Friend helped herself to my birthday cake - is she ill or rude?

[Topofthecliffs]

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

Well a lot of posters on this thread say that it WOULD NOT be clear to them in this case, so it's understandable that it wouldn't be clear to the OP's friend either. I completely get that to you, it feels rude and bad etiquette, but that isn't true for all of us.

I’d be concerned about early onset dementia - it can lead to becoming rude, aggressive and uninhibited. If it had always been the way she’d behaved I’d say rude or ASD, but if this is worsening I’d be genuinely concerned. Has she got family you can raise it with?

@Wouldhavebeenawildchild i eat before the kind of events too

i don’t trust food to turn up on time or in sufficient quantity and it means I can relax and socialise and do not need to mob tge waiters with the canapés 😄

How bizarre people say 8pm is too late to eat - sounds like it was a proper evening event so you’re hardly going to feed everyone at 5pm!

Not really - I can't sleep if I eat later. Husband is the same! We just sit up all night with indigestion. But if I'm with people, I just pick and pretend to eat - no one gives a shit about other people's eating habits.

Or snaffle a big chunk of birthday cake 😁

@KimHwn

if it’s at all unclear you just wait, and see what the host does and take their lead. Better to wait for cake than make a faux pas. No one is hungry at that point as they had had a buffet.

Not really.

The ritual behaviour around a birthday cake is the singing of Happy Birthday and blowing out the candles. Everyone claps and you make a wish and it's done.

Cutting a birthday cake is the practical aftermath. There's no ceremony in it.

So, no, it's not the done thing to dive in yourself and do it but it's not in the same league as doing so before the candles are lit.

totally agree with this! 8pm is by no means late to serve a buffet at an evening party which includes live music and dancing!

If a party doesn’t start until 7pm, common sense would indicate that you won’t be welcomed at the door with a plate, people will still be arriving in that 1st hour! Adults can choose to eat before them come, if they can’t last that long!

I would if I decided to go. But a very late meal would put me off. I’m not keen on parties in general (also due to autism), so due to both of these points, I quite likely wouldn’t even go.

How is it late if the time was planned?You have something to eat before you go if you think you need it.

@MasterBeth

i still wouldn’t ever be the first one to cut a cake. Even if I really fancied it, I would wait until the host did it or it had been confirmed what the host wanted to do.

Well, me neither, but that wasn't your point.

It’s rude you invited people to a party at 7pm - a time when people normally would be eating an evening meal - and then making then wait until 8pm for a cold buffet.

People would have not spoiled it by eating an evening meal before they came.

She is rude, but so are you.

Could she be autistic from what you say about social awkwardness and highly educated? Not to generalise or offend anyone but maybe some of her previously 'masked' behaviours, compulsions, impatience are more apparent as she ages (just as it can with many of us!)?

People are perfectly within their rights to decline.

Dementia. Classic case.

A load of people on this thread are not safe to be left around birthday cakes - might not invite you lot to my birthday bash this year…..

I know people that age that eat really early in the day (like lunch at 12, dinner at 430) and seem to have to stick with to it or get super hungry. So maybe her blood sugar was super low.

You’d need to have it early anyway……

SF probably has got some form of dementia starting I've seen it in older family members who acted in much the same way. I really don't think 8pm is late to serve food, it's a cold buffet at an evening party not a set meal, everyone invited would have known that and should had their tea before arrival.
It's more common in my family to serve a buffet at a party at 10pm, although I think 8pm is a much better time, people can enjoy the food before they've had too much to drink then can't they.

the buffet was already out op said so it wasnt to do with being hungry

A time when you would be eating an evening meal.

Why do assume everyone else behaves like you, or is unable to wait until a little later to eat?

If this is a new odd behaviour it could be the start of dementia. The early signs start years before the person is no longer able to look after themselves.

I completely agree. Some years ago my aunt started behaving in a very similar way, you might say she lost her filters I guess and some of her habits became quite unpleasant socially. Very soon she was diagnosed as having dementia.