Friend helped herself to my birthday cake - is she ill or rude?

[Topofthecliffs]

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

you are saying recently which to me is a red flag for illness. Not sure what you can do about it though. Do you know any of her family?

And it's clear in op that self indulgent greedy one, hacked away at the cake before op.
The buffet would likely still be available so not hunger.
Just as with other people's orders in restaurants/cafes, she knows what she wants and takes it, regardless of others.

No, it’s not. You can be naughty and selfish but don’t complain when no one invites you anywhere.

Lovely post x

Not everyone is that stuck up, thankfully. 😆

Gosh, I don’t think 8pm is later to serve a buffet at a party! I’m getting on a bit (66) but still go out quite a lot for meals which are often booked at 8pm. At a party like the OP described with a band, I would not expect the food to be served as soon as I arrived.

A 7pm start time means folk will arrive between 7 and 7.30, then be happy yo chat to friends, have a welcome drink and listen to the music for an hour or two. I’d he happy to have the buffet at around 9pm when the band have a break with the dancing then continuing until 11ish. The main event of the party is to celebrate something, not to have a full meal.

Knowing that I was going to a party or out for an evening meal, I might have my lunch a bit later so as not be be too hungry in the early evening.

I do tend to eat late now that I’m retired as my day starts much later than when I was working, it was 8pm last night when I had my tea!

It’s the people who think they should be allowed to be ‘selfish and naughty’ that are stuck up.

And for the sake of the others who haven't read the thread it is recent behaviour.

I'd be very concerned about her if she was my friend.

Your birthday party was also a charity fundraiser?

If she was my friend then I would be doing something proactive to see if she needed support or, you know, an actual friend. Not posting on Mumsnet to see how many people could slag her off as greedy, selfish, a complete bitch etc., etc.

But I guess I have different standards of friendship.

Having read your post again OP, I think the red flags have been clear for a while.

How well do you know her family/ friends? Might be worth having a chat with them?

While her behaviour probably isn’t socially acceptable on the face of it, deep down, an illness may be brewing?

I am 72. In our day autistic spectrum disorders were rarely spotted, especially in females, unless they coincided with severe learning and/or behavioural problems. Intelligent people learned to mask and kind of fit in, often by excelling at academic stuff. This could be a reason for her "odd" behaviour. Perhaps if she has now retired, she is masking less, and one of her behaviours is a greed for food. I would accept that is how she is, but perhaps (if you can, depending how good a friend she is) you could gently say, if she takes someone else's order, that it's not very polite, reminding her of social niceties. Another possibility is that she is displaying signs of early dementia or Parkinsonism, which both can cause obsessive behaviour. Just keep a close eye on your cake!!!

A family member became very odd around food at early stages of dementia, eating a whole plate of cakes that were served for guests for example which progressed as their dementia did to just taking food off others plates. They were a very generous, proper and kind person before this and would have been unthinkable for them.

I would talk to a family member if you can. Dementia can be slowed now with medication.

@ Gosh, I hope she isn’t due to go to any weddings in the near future!

Even if you're hungry, a competent adult should be able to hold off from hassling people about food and diving in early. Especially as it was made clear in advance when the food would be.Sounds like a case of issues with impulse control.

Or a child’s birthday party.

My lovely auntie went like this…. It was dementia bless her x

Someone cut and served our wedding cake while we where out taking pictures, (this was after dinner too so no one should have been hungry). We came in and most of it was gone.

Never even found out who it was that did it but it wasn't the venue (which makes sense why would they but apparently someone had told them we had asked for a knife, we weren't even their).

It even had a big 'do not touch' sign on (chef put the sign there, I thought it was over kill but apparently people DO need to be told and yet still did it anyway).

I am actually diagnosed with ADHD and autism and don’t do this (yet!) but I would be incredibly fed up with waiting so long for food as I normally eat about 5. In fact it would probably put me off going to the party in the first place. If you think you have ADHD, it’s highly worth getting a diagnosis - I didn’t think I would bother taking the medication since I’m neither working nor studying but it has been life changing.

UANBU. Poor woman. People will comment and judge her unkindly because her behaviour is anti social

Reading your update after my 1st reply - maybe she thought as been sung happy birthday it was help yourself

she didn’t know you were going to get napkins

Especially as you put out a knife by it

All the 'it's fine ' posters . Would you go up to the cake at a celebration at hack away at it, even when.theres other food?

She does sound rude, but I also feel sorry for her because she’s been invited to a party where, in truth, the host doesn’t like her. You speak with no kindness or concern about her. Maybe that’s not a fair reflection of your feelings but it’s the way your OP reads. FWIW I suspect a degree of quirky behaviour has always been there and it’s getting more pronounced in old age. But honestly, if you don’t like her, and don’t care about her, stop inviting her to things