SIL still isolating due to covid risk

[dragontears]

AIBU to think this is no way to live now? She works from home and will only leave the house for essential errands with mask on. She is terrified of getting long covid. Feels like her life is very very limited for a 38 year old!

Anyone else have people they know in this position? How to support them?

@Kiwislices I'm so sorry 💐

I was afraid to not wear a mask around people until this year. My family just let me do what I wanted, no pressure. I am neurotic, and it took a while before I felt safe.

Thanks for this - and for 'covid cautious'! Me, too. I have a lung condition and am already disabled by ME-CFS. A Covid infection would be disastrous for me, and getting LC on top of my existing conditions is unthinkable.

I do deny myself things I'd otherwise like to do, which involve crowds or being in close contact with people for more than a few seconds, so no hairdresser. I've been to the theatre once since the pandemic and was the only person wearing a mask. I back rapidly away from anybody coughing ... actually, I cough a lot and have noticed others backing away from me too!

It has changed us all, some more than others. It's quite upsetting when people go on and on about it not being a problem any more; it really is.

The risk of LC doesn't reduce with further infections or with newer variants. There's some evidence that vaccination helps reduce the risk, but it's not all that strong.

With someone like OP's SIL, it's surely better to encourage her to take all relevant precautions (ie, be paranoid like me) than tell her she's crazy and irrational. She isn't irrational - just not doing her risk/benefit assessment as effectively as she could.

It's too late to edit so I quoted myself.
I am 70 and have asthma and high blood pressure, arthritis and had breast cancer during covid, so I don't feel I was totally unreasonable.

Very understandable in your situation.

OP, I work in mental health.

Does your sister-in-law see her lifestyle as a problem at all now? Obviously the first step would be for her to acknowledge the change in her behaviour. Does she at least get out to get some fresh air? Getting some daylight is important for mental health and being physically active is important for physical health obviously. She is young but if she keeps this lifestyle up, she may develop health problems.

Getting help doesn’t necessarily mean she has to see a psychiatrist or that she has to start medication or therapy immediately. In our area we have various support services that help people connect back into the community. We also have peer coaches who can meet weekly with people. I really think she would benefit from something like that. I am sure a good peer coach would be happy to wear a mask and they could meet for a walk in a park and gently discuss her worries and feelings about Covid, and set some goals for the future.

I do think it’s a shame for her to be isolated like this and a shame for your brother. There are services out there that can help her, but she obviously needs to see some value in that.

Thank you. That is very helpful. We are not in the UK, but I will look into whether we have anything similar to peer coaching here.

SIL says she is fine with her lifestyle, but she definitely doesn’t seem as vibrant as she used to be, but it is hard to evaluate this because I don’t see her very often and only in such limited circumstances (socially distanced walk or Zoom call).

So your SIL is fine with her lifestyle.
Have you read any covid research?

Are your team aware of the damage covid causes? Would they respect her wishes to protect her health? Would they mask? Test? Unless they fully understand, its not helpful - trying to avoid covid is not a mental health issue. Being abandoned by friends and family and not supported in those choices is. Presumably people don't view those who choose not to smoke or are vegetarian as needing mental help.

She says she is fine. But she is hardly going to admit to being otherwise when she is choosing this lifestyle.

Sorry OP but I still think its her choice and not your business. If you brother asks you for help and advice for him that's different. While she has capacity she gets to decide how her life goes.

I’ll make you a deal. You read research on the impact of social isolation on long-term health (spoiler: it’s really bad news for both physical and mental health) and I’ll read some covid research. Life is a balance of risks, and at the moment, that balance seems very out of kilter for her.

I am sure a good peer coach would be happy to wear a mask and they could meet for a walk in a park

I suggest you read carefully before jumping to respond. Our team would only work with someone who wants support. It’s not compulsory or enforced.

So actually this is your problem and not hers.

But OP has said the person in question is fine with her choices. OP is the one with the issue.

My point is that I mentioned that staff would wear a mask and you immediately asked me about it, in an accusatory way, without reading my post.

So your SIL is fine with her lifestyle.
Have you read any covid research?

Have you read research on how social isolation impacts wellbeing? COVID is only one aspect of health risk. I don’t see anyone denying that Long COVID is real and debilitating but its one in a panoply of malaises. The risk to her health from poor cardiovascular health (from lack of exercise), lack of vitamin D, social isolation etc are at least as great as the COVID risk.

I understand that people with Long COVID feel that the issue is marginalised and I have a lot of sympathy but you have to see this as part of a bigger picture. Protecting your health needs to be holistic and to include mental health. Choosing to focus on this one element of health is never going to support a well balanced approach to lifestyle. Its a bit like becoming obsessed with the idea that you are going to fall out of a window. Yes, its a risk. Its not the only risk.

A person who is choosing to seclude themselves from society in this way is never going to have good overall health outcomes.

But by your own admission she is going out and meeting you. Just not in the way you like. If you are so concerned why not call, chat more but in a covid safe way instead of trying to make her not follow any safe choices.

Well if you’ve read research on the impact of social isolation but not the impact of covid it’s unsurprising it would seem that way to you, isn’t it? Maybe read both and then make a more informed decision about what is and isn’t in kilter? But even then it will be your decision, not hers, and she is a grown woman.

I’m not necessarily saying you’re ultimately wrong, I haven’t read much research on either, but if you’ve only read research on one you clearly don’t have the full picture. As an adult she is entitled to make her own risk assessment, although of course you can express your opinions to her.

It feels like you are spoiling for a fight, so this will be my last reply to you.

As I have stated further up the thread, I acknowledge that it is her choice to live this way. However, there is not denying that 1) long-term social isolation is not a good thing for her 2) her isolating from her extended family is far from ideal 3) her lifestyle impacts my DB and 4) the nature of anxiety and some mental illnesses mean that often it is hard for people to see that they need help.

Over and out. I wish you all the best, but I am not looking for a fight.

Or those around could acknowledge there is a risk and embrace that while also having social interactions with her. There are many Covid Safe groups that meet online and in person who don't gaslight each other into taking unnecessary risks because it feels different.

There is a spectrum on how people react to Covid. At one end there are people like the sister-in-law, who despite being young and healthy, have a fear of Covid that has limited their life significantly. At the other end you have got people who deny that Covid exist. And then everybody else is spread somewhere along the middle. Most people will of course think that their view is the ‘correct’ one.

Certainly in my mental health service we had a huge number of people presenting with anxiety, worsening OCD and depression triggered by the pandemic. We are now getting fewer referrals like that, (we’re getting more for ADHD and ASD now). But for many years it was a significant part of the initial presentation. Not the virus or the physical health problems, but the mental health sequelae from being isolated for so long. That’s not surprising of course.

I think it’s fine for family to be concerned about loved ones whose behaviour has changed a lot. They can gently offer support without judging. I can see no evidence that the OP wants to abandon her relative or is criticising the sister-in-law. It seems like genuine concern about the sister-in-law and the effect on her brother, which I think is pretty reasonable really.

And it is a shame that there are not more long Covid clinics to offer people the support that they need.

I've tried to give you lots of kind advice but you seem determined to dismiss covid and badge it all as mental health. That's not helpful for anyone.

That's a mental health problem, she needs help from the GP

Well actually my family have recently had what we believe to be Covid and it’s been a very nasty illness. So I say good for her. If she’s happy and it’s no affecting anyone adversely then avoiding this virus seems a good plan.