Friend helped herself to my birthday cake - is she ill or rude?

[Topofthecliffs]

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

I feel like I’m in some parallel universe.

This. You’d cut the cake, what’s the issue?

Taking other people’s orders is unreasonable though.

It's slightly eccentric behaviour, demonstrating a lack of social awareness.....but it's not that deep, and I couldn't imagine getting worked up about it.

When it's the go to response (for some people) to a 45 year old man showing abusive behaviour, it is obviously a ridiculous suggestion, in this case though, it's a perfectly valid possibility

So you expect to be handed a plate of food as you walk in the door?

They didn't ignore it. Read the post. The host opened the buffet early, five minutes after being told that people were hungry.

I don't really understand how grown adults can't manage their own appetite, hunger and metabolism. Who are these "people who eat at 7" that are so rigid in their habits that they can't wait until 8 now and again? Who needs a snack at 7 if they're eating at 8? I might expect this behaviour from children, but not grown ups.

The CF hacked off a huge slice for herself. The cake should be left to the hosts to apportion.

I often come to Mumsnet to read through posts/threads without commenting on anything but your comment moved me to the point I made an account on here just to reply to you.

I hope you have absolutely no contact with such a revolting individual and I'm sorry you had to grow up being 'cared for' by someone who treated you, and all of humanity in this way. You articulated her behaviour so well in your comment, you have a good eye for it and are intelligent enough to convey it. I have also seen these traits in others and accept absolutely zero of those people in my life. I've put up with a lot of bad behaviour where the person has a good heart deep down but this is just awful. I'm surprised other comments in the thread have simply glazed over what is an awful parental figure in your situation.

I lived in shared housing for many years due to unfortunate circumstance and have seen people eat each other's food out of spite, impulsivity, power-dynamics, being under the influence of drugs and alcohol and even had a middle aged male, vocally left wing tenant unpack my grocery shopping and take all of the snacks out of it for himself, he was about 20-30 years my senior at the time and thought I wouldn't notice or wouldn't dare confront such a large man. He wrote "Do not drink" on his own drinks and would take all of everyone else's things and share none of his own. I don't mind sharing food/resources here and there but people who behave like your Mother did with you and like the OP's guest did with her and like that man in the previous shared housing situation are just awful human beings.

Leave the losers where they belong. Elevate yourself and your life. In the grand scheme of things most food costs a pittance and most of us carry too much weight/fat anyway. People who behave like these will end up where they deserve as people won't want to be around them for them being malignant and selfish and refusing to adhere to social norms because they want the world to fit around their needs because to them, they are all who matters.

Yes and the solution is, just don’t go. No one is forcing anyone to go to these (apparently uncompromising) parties,

That’s fine in your family as people agree to it.

ask yourself would this woman of done the same in at work e.g xmas cake ?

Party buffets are usually at around 9 in my experience so 8 seems early to me. They are just something to soak up the booze. Everyone I know would have eaten some food before they came to the party. It was rude of her to demand the buffet be served and to help herself to cake. Very rude indeed.

Give her a break, she sounds starving poor woman. If a guest came to me saying she was hungry I would get her some food not make her wait until it was served. She is older so eating and food becomes much more difficult. 8pm is very late to eat for an older person who may have been up since 5am. And if it is the start of cognitive decline, a little compassion wouldn’t go amiss.

But the whole point is that OP HADN'T CUT THE CAKE (and this has been clarified numerous times)

Why would you assume that eating food is more difficult for older people? All of them?

No it's not at all it started at 7pm. I would usually expect at least an hour-hour 1/2 after the start of a party to eat. Plus in would never go to a party without having anything to eat before.

How was she "starving" if she had already eaten food from the buffet?

I've never been to any event where a celebration cake is involved where people are invited to help themselves to it before it's cut, but it seems that an awful lot of posters on here have.

So I've got a question. What happens when the first crowd of people at the party cut themselves huge chunks of cake until it's all gone and then the rest of the people don't get any birthday cake? Would these people saying it's ok to help yourself be happy if they were among the people not getting any cake?

This is why, when celebration cakes are involved they are usually removed after the singing or whatever and cut up so everyone in the room can have a piece. That's why they're usually quite large.

Otherwise you might just as well have a small cake, which is much cheaper, and let the first half dozen people help themselves, and it's hard luck for the rest of the people in the room who didn't manage to grab a piece.

I think you're annoyed because she'd already irritated you by nagging for food to be served earlier - 8pm might be late to some but not when you've already published the timetable so people can make any necessary adjustments i.e. have a snack at 6 before arriving. Maybe she didn't read it or disapproved of it and was letting you know.

The cake thing in isolation isn't too bad. A bit crass and ill mannered to not wait to be served like everyone else and hacking off a huge slice when you were trying to portion it so everyone would get some. But otherwise ... happy birthday was sung, cake was cut and in the process of being sliced into portions so it really was no longer "pristine" and had become the next course of food rather than decor.

I've seen far worse - a child grabbing a fistful of icing off the top of a cake while happy birthday was still being sung and at my friends 50th some drunk guests started eating the cake before HB/candles lit and thought it hilarious. Their excuse was that it was positioned at the end of their table and "looked nice". FFS.

Sorry I just re-read the OP and realised the cake hadnt actually been cut into yet (although that was imminent). She sounds greedy and annoying at first blush but as you've noticed this behaviour ramping up it may be partly cognitive decline as others have suggested.

She might have been hypoglycaemic ask any diabetic they have a personality change when hypo, they even look different, then as their sugars rise they return to normal both in personality & looks.

I'm inclined to agree with this.

It’s outrageously rude behaviour for a guest at a party to cut an uncut celebration cake. Its common practice for it to be cut by the person or persons whose celebration it is.

I agree!! It sounds like a lot of faffing around by the hosts. Why weren’t there plates? Why did the OP go off in search of napkins?

She seems like a rude host.

Again, why is it rude to serve food at 8pm?!

Yes all of them amount of food changes, tolerances changes, taste changes. Having grown up in a residential home how many elderly want pizza or stir fry for their tea? I call it old people food both my mom & dad in their 80’s changed their diet. My mom eats half a portion for one & freezes the other half.

I don't think she had even cut her own cake she put the knife down and went to get napkins.