Friend helped herself to my birthday cake - is she ill or rude?

[Topofthecliffs]

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

UANBU. Poor woman. People will comment and judge her unkindly because her behaviour is anti social

@Marmalade71 wonder if the friend likes op either and just went for the food......

Surely she wasn't hungry when the cake was about to be cut as she'd already been eating the buffet.

No it's not acceptable to be 'selfish and naughty' because you're getting old; how patronising. I'm 76 I haven't suddenly turned into some sort of funny little 'naughty' child I'm a grown woman and I'm perfectly capable of conducting myself in an acceptable manner in public.

Is 8pm really so incredibly late to eat that people can't control themselves and wait for the food to be served.

It does sound as if there might be some cognitive decline with this woman OP if this is a change in behaviour.

If it's a buffet, we've just sung happy birthday, and the hostess has left a knife by the cake, I might make that mistake, I suppose. These situations aren't always easy to read. I hope she and everyone enjoyed the party. I really don't see the big deal, apart from the question about the friend's health.

Possibly both. But I'm veeri h on rude. I would have asked her why she was cutting the cake?

This is certainly also possible 😀

8pm is not late for food at a party!! Not unless you’re like 5 years old anyway.

and providing you’re not ill in some way.
, if you are a bit hungry….so?? Suck it up. Food is on the way. Deal with it.

Totally agree!

I have an elderly father, as does DH. This is exactly the way they would behave as they got older. Our Mum's (both passed) would have never done it though. We call it losing your filter. Both our Dad's seem to have zero filter left in what they do and what they say. It's quite bizarre, but from what I can gather quite common.

It’s more than a bit socially awkward to cut into someone else’s birthday cake and make off with a chunk before the birthday girl has made the first incision herself. She’d already eaten some of the main buffet food as cake is served afterwards (going on OP’s timeline), so it wasn’t because she was hungry.

She sounds very strange and I’d definitely be thinking it’s mental health/cognitive decline given her age, rather than an ordinary social faux pas.

I’d point out her odd behaviour to her and see what she says. Does she acknowledge that she gets it wrong sometimes?

Unless she lives with a partner that you can talk to about it, I’m not sure how you can help her?

I hate to say it, and I’m early sixties myself, but I’ve noticed a bit of a trend with some older people and a food fixation. My MIL and mother both always got “anxious” about when they were next going to eat, what arrangements had been made, ant what time and what there was going to be available. If their food wasn’t in the table quickly enough, either in my house or in a restaurant, they wouldn’t hesitate to grumble.

Neither of them was very good at waiting and I remember cringing on many occasions where they would either help themselves without asking from my plate (I’ve always been a slow eater) or even worse, help themselves to seconds when others hadn’t finished their first helpings!

My MIL would certainly have tucked into a cake on a buffet exactly like this without a second thought. Her view was if it’s put, it’s there to be eaten!

@pinknailvarnish1 Yes, losing their filter is exactly how we described it!

From just this scenario it could be either or. Although it seems obvious to most people that you don't cut someone else's cake, there are lots of things where someone might somehow not know what seems obvious to others - whether due to age, different background, communication issues, things like autism, cultural traditions etc.

There was a huge social media thing a year or two ago where a guest cut the wedding cake. The guest was in her twenties so no possible dementia there or other issues - she just had never been to a wedding before as an adult and didn't know there was usually a ceremony around cake cutting.

However from the other examples given - increased anxiety around food, particularly taking someone else's if it gets delivered to the table first even if it wasn't what she ordered - surely you can tell that's not normal, and very unlikely to just be "greed?"

Definitely sounds like some sort of cognitive decline to me, which ties in with her age (which just before the mn massive attack OBVIOUSLY doesn't mean everyone 70plus has dementia, just that if it is going to develop that's a common age).

I agree with the pp that given you're describing someone with likely MH issues as a greedy toddler and complaining about her on a public forum for something as ultimately insignificant as cutting a birthday cake ten seconds before it was going to be cut anyway, you're probably not the right person to be discussing it with her, but hopefully there is a slightly kinder family member that can start looking into how to help.

I think taking other people's drinks order and helping herself to the first slice of a birthday cake, plus a general change in behaviour, do seem like potential cognitive decline, and that you should act carefully and with compassion. Think of it this way - it is far worse to be harsh with someone who is ill than compassionate with someone who is not.

That's beautifully put

@dizzydizzydizzy

are you not still at work at 5pm though?

sorry just edited as just seen you’re not working atm. Surely though you must realise that most adults will not be thinking of serving food at 5pm? Or even 6pm

I’m a doctor and if the irritability/abruptness is new plus there is new disinhibited behaviour (i.e. failing to observe social norms and behaving in a way that would seem inappropriate) then I would be concerned that this is the early stages of dementia. People traditionally associate dementia with simple forgetfulness but it’s actually a lot more complex than that.

Does she have any family or close friends that you could perhaps have a quiet word with to see if they’ve noticed anything out of the ordinary? Does she live with anyone?

Generally people with dementia lack the insight to realise how their behaviour is affecting other people - they’re not intentionally trying to offend. Many of them would actually be mortified if they could see themselves, it’s incredibly sad.

When my late Dad had alzheimers he started eating excessively, he just didn't seem to know when to stop/ Presumably the part of his brain that regulates that ort of thing was damaged. My Mum had to hide food or he'd have eaten himself sick. Sometimes we'd come down in the morning and find he'd been up in the night and taken all the food from the cupboards put in on the itchen floor and sat eating his way through it. he once happily munched his way through a bowl of birdseed (I think he thought it was muesli).

Anyway since this seems to be a new behaviour, I'd lean towards it being a medical issue. I can well imagine my Dad stealing someone elses coffee (and definitely their cake !).

The only thing about it that's really a big deal is that she thinks it's unusual behaviour for her friend - but has somehow defaulted to her being rude. She's alluded to ongoing anxiety issues but hasn't bothered to actually speak to her friend about it, more concerned with a lack of manners. And some people are been downright vicious about the woman, over a slice of cake. It's totally unnecessary.

Lack of inhibition like you describe OP and a desire to cram food into the mouth/have a very full mouth are both potential signs of cognitive decline.

I voted YABU but not because I think she’s ill.

Unless it was your wedding cake, I think you’re being unnecessarily precious about a cake that was either already cut, or about to be cut.

Yes of course I realise that most adults are not having dinner at 5pm. Knowing that does not make it easier to adjust to a meal several hours later. I’m autistic and routine is a big deal to me. It is literally part of the diagnostic criteria.

She sounds socially inept 🙄

Regardless of weather or not 8 is late to serve food (as other people have commented) or the cake was already sliced, it sounds as though she was lacking in basic social etiquette, which from what ai understand does sound out of the ordinary for her? This would make me think weather or not she is starting with some sort of cognitive decline, as hurrying the host for food, and helping yourself to the cake is quite rude (i’ve certainly never experienced anyone doing it at parties we have hosted and would never dream of doing it myself!)

My SIL has become very impatient about food, and may well have done this, since she has developed early onset Alzheimer’s. I really hope it isn’t that.

If this is new behaviour then maybe she has dementia?