives them an instruction. There'd be no "opportunities to make a good decision" (eyeroll) or warnings for an older kid in my house - we'd go straight to consequences for disobedience.

More than once I have intervened and chivvied a recalcitrant child along who wasn’t heeding its parent’s entreaties. Went down like a shit in a kettle but there we go.

Erm yes you ask them nicely to move out of the way twice tops then the child gets moved ! If they carry on not following instructions then its time to leave

It's the pre-teen/teenagers who are disrespectful and rude to their parents in public. I imagine the same children in a classroom or even worse at their first job, wondering why they are failing to gain promotion/getting laid off.

Learning to manage your emotions when you can not get your own way is such an important skill to learn.

I do too!

And that the ones that aren’t are there because of ineffectual parenting or people wanting benefits! That’s what pp said.

So she’s basically saying that some kids only get a diagnosis because of weak, ineffective parents and some because of lying parents.

As I said, the comment was insulting to parents of autistic children. I mean, which parent am I supposed to be?
A genuine one, a useless one, a lying one? Would pp wonder about that behind my back?

I would say the idea of giving choices is intended to be more along the lines of “You have to do a chore because in our house we all make a contribution. Would you like to fill the dishwasher, pick up the things you and your sister played with in the living room or take the rubbish out to the bin?” There is a choice but it’s bounded & there are still things that are not negotiable.

Exactly. I was agreeing with you.

You’re saying kids can get a diagnosis without good reason. Also see my reply to pp please.

I’m way older than the gentle parenting generation but while I can see the point of sympathising with a child (say about having to leave the playground, or move off a piece of play equipment for others) over something they don’t want to do, the bottom line is - they’ve still got to do it!

We don’t always get to choose, in childhood or in later life and this lesson is as important as any.

A relative was the same when her kids were young.
She'd ask both what they'd want for dinner, and get 2 different answers.
The idiot would then cook 2 different meals.
The kids were staying with me for a bit, and they had shock to the system when I made dinner, and that was it.

How is it gaslighting to give your child two choices? Red or blue pj’s, rice or noodles, chocolate or banana milk etc. How can you criticise that?

The binary thinking on here is disturbing. There are more than two choices of giving them everything they want and abusive parenting.

All this please would you mind awfully if we go now darling stuff wasn’t my style. I would give them a heads up, five minutes left, then it was ‘right, that’s it, time’s up, we’re off now’. That was it. I don’t recall it ever being an issue.

Totally get this. And then the same parents 12 years later complaining their kids are rude lazy and abusive and they don't know what to do 🤣

These threads are always so smug, just lots of users patting themselves on the back for being incredible parents. Clearly there isn’t a widespread parenting issue because all MNers are the most amazing parents ever 😆

I definitely think some parents give children a choice rather than a direction. My sil asked my 2.5yo niece if she’d like a nap 🫤 just tell her it’s nap time!!

Kids like to know their parents are in charge and not them.

Just be fair but firm. Five more minutes doesn’t mean half an hour because the child, not the parent, said so.

I did what I think is the real definition of gentle parenting (ie not permissive, though people can’t seem to get their head round the difference). Kids need to feel safe in the knowledge that you are their (benign) leader, just like adults stranded on a desert island would feel safer knowing they had a benign leader in their group, who would keep them safe. A lot of bad behaviour is because children don’t feel safe (not in an abusive way) but in that they are too free range when they actually yearn for safe boundaries.

People say that they are doing gentle parenting, they may even think that they are. But read the stuff from the likes of Janet Lansbury and they would see that this is NOT gentle parenting. It is not endless negotiating, asking, pleading, giving choices where realistically where there shouldn’t be one and holding no boundaries. There absolutely are boundaries with the gentle parenting approach: the parent should acknowledge their feelings about the rule but be clear and firm that it’s non negotiable and, yes, physically help them if need be ‘I know you don’t want to leave the park but it’s home time and you are having a hard time putting on your shoes so I’m going to help you’ while remaining calm is how a proper gentle parent would approach this.
The rubbish you describe is just poor parenting.

I agree. I think it gives security knowing someone is in charge. Maybe it’s just me but even as an adult I like things to be clear - if I’m in a club or hobby group (and when I was at work) I want to know that there’s a strong lead.

Nope. I just find it pathetic that people watch others parenting and then can be bothered to start moaning to a load strangers about it. I just couldn’t give two fucks how anyone else parents. I’m kinda busy

Well I could! It affects us all how people choose to parent, or not to parent, or even neglect or abuse their children.

These are actual young humans we’re concerned with- the future of this country.

Yes, I think you're entirely right about this being about not wanting/being afraid to seem confrontational or to be 'ordering' people around. I know because this is just how I used to be, and actually having children was one of the things that helped cure me. Like a pp's DH, I was constantly saying things like 'do you want to go for your bath?' when I meant 'we are going for a bath' - and it was because that was how I communicated in general, timidly and therefore passively. The kids and becoming a people manager (which happened around the same time) made me realise how often I did it, and how unhelpful and indeed inadvertently unkind it was to others compared to direct communication. But yes, I think it does come from a fear of being 'bossy', or being seen to be bossy, even in a situation - like parenting a toddler, or indeed being the manager - where sometimes you are literally 'the boss'. In my case I think it was very gendered, though I have also encountered men like this.

I would say to my DS "we are leaving in 5 minutes" and then after 5 minutes we would leave. I didn't ask him. But also if we had more time I'd let him know. Or if we could add something onto the day.

I cannot bear the performance parenting I sometimes hear. Children need proper guidance.

Parenting is so rare now that when I hear it it's unusual. A child was repeatedly on the floor of a store and her DF told her you get up now. She wasn't asked or had it explained to her. She got up.

There are in practice several versions of 'gentle parenting'. One that appeals to me is to acknowledge the feelings - 'I know you're having fun and want to stay here', then offer something they actually want - ' 'you can stay here for another three goes on the slide and we'll have a race to the exit to pat the toy dog' - then the instruction with a short explanation - 'then we will go home, because it will be lunch time and time to collect Tommy.'

I do think that acknowledging children's feelings is important, but trying to persuade them that they want something they don't want, is actually invalidating them.