SIL still isolating due to covid risk

[dragontears]

AIBU to think this is no way to live now? She works from home and will only leave the house for essential errands with mask on. She is terrified of getting long covid. Feels like her life is very very limited for a 38 year old!

Anyone else have people they know in this position? How to support them?

There are lots of people still shielding or being covid cautious...for me I have damaged lungs, for others they have medications that affect their immune systems...lots of reasons. I mask ..but feel 'stand out' so do much less.

SO if everyone could be kind about extra ventilation, smiles to someone who is masking our lives could be so much better. I now have my happy places cafes with courtyards, post office where the door is always open. I judge the risks and watch the covid stats. There really are thousands of us.. we hide often because small accommodations don't happen.
Bless your SIL is ot possible you dont know her full medical history?

I think for a certain group of people (excluding those with immune vulnerabilities and LC etc) COVID became an excuse to step away from society and people and some people have leaned into this.

There's a small but sizeable percentage of people who really hate interacting with others outside their families and struggle with social anxiety to a point where it's severely debilitating. Prior to COVID most people were forced to do it so they developed a bit of a social muscle but the ability to shield and isolate allowed them a plausible reason to extricate themselves from these social interactions.

I find it profoundly worrying, to be honest and I think as a society we still haven't really tackled the hard questions about why so many people are terrified of other people.

As others have said there is nothing you can do if she won't recognise she has a serious mental health issue, the covid thing is a red herring just used to subconsciously enable her agoraphobia/anxiety whatever it is.

All you and your db can do is persistently suggest she sees her gp but obviously it's down to her.

Id speak to your brother, she needs an intervention or psychiatric help.

Life is for living. I feel so sad for people who are affected much more drastically by the fear of the thing, than by the thing itself. I’m immunocompromised but I have the boosters and go about my life as normal.

'I think for a certain group of people (excluding those with immune vulnerabilities and LC etc) COVID became an excuse to step away from society and people and some people have leaned into this.'

Exactly this.

Like anyone with mh issues you just have to tread carefully don't get into covid debates just keep quietly saying her behaviour is concerning and she needs help from a mh professional.

There’s a young-ish family living on my street who are like this. They have everything delivered, rarely go out (and are masked when they do) and have two school aged children who have never been back to school since. I suspect they are being ‘home schooled’ officially but this can’t be healthy can it?

I do know (as the children were at my school, but not in my class, prior to lockdown) that there is no underlying cause for this, ie nobody in the family is immunocompromised, so would imagine mental health is the cause here.

It’s no way to live…especially with children. 😢

DB is putting his head in the sand about it. Doesn't like conflict

That's a shame, because you said she resists all attempts to get her to access help for her MH and I'd have hoped he could drive this - unless of course he's tried and also been rebuffed

Of course it's made worse because with a wrecked immune sytem she'll catch everything that's going when/if she moves on from this, but TBH I'm not sure there's much you can do

I know of someone like that - masks, gloves, sprays, constant hand washing - not physically vulnerable. Insists that everyone else behaves the same. Was controlling before COVID but now has reason/excuse to order people about.

I agree some therapy may help?

Long covid is debilitating and I can absolutely understand her wanting to avoid it at all costs.

However LC isn’t the only risk to health. We are all only the next minute away from something that can change our lives forever and she may avoid LC but she can’t/wont avoid those things.

My ds developed problems with his legs at 8yo and we discovered he has a degenerative neuromuscular condition.

Health anxiety is a real thing and debilitating in itself. I doubt she’ll ever stop worrying about it but maybe CBT would help her manage her anxiety around it?

I guess it depends on your version of "worth." Some people think the highlights of life are going out to restaurants, pubs, movies etc. Others love being home reading or gardening, cooking etc. I know quite a few people who rediscovered their love of being a homebody through the lockdown and who are we to deem that "tragic"?

As others have said, it's a mental health issue. Long covid is awful (I have two friends with it) but her fear is disproportionate to the risk of her contracting it. And, in any case, the cure in this case is worse than the disease...

Life involves risk - we cross the road, we drive cars, we ride bicycles, we swim, women give birth. All of these could cause death or serious injury (although often less than they did in the recent past). But they are positve parts of life.

She needs help...

My husbands friend’s wife is like this, it really looks like she’s developed both agoraphobia and social anxiety, it’s a really sad situation and her husband is really concerned and frustrated. It is absolutely a mental health issue, it feels like she was so scared and traumatised by Covid, she can’t now mentally move back to normal life, the impact has been enormous on her. She’s in her mid 40s and her world is now so small and she is so isolated as well. She is terrified to leave the house.

There is a difference between enjoying home based activities like reading, gardening and cooking and not being able to leave your house except for medical appointments.

Yeah that's no way to live.
Ive got cancer and even im not that careful. Life is for living.

I've had Covid twice and for me it wasn't any worse than a head cold. In all honesty, I've had worse head colds before and since, to the point that last time I actually said I'd have preferred to have Covid!

That said, I do think it is doing the rounds again and is wiping people out a lot more again (because the healthy have not had recent vaccines, possibly?). I've known a few people that have had it (who are testing because of contact with vulnerable people) and all have said it absolutely floored them, including a friend of mine that I've known for 20 years and have never known him to even moan about feeling under the weather, let alone take a day off sick, who was bed bound for 3 days.

As much as your SIL definitely needs some support to be able to move forward, I wouldn't say that going into a winter is the best time to do it. The last thing she needs is to actually catch it as it will only make her worse.

A colleage did the same. Didn't got out for five years then sadly decided to end his life.

I think you raise some very interesting points here. I have a friend who is still shielding, won't go out of the house, won't meet people. She is not immunosuppressed and has no health problems. She just became obsessed with COVID and catching it.
She didn't even go to her own mother's funeral, which was last year, and not subject to any COVID rules.
I would agree that there are certainly other issues at play.

That's just awful. How terrible that he couldn't get help.

She’s mentally ill and needs psychiatric treatment.

Utterly ridiculous and I would tell her so. If she wants to waste her life in this manner, let her get on with it.

I don't suppose there is much you can do to support her. People like this are unlikely to change their minds, in the same way that you'll never convince certain conspiracy theorists that the Royals aren't actual shape shifting lizards. Maybe be a support for your brother as it must be difficult for him, and do your best to facilitate her taking part in normal activities as sympathetically as possible, should she show any signs of progression.

At the end of the day, everything that we do has inherent risk. Even if you stay at home 24/7 you increase the likelihood of dying in a house fire or from carbon monoxide asphyxiation, not to mention the mental health affects. She will also risk her relationship with her husband, family and friends. There is only so long even the best of people will bother with someone who refuses to leave the house.

Everyone's perception of risk is different, but I would rather risk Ebola, never mind covid and its associated post viral fatigue often deemed "long-covid" than live her existence. The Shawshank Redemption quote comes to my mind here. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

My suspicion is that she is collateral damage of the deranged fear campaign waged by the government, and is so far gone that she has lost the ability to weigh up risk properly.

Does your SIL have health problems which could be life-threatening if she were to catch COVID? If so, then that could be the reason...

I’d have zero patience for this I’m afraid. But it’s her life and if she wants to waste it, it’s on her. It’s not a normal way to live but if she won’t take any responsibility for her mental health there isn’t anything anyone can do.

I do also think the government need to take some responsibility for their fear mongering and propaganda which has contributed to people feeling like this.

The op says she goes out for walks.

I do think there is a danger in being overly rigid about what constitutes "normal." Yes, she may be at one end of the spectrum, (and it does sound overly restrictive to me personally), but I also know people who seem to require constant stimulation from being at the pub or shopping etc, and yet nobody flags that. I'm not sure that's any healthier.