SIL still isolating due to covid risk

[dragontears]

AIBU to think this is no way to live now? She works from home and will only leave the house for essential errands with mask on. She is terrified of getting long covid. Feels like her life is very very limited for a 38 year old!

Anyone else have people they know in this position? How to support them?

Psychiatric help isn't really available unless you can pay for it or you're dangerous to yourself or others. She would probably be offered 6 sessions of cbt if she fancies waiting about a year.

People are being left alone with severe mental health struggles.

@mumatlast14

Or those around could acknowledge there is a risk and embrace that while also having social interactions with her. There are many Covid Safe groups that meet online and in person who don't gaslight each other into taking unnecessary risks because it feels different.

It sounds like the OP is doing that? She's meeting her for distanced walks and doing zoom calls etc. I don't think anyone is talking about forcing this woman into taking risks she's not comfortable with (I don't think its possible to completely avoid unnecessary risk but that's another discussion). And no one is "gaslighting" her, if anything it sounds like people are bending over backwards to accommodate this.

But I don't see why people can't understand how illogical it is to pick one health risk from the smorgasbord of potential health risks out there and not only to completely reshape your life around this but to expect your family and close friends to also reshape theirs. It's a free country and anyone can do that if they choose to. But you can't expect to do this indefinitely without it impacting on your social relationships. This woman is effectively saying "I value my ability to completely eliminate risk more than I value my husband or immediate family". That's not a sustainable position.

A lot of people have posted very credible research on Long COVID on here and most of this is compelling, but what seems to be lacking is an acknowledgement that this isn't the only risk which people face and that this behaviour in itself points to some underlying health issues. There very clearly is at least an inability to properly assess risk here which needs some support.

So she is happy to be in touch online or go for a walk.
She just doesn't want to go to the pub with you?

If you are so concerned about her isolation, could you plan more meetings outside?

I have two DC who she will not see at all, even socially distanced, because young kids are such germ factories.

So, no, it is not about preferring to go the pub, it is about the fact that I have the kids with me most of the time, so it is often not possible to meet on her strict terms. That’s why it is infrequent.

But there are easy mitigations, but people don't want to take them or abuse others for doing so. Ventilation, HEPA filtration, FFP3 masks. Look at smoking - we know the dangers but people still do it - its not however acceptable to force other people into smoke filled just because its not the only health risk.
There are neutralising nasal sprays on the horizon which will dramatically reduce the longterm health risks.

Yes, this is the crux of the issue - thank you for so articulating that!

I asked a number of questions.

But there are easy mitigations, but people don't want to take them or abuse others for doing so. Ventilation, HEPA filtration, FFP3 masks

Yes, and thats all fine but this woman isn’t limiting herself to this. She’s choosing to live in almost total social isolation.

I would never abuse anyone for wearing a mask or taking meaningful steps to mitigate risk. But I do think it’s right to acknowledge that this is way beyond this. Its full blown neurosis.

Having a go at someone else for choosing to wear a mask is twat behaviour.

It really was an absolutely fucking terrible idea to create a social norm that what other people have on their faces is the business of others. This is the unfortunate outcome of the sort of sentiment we saw on here a few years ago when people started threads whining about other people's mask exemptions. That sort of thing is very hard to put back in the box once out.

You're in for a shock then. There are thousands still shielding due to lack of covid mitigations. NHS guidance still advises clinically vulnerable to consider working from home, only meeting outdoors, ventilation, masking, testing. There are massive groups of people living the way she is.

This post hits the nail on the head.

I don’t want to minimise long covid, I realise it exists and it is a risk. I think the ability to access risk is lacking

sorry but that is absolutely untrue that the NHS still advises people to shield from Covid. There are patients,like there ALWAYS have been, that will always need to take precautions against ALL infections such as those going through chemo. It's not a covid specific thing. i attend groups with people with CFS and Long Covid, we are asked to be considerate by not attending if we are ill but we are not all still being expected to test or mask or isolate! I occasionally meet a person who is wearing a mask at a group but that is perfectly fine if it means they are actually attending groups that will give them the skills to cope better. The idea that anyone without clinical extreme vulnerability ,such as the OP's relative , would need to continue to social distance is absurd and its very clear from this thread how some people remain mentally impacted by covid.It makes me extremely angry how people are still perpetuating this myth because of a misplaced sense of fear.

Wrong. Read my post - i didnt say advises people to shield. Read the NHS advice. You are very very wrong.

Genuine offshoot question - for those of you still wearing masks regularly or shielding, do you plan to do this for rest of your lives? What would need to change in order for you to feel comfortable out in the world without restriction?

(disclaimer: I am not trying to minimise anyone’s health conditions in asking this)

As previously mentioned there are a number of neutralising nasal sprays on the horizon.

You wrote ‘’You're in for a shock then. There are thousands still shielding due to lack of covid mitigations’’ ….you have posted a link to an NHS advice page that was last reviewed in March 2023 that links in turn to a gov page that was posted in June 2022. Do you not think anything has moved on since then for the vast majority of people? Apart from wars and terrorism, the pandemic was one of the most traumatic events at a national level and left many dead, bereaved or long term ill, how about acknowledging it for the trauma that it was and then think about life now and in the future. If you are not extremely vulnerable then it is an utter waste of your life to continue to be so frightened.

Hi OP,

Are you close enough to ask your SIL if she feels she is missing out on any aspects of life by 'shielding'? Could your DB have a word with the GP? Could he explain to your SIL that there are things he feels he is missing out on?

I have extremely severe OCD so my life is not too different to your SILs but I am actively working on it with help from a Psychologist. It does seem a bit odd that she doesn't want to change her life, although perhaps she does but finds it hard to talk about! If you do talk to her at all, make sure she doesn't feel criticised and feels as though you're on her side and maybe remind her of the 'old' her and how her life used to be!

As a LC person, l don’t see any option, unless public health changes or we get a sterilising vaccine. I’m praying for the later.

I don’t want to wear a sodding mask at all. But l don’t want 2 years of LC again. And being unable to sit up, wash myself or all the other horrors it inflicted on me.

Yes I feel the same. It's the least worst of all the evils - sticking a mask on. It's shit. I often think back to the in-person work meeting where I contracted covid (one of the last meetings I attended) - I wish I'd sat by the open door. I wish I'd worn a mask.

But like others, the risks of relapse is so high with re-infection and I can't bear the thought of being house/bedbound again.

Gosh, I'd no idea that there were so many batshit crazy people around - what an ey-opener this thread has been! Covid was terrible and so detrimental, in so many different ways, to the lives of so many people, but as with so many difficult, unpleasant and frightening experiences, most of us have managed to move on and leave it in the past. The fact that there are people still obsessing over the Covid risk in the same way as we all did in 2020/1 is mindblowing.

Or maybe having to deal with family members' and various friends' very real life-limiting illnesses and terminal diagnoses has helped to put things into proper perspective for me. None of them are taking any special preventative measures - on the contrary, they are doing everything they can to squeeze every last bit of enjoyment out of their lives while they still can. I can only suggest that the OP's SIL, @mumatlast14 and others try to do the same.

I did yes because that is true. I didn't however state that NHS advised people to still shield. I said they advised those vulnerable to covid to consider certain actions. Those actions remain in place.
If you kept up to date you would see the NHS guidance changes if necessary. It hasn't changed. (Eg. NHS flu guidance last reviewed 2023) If you also read emerging global peer reviewed studies you would also see covid is doing enormous damage to health.
Sorry it does suit your narrative but it's fact.

Sorry that you are dealing with family with terminal illness - but that doesn't negate the very real risk to those who may not be terminal but still need to avoid covid.

Someone mentioned a scale where at one end there were people who think covid doesn’t exist and at the other were people like OP’s SIL, with most others falling between the two. However, what some people seem to generally want - even if they acknowledge a bit of the damage covid is doing - is for everyone to behave as though covid doesn’t exist now. That is one of the oddest things to me and seems covid-centric.

Thanks, yes I will need to tread very carefully because I don’t want SIL to think we are criticising her and then retreat even more. She is very entrenched in her beliefs, so it’s going to be a long road!

And I’m sorry to hear that you have OCD. Good on you for working on it - can’t be easy.