Friend helped herself to my birthday cake - is she ill or rude?

[Topofthecliffs]

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

Is she diabetic? This would explain the increased anxiety around food and the need to know that it is available

I'm not diabetic, but as I've got older my body has become very sensitive to a drop in blood sugar. It presents as anxiety and I start to feel a bit shaky and hot and in a pressing need of something to eat. I've had all the blood tests etc and there's nothing amiss apparently. Just my body telling me I need to eat something. Strangely, I can go 12 hours overnight without this effect - it only happens during the day and it only happens occasionally now I'm wise to it.
If I could see a table full of food and I was feeling peckish I'd be champing at the bit as well.

Maybe neither because this really isn’t a big deal?

She cut and ate a bit of cake from a cake that had been lit, happy birthday sung and a big knife was left by it? Who cares that it was “pristine” before she cut it? It was there to be cut and eaten was it not?

You were all “astonished” by this? Really? It’s not the absolute height of manners but it takes more than this to astonish me personally.

I wonder if so many excuses would have been made for a man doing the same thing?

I would say that showing any reaction to such a small faux pas would be pretty rude. If people were staring, sneering, exchanging glances, raising eyebrows etc, that's rude. If they caught up afterwards to share their astonishment, okay, that's not rude, but it's strange. I wonder what sort of bubbles people would need to live in for this to be a remarkable event?

This sort of thing was one of the first signs of cognitive decline for my relative in her 70s - increasingly unable to wait for anything, including (especially) food. Then came losing and mixing up words, then forgetting when things were happening.

Lol at everyone missing the point and going on about the buffet being served at 8pm. That's perfectly normal time for an adult party. Otherwise you've got people turning up and just getting settled and starting to dance and then the music etc. going off and everyone eating.amd spoiling the vibe. Also would be awkward with anyone who turns up a little later to the party as they'd miss the food. I'd say it's normal to serve food about an hour into a party.

I think it's really rude that she hacked into your cake. Surely a woman her age knows that's not very good etiquette.

I'd agree with others that she could be starting some kind of mental decline or dementia.

This.

why are you being so precious about a cake that was there for the guests to eat and literally about to be cut up and eaten?

If you have observed that your friend is behaving increasingly oddly in a manner that suggests cognitive decline, why are you accusing her of acting like a “greedy toddler”? Surely the appropriate reaction to that is empathy and concern for your friend and a wonder whether/ how you might help? not fixation on the trivial aspects of ceremony and manners?

I think I'd feel exactly the same about a man doing the same thing. A few people upthread have mentioned their fathers / uncles doing similar at the onset of dementia.

Maybe more to the point, I've volunteered reasonably extensively in care homes and community centres, and there are patterns of behaviour you see among some elderly people of both sexes. I wonder if a lot of people aren't making it to the end of OP's thread where she talks about recent changes as her friend grew older.

I grew up so much with the idea and example that some older people became eccentric and needed a bit of tolerance and kindness that I'm finding this thread quite shocking. Maybe people just don't mix across generations to the same extent any more? I'm finding the thread pretty sad reading.

Oh yes, I'd say as many excuses would have been made. If not more so as women have historically been held to 'thin'/'eat like a bird' ideals.

My take (sorry for the essay):

YANBU to be offended.

It is rude to cut someone else's birthday cake first (IMO).

Having said that, it is possible to get confused and get it wrong without meaning anything by it - either by being unaware of the social norms or by feeling confused and awkward and guessing "I'll have to do it then" and then really embarrassed when it turns out it was not the host's intention. (I know I've made mistakes like this in the past)

Timings shared in advance are fine and people who have specific needs look out for timings and make their own plan in my experience. (However, if this is a new development she may not have developed her own routines yet)

If misunderstandings are growing more common and a new behaviour for someone who has been very aware of that kind of social norm in the past, then it's a sign of change. I find that listening to a friend experiencing change is always a good idea.

It is reasonable to want to work out what is going on and what it all means (to a degree)!

At some point you may have to accept that you cannot know everything about what's going on for your friend, so depending on your relationship you may have to step back.

I agree with other responses that this sounds like some sort of cognitive decline.

A friend had someone like this at his wedding. She was behaving similarly and saying odd things to people. Turned out she had an undetected brain tumour and, sadly, died within the year.

I hope your friend is okay.

I'd hate for this to happen to me and then for my loved ones to only have memories of me behaving in that unpleasant way. I know someone whose father passed a few years ago. He had end stage dementia/didn't talk anymore and his wife was relieved he'd died. His children opted to have his life support stopped.

On reflection, discussing your guest's behaviour with fellow guests or a fellow guest's behaviour with your host is pretty rude too. And much more hurtful than taking a slice of cake a few minutes early.

What? You'd cut into someone else's cake? She said the friend hacked a big slice off. That's not taking something that has been cut already

I went nc with her about 6 months over 'sandwichgate'

She is indeed very fat (and that's to do with low self control) and just downright greedy

Shes the same as your ex flatmate-she just couldn't leave anything she saw as 'hers' alone and would fly into a rage when confronted

I was brought up by my grandad as a child and had saved my pocket money up to buy him a Mars bar (God knows why as he preferred yorkies,but child logic was at play here) and if left it on top of the microwave overnight at my parents

Ill give a prize to the person who guessed correctly who scoffed it

Cue a ton of tears and wails of 'you said I could eat it!' (Lies,it was for grandad,not her greedy gob)

I got into trouble for 'lying' and kicking off when I pointed out her lies

Ditto mints for when I went horse riding and had bought them mints out of my own money and shed eaten them when I went for them and Easter eggs/christmas treats/birthday treats and any other goodies

Some people are just nasty fuckers and some of them are mothers-you learn you can't trust and it's left issues years later

Thank you for your kind words-ive just burst into tears at your post as its exactly how it is,so hope you can forgive any typos

????
What does more or less mean to you?
Because the way you've used it makes no sense
Op had already blown out the candles therefore her friend did not and could not have cut the cake before the candles were blown out. Not more, not less, not at all! * *

Is she related to you-I mean, does she perhaps think 'different rules for family'?

What does this even mean?

I'm not sure if the cake had already been sliced up. The OP says she got out a knife to cut the cake and also went to fetch some napkins - it isn't clear if she'd actually got round to cutting the cake before the SF decided she would hack a big bit off. At least, that's how I'm reading it (or I could be entirely wrong).

If the cake hadn't yet been cut then that behaviour is either mental issues or just plain, bloody rude. Difficult to know whether the SF's impulse control is breaking down or if she's one of those people who think that old age excuses anything so they push their luck (and I've known a few of those!)

Your disdain and dislike for this person absolutely shine through your post, especially contrasted to your feelings for the other guests, who are your friends. I don't know if your feelings for her have become negative because of her behaviour at your party (and perhaps before that), or if you just dislike her. If you're her closest friend and she has no family, then ask yourself if you're still the right person to help her, and if so see if you can put aside your antipathy for her and talk to her privately and seriously about what you've observed. If not - everyone else at the party saw what you saw, although they might have been less focused on what happened to the cake. Let her real friends and loved ones help her, and don't invite her again as it's really not fair when she's not welcome.

We are now in the midst of dementia with DM. It is an utter bastard of a disease. It robs you of the person they were. It robs them of the comfort of family.

It isn't simply failing memory. Different parts of the brain can be damaged. This can affect sight, taste, social behaviour, the list is endless.

She's lucky to have you in her life

Would the massive pile of buffet food she'd already demanded she be served early not have helped?

Is she overweight? If so, could just be greed and lack of social graces.
Otherwise, as suggested, could be a mental issue.

Speak to her in a jokey way about it - 'you always seem super hungry X are you not eating a decent breakfast?'....

Hmm, 70 yr old who's started behaving very oddly, being rude and abrupt, losing their social inhibitions... what could it possibly be 🤔