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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend helped herself to my birthday cake - is she ill or rude?

503 replies

Topofthecliffs · 01/09/2025 09:04

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

OP posts:
HarrietBond · 01/09/2025 14:08

Tartantotty · 01/09/2025 14:05

Is she overweight? If so, could just be greed and lack of social graces.
Otherwise, as suggested, could be a mental issue.

Speak to her in a jokey way about it - 'you always seem super hungry X are you not eating a decent breakfast?'....

Seriously???

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 01/09/2025 14:12

I can't imagine going to someone else's birthday party and cutting myself a slice of her birthday cake. I don't understand those who are minimising it. It's incredibly rude. I think, like many on the thread, that there's something going on with her. How, or even if, you tackle it, I don't know, but it is bizarre

EmmaMaria · 01/09/2025 14:15

Well, I don't know whether to wish living until your 70's on posters, or to not wish it on them. These days the chances are that most people will. I hope you all have better friends with more compassion than most of you, including the OP.

RampantIvy · 01/09/2025 14:15

JacquelineHigh · 01/09/2025 12:58

But the whole point is that OP HADN'T CUT THE CAKE (and this has been clarified numerous times)

Show quote history

Poor reading comprehension yet again, or posters who CBA to select see all on the OP's first post.

Frustrating isn't it.

jamontoast2 · 01/09/2025 14:16

To me this makes me worry about fronto-temporal dementia (FTD). That typically starts at age 45-65 so she’s maybe a bit old for it, but a classic symptom is a pre-occupation with food, especially sweet and high calorie food. This can be accompanied by food hoarding and stealing food from other people’s plates, similar to what you have described. FTD is also with behaviour changes such as impulsivity, acting inappropriately, and appearing selfish or unsympathetic. I think it’s something to consider if you’ve noticed a change in her behaviour over recent years. It can start slowly.

Kurkara · 01/09/2025 14:20

You need a more thorough, and more clearly directive, invite / running sheet.
Something like:
7pm - 7.08pm Guests arrive
8pm Buffet served
8.45pm The band plays happy birthday, guests sing, candles &c. &c.
8.47pm I cut the cake and dispense portions of said cake on napkins to guest
Tuts will be tutted in the general direction of non-compliant guests

also, #teamstrangefriend

Original poster
Topofthecliffs · 01/09/2025 14:22

Bikergran · 01/09/2025 11:00

I am 72. In our day autistic spectrum disorders were rarely spotted, especially in females, unless they coincided with severe learning and/or behavioural problems. Intelligent people learned to mask and kind of fit in, often by excelling at academic stuff. This could be a reason for her "odd" behaviour. Perhaps if she has now retired, she is masking less, and one of her behaviours is a greed for food. I would accept that is how she is, but perhaps (if you can, depending how good a friend she is) you could gently say, if she takes someone else's order, that it's not very polite, reminding her of social niceties. Another possibility is that she is displaying signs of early dementia or Parkinsonism, which both can cause obsessive behaviour. Just keep a close eye on your cake!!!

This is very insightful @Bikergran . Thank you. I think this friend has undiagnosed autistic spectrum disorder and has masked throughout her life. She struggles to understand humour and is very literal. She has caused me problems due to her feeling that she should tell everybody “ the truth” which is quite often hurtful. She has been very rude to my DH in the past, which is why I hesitate to call her a friend.
Those who said I seem to dislike her have a valid point. I have distanced myself from her recently as she has been so critical of me and DH. But she was very keen to come to my party, and I like her DH very much so included them both.

The fundraiser aspect was not a paid ticket event. It was simply that I asked people to support a particular charity instead of giving me gifts, and the cake had a big symbol of the charity on top. This was a distraction from my post and irrelevant but I was describing the event.

I am honestly not precious, about the cake or her swiping my coffee. I am just struggling to understand why someone’s behaviour would change over a couple of years. Some of our group have expressed their concerns about her to her DH before, so he is aware. I do think those who suggest early dementia may be right. There are some physical changes that would go along with that too.
Thanks to all who have replied. I am still reading through the comments.

OP posts:
alpacamonstera · 01/09/2025 14:25

ComfortFoodCafe · 01/09/2025 09:06

I dont think she was unwell, sounds like she was hungry. Yabu to wait till nearly 8pm to serve food.

So if you were really hungry at an event/party you'd just help yourself to the cake would you? Doubtful.

If it's out of character there could be something going on with her mental health. Dementia can change people's personalities and impulses quite a lot.

Original poster
Topofthecliffs · 01/09/2025 14:29

Sporadica · 01/09/2025 13:58

Your disdain and dislike for this person absolutely shine through your post, especially contrasted to your feelings for the other guests, who are your friends. I don't know if your feelings for her have become negative because of her behaviour at your party (and perhaps before that), or if you just dislike her. If you're her closest friend and she has no family, then ask yourself if you're still the right person to help her, and if so see if you can put aside your antipathy for her and talk to her privately and seriously about what you've observed. If not - everyone else at the party saw what you saw, although they might have been less focused on what happened to the cake. Let her real friends and loved ones help her, and don't invite her again as it's really not fair when she's not welcome.

This is really helpful and MN at its most useful. I need calling out on this as I invited her under sufferance and was expecting her to behave oddly. I will reappraise my dealings with her and try to be kinder and more compassionate as I am increasingly convinced she is unwell. I think her DH is aware as several of our group have approached him with their concerns.

OP posts:
YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 01/09/2025 14:33

My Mum has recently gone like this. She's so impatient if she has to wait for things.

We went to visit a garden recently. There is one counter/till where you pay for admission to the garden, place cafe orders and buy things from the gift shop. When we got there, someone was already at the counter ordering sandwiches.

She was huffing and puffing about how ridiculous it was and how there should be more tills and why we shouldn't have to wait while people faffed about with sandwich orders. It was so embarrassing.

We only had to wait a couple of minutes, so it's not like we were standing there for hours.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 01/09/2025 14:38

It sounds very typical of someone with frontotemporal dementia.

I had a friend like this. For the last year of her life, she had no self-awareness over food, particularly.

We went out with a group to afternoon tea, and she filled her handbag with cakes and sandwiches before we left. It wasn't because she hadn't got enough money, either. It was a complete lack of the usual social norms which stop us from doing such things.

Original poster
Topofthecliffs · 01/09/2025 14:51

KimHwn · 01/09/2025 11:44

I must be in the minority because if you'd had all the fuss (a band playing happy birthday!) and had blown out the candles, I'd say the cake was then available for eating, no?
I'm not sure what you mean by "hacking" the cake either- Do you mean she cut the cake, or did she actually hack it into pieces?
I think my experience of birthday parties must be a lot more laid back than yours. I thought you were going to say she took a slice before you blew the candles!

To clarify the “hacking”: I had inserted the knife into the square cake and made a wish. I then removed the knife and turned round for about thirty seconds before starting to cut the cake into rectangular slices. SF had cut a big triangular wedge out of the cake which threw me slightly as it was so unexpected. I didn’t comment but simply cut the cake up and handed it round. It was afterwards I started to ponder whether this unusual behaviour was a red flag for illness. Hence my post.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/09/2025 14:51

Pherian · 01/09/2025 12:07

It’s rude you invited people to a party at 7pm - a time when people normally would be eating an evening meal - and then making then wait until 8pm for a cold buffet.

People would have not spoiled it by eating an evening meal before they came.

She is rude, but so are you.

Show quote history

People knew the timings of the event in advance, @Pherian - they could have declined the invitation, or had a snack before arriving, as previous posters had suggested.

MyCoralHedgehog · 01/09/2025 14:54

iloveeverykindofcat · 01/09/2025 13:35

This sort of thing was one of the first signs of cognitive decline for my relative in her 70s - increasingly unable to wait for anything, including (especially) food. Then came losing and mixing up words, then forgetting when things were happening.

I agree. Mums dementia started in little ways like this

Leilaandtheloggerheads · 01/09/2025 14:57

JacquelineHigh · 01/09/2025 12:58

But the whole point is that OP HADN'T CUT THE CAKE (and this has been clarified numerous times)

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That wasn’t overly clear in the OP

and…. makes no difference whatsoever! In fact, that’s even weirder!! If you’re making a scene of cutting a cake then you blow out the candles, pick up a knife and then make the obligatory and pointless single cut into the cake. Everyone cheers for no reason, then the cake is cut up to eat while everyone goes back about their business.

You don’t pick up the knife then wander off to look for napkins to cut slices into! If you’re not making the daft “knife scene” at all, and are genuinely just going to cut the cake into bits with no one watching then who gives a rats ass whether you cut it or a guest?!

If anything that’s makes it more of a none issue!!

zingally · 01/09/2025 14:58

Why are you friends with this woman you clearly don't like?

If this strangeness around food is a relatively new thing, I'd be looking out for other signs of dementia.
Looking back, misunderstandings around food was one of the first signs of dementia in my grandma.

My grandpa had to follow her around the supermarket while she did the food shop, because she'd get confused about what things were/buy the wrong thing, even though she was adamant that she'd done the weekly shop for 60 years and of course she knew how to do it.

Leilaandtheloggerheads · 01/09/2025 14:59

@JacquelineHigh actually, just seen that OP has clarified that she HAD cut the cake, so you’re indignant shouty capital were pointless and wrong.

Catpuss66 · 01/09/2025 14:59

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 01/09/2025 14:02

Would the massive pile of buffet food she'd already demanded she be served early not have helped?

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She may have demanded the food to start with because she was hypo, I wasn’t talking really about the cake I was trying to say that maybe why she has a problem with her personality. Just a thought, wait until you get to 70 see how you fair, kindness & empathy costs nothing.

JacquelineHigh · 01/09/2025 15:00

@Leilaandtheloggerheads

It’s perfectly clear in the OP. Can you quote the part that says the cake was cut?

Original poster
Topofthecliffs · 01/09/2025 15:02

housethatbuiltme · 01/09/2025 11:05

Someone cut and served our wedding cake while we where out taking pictures, (this was after dinner too so no one should have been hungry). We came in and most of it was gone.

Never even found out who it was that did it but it wasn't the venue (which makes sense why would they but apparently someone had told them we had asked for a knife, we weren't even their).

It even had a big 'do not touch' sign on (chef put the sign there, I thought it was over kill but apparently people DO need to be told and yet still did it anyway).

That is astonishing! Who do you suspect did that? I would be hunting them down 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Topofthecliffs · 01/09/2025 15:06

Dweetfidilove · 01/09/2025 10:16

It's a buffet, so she helped herself. Poor thing was probably starving, and having paid for the privilege, helped herself to some cake.
The birthday rituals being complete and all ...

Nobody paid for the privilege! I provided all the food and a free bar. The fundraiser element was donations for the charity instead of birthday gifts and is irrelevant to the cake issue except that the cake had a massive symbol of the charity on top.

OP posts:
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/09/2025 15:06

Can she afford to buy food? Has she got dementia or similar? Or Diabetes?
I'd be worried about her if she was my friend

Butchyrestingface · 01/09/2025 15:08

Don't think I could be bothered to get upset about this when the cake had already been unveiled, happy birthday sung, and candles blown out. Sure, I'd have waited til the hostess had done the honours but it seems a relatively trivial infraction to me.

I agree that your disdain for this woman shines through your posts.

Also,

I invited all my favourite people

You lost me at this point for some reason. Grin

popcornandpotatoes · 01/09/2025 15:09

PrivateMusic · 01/09/2025 09:31

You don’t help yourself to someone else’s uncut birthday cake. Rude rude rude! And she was rude about serving the buffet too.

Of course you don't! Absolute madness people are arguing this is fine. Imagine if you were at a child's birthday and did that, would that also be fine? If her behaviour is changing all of sudden it sounds like a more serious problem

Coconutter24 · 01/09/2025 15:10

Pherian · 01/09/2025 12:07

It’s rude you invited people to a party at 7pm - a time when people normally would be eating an evening meal - and then making then wait until 8pm for a cold buffet.

People would have not spoiled it by eating an evening meal before they came.

She is rude, but so are you.

Show quote history

Do you know how a party and invitations work? A guest receives an invite and depending on whether it works for them or not they accept or decline the invite. If OP was so rude to host a party that started at 7 with a buffet at 8 then the guests wouldn’t have come. However it’s not rude to host at 7 then a buffet at 8 that’s usually how parties go. Gives everyone a chance to arrive before the buffet is opened. The guests knew what time the buffet was opening so had plenty of time in the day to plan their other meals.