Friend helped herself to my birthday cake - is she ill or rude?

[Topofthecliffs]

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

Sounds like dementia to me

Sounds like early onset of dementia or Alzheimer’s. If there are family you are close to I would sensitively discuss.

She had not cut the cake already, the guest went and cut herself a wedge before OP cut the cake. READ THE POST FIRST!!!

Knowing this about yourself, wouldn’t you plan ahead and have a snack to tide you over?

My DM had dementia and would do things like this. She helped herself to the DCs Easter Egg one year.

Is there anyone close to her you could alert?

This exactly.

I must be in the minority because if you'd had all the fuss (a band playing happy birthday!) and had blown out the candles, I'd say the cake was then available for eating, no?
I'm not sure what you mean by "hacking" the cake either- Do you mean she cut the cake, or did she actually hack it into pieces?
I think my experience of birthday parties must be a lot more laid back than yours. I thought you were going to say she took a slice before you blew the candles!

@KimHwn

she more or less did.

I don't think asking about the buffet being served was that odd - she may have missed / misremembered the timings you published and 8pm is relatively late for dinner if you haven't planned for it throughout the day.

The wider behaviour is a little odd but I would agree it could indicate a health issue, especially as she is older and you've suggested a change in her behaviour. If it were something like uncontrolled diabetes I could totally understand her behaviour around food. Either way, I would be inclined to be sympathetic and see if she needs help rather than confronting or criticising her in any way.

I’m not sure where the confusion is; OP was really clear about the cake being untouched before SF cut in. I think 8pm is standard evening buffet time and I have never seen anyone help themselves to the celebration cake. Buffet cakes, but not the clear celebration cake. Odd behaviour- possible reasons behind it, but odd nonetheless.

She’d had the buffet by then

Really don't understand how grown adults can't cope with a change to their routine.

"I eat around 6."

No, you normally eat around six. But you're going to a party where things will be slightly different. So maybe have a little snack at six to tide you over??

8 is not late to serve food. Different cultures, environments, families, occasions serve food at different times. Who has managed to become an older person without figuring this out?

I don’t think you’re in the minority.

Less.

As she didn't do that.

@WitchesofPainswick yeah surely there are times when you don’t eat at 6pm because you’re out and about doing other stuff?

I agree.

But she didn't. The accepted social norm in this country is singing happy birthday, blow out candles, eat the cake. Which is what happened! Cutting the cake isn't a significant moment at a birthday, only at weddings.

Some people are really funny about food. Dh's grandfather grew up in a large family when times were hard. He'd gobble his food down then start on other people's. Not dementia, as he'd done it all his life. Dh said it was because he'd had to fight for his food when growing up in poverty and hardship.

@MasterBeth

she did, it was clear the cake was for Op to cut. You don’t just wonder up to a big celebration cake and just hack a piece off when you feel like it!! You just wait and see what the situation is I.e what the host wants to do.

I think the problem with this thread is how it's framed: is she ill or was she rude.

Was she rude? In the sense that she acted against social norms, yes (though really it was pretty mild and undamaging stuff). So you have people coming on, especially if they haven't made it to the end of the long first post, saying yes, obviously she was rude.

But the question really is, does her "rudeness" suggest she's ill. Yes. Yes it does. So if you can tell us a little more about her circumstances, OP, there seem to be a good few people here who could advise on next steps. A little awkwardness at your birthday party will be a small price to pay if your concern for your friend gets her on medication earlier, or helps you to support her with company and reassurance when you can.

I'm a bit confused about why your coffees keep arriving separately. Presumably you're friends and ordering together, or if not, you could let her order first, knowing that she is displaying signs that, for whatever reason, she finds it really hard to wait to consume something when its visible and in front of her? My experience with cake is the same as yours- the host cuts and either delegates someone to cut up the cake and hand it out/ place on napkins, or does so themselves. However, everyone is brought up differently and this may not be a norm for her. As for being impatient about the food, I seem to be a rarity in that I'll eat normally before going out to eat. So many of my friends seem to think its appropriate to hold off of eating ahead of an event with food (presumably calorie related) and are ravenous by the time food is served. Your guest did seem to allude to speaking on behalf of herself and others, so perhaps your circle are a bit like mine. Alternatively, for whatever reason she was truly struggling with seeing the food visible and not being able to eat and took other guests' chit chat of "oh yes, I am ravenous " to mean that they would also appreciate earlier access to food. Ultimately, you either like her and accept she has her quirks or you don't and her lack of etiquette becomes the deciding factor.

My family member had frontal lobe dementia and became very insistent around food, particularly sweet things. We had to stop them grabbing at stuff in shops as things progressed.

Gosh I have to admit I did not know birthdays were like weddings and there is an official cutting of the cake by the birthday person 😅

I don’t’t Think I would have helped myself though

but still 😁

This

My mother has become like this in her old age. She is 73. Definitely cognitive decline in her case, she has had a stroke too though. We all went for dinner for my nephew’s birthday recently and i’d made him a brownie stack - think large pile of different flavour brownies decorated with sweets and drizzled chocolate etc, topped with a happy birthday sign and candles. Mum decided to help herself to the top most brownie before we’d even done the candles. I told her off and got her to put it back, and gave it back to her after the happy birthdays etc. she is losing all social skills and is coming across as ruder and more insensitive. Two weeks after DH’s father died suddenly after a short and brutal fight with pancreatic cancer - she asked if DH was ‘over it yet’. She has never been great with other people, but now she is worse than ever. It wouldn’t be so bad if she was completely oblivious, but she gets upset and offended when people don’t like her or the things she says. She’s in an assisted living facility and is convinced all the neighbours are out to het her, but has no idea of how she comes across at all.