Friend helped herself to my birthday cake - is she ill or rude?

[Topofthecliffs]

I had a birthday party as a fundraiser for a charity on Saturday. I invited all my favourite people plus a friend who has been behaving oddly and has been rude and abrupt recently.
We had a live band and planned a cold buffet during the interval. Timings were band started at 7pm, supper at 8pm then more music and dancing.
At 7.45pm the strange friend approached DH and told him some people were very hungry and the food should be served now! He explained it would be soon.
I took the covers off the buffet at 7.50pm. She happily dived in and filled a big plateful. At 8.45pm the band played happy birthday, I blew out the candles, and took out a knife to cut the (huge and beautifully decorated) cake. I went to fetch some napkins to serve the slices on. As I turned to the cake I saw SF pick up the knife and hack a big triangular slice for herself from the front. She made off with it to her table. We were all astonished and have been trying to understand why she thought this was appropriate behaviour.
For info she is 70, a highly educated professional, but socially awkward. She has been becoming increasingly impatient and anxious in cafes and hotels at meal times wanting to get in as soon as the doors are open and wanting to be served first. She sometimes takes other people’s orders if they arrive before hers eg a cappuccino
AIBU - yes she is unwell and you should be compassionate - no she was rude and behaving like a greedy toddler.

Nothing wrong with her helping herself to food once the covers were removed. I don't think the cake thing is a big deal either, the singing etc had been done. I'm wondering if you would have invited her if it hadn't been a charity fundraiser - presuming more people in attendance, more money raised potentially - especially as you know how she behaves at social events?

No she isn't. At an evening do the food is often served later. People don't generally sit down and eat straight away at events like this.

If it was clear on the invitations that food would be served at 8 people could always have a snack before they come out.

What rubbish. 8pm is nowhere near too late for adults to eat a buffet.

Particularly as the OP says this -

Topofthecliffs · Today 09:23
To be clear I had published the timings in advance so people knew food was at 8 pm. The cake was pristine until she hacked it.

Absolutely no need for guests to be so demanding and grabby.

I wouldn't be inviting her to anything in future.

You are assuming I behave this way.

I frequently host - and if people are going to be waiting until 8pm to have a meal, then it's polite to have snacks available. Especially if guests are being offered alcohol. They were approached before the incident happened and were told people were hungry - but they ignored it and carried on with their schedule.

Maybe in the future if they plan to host - they will actually host people instead of expecting them to play along in whatever spectacle they were putting on.

I don't think actual birthday (or other celebration cakes) are a free-for-all

They're usually cut and handed round so there's enough for everyone

I wonder if as she gets older she is less able to mask or work around her lack of self awareness. Is she sensitive or can you tell her that she is coming off as rude, and you don't think she is intending rudeness?

I’d have more of a problem with her asking for the food early. The invite said food at 8. A grown woman who knows herself can surely plan ahead and eat a snack beforehand if 8 is too long to wait.

It was rude of her to ask for the food early under the guise of ‘some people’ being hungry. No party host needs to be made to feel like they are getting it wrong or put under pressure when trying to enjoy their evening as planned.

@Pherian

lol 8pm is a perfectly reasonable time to eat! OP made it very clear that was the buffet time and if people couldn’t cope with that they should have stayed home.

Personally, I'd just laugh it off. Really not worth the headspace.

💯

Agree.

Imagine bitching about an elderly person online for something so incredibly petty as. For transparency, I'm not elderly, and have fairly polished social manners and am not defining bad manners, nor do I know the people OP describes in RL, so no bias here. If this guest has actually something going on health wise, this thread is even more grim. Such a bitchy thing to do. Ultimately it's the OP who has terrible manners, going online and slagging off her guests. Not classy @Topofthecliffs .

It does sound as if she's behaving like a greedy toddler over the food..she knew the timings and if she really didn't like the idea of waiting until 8pm to eat she could have had something before the party to fill the gap until the buffet was available. Definitely rude of her to hack into the birthday cake before you'd even started cutting it yourself. Does she have any close relatives at all who could maybe talk to her and get her some help as from your post it sounds this behaviour has only started quite recently and getting help sooner rather than later could benefit her greatly

Its hard to say from this one event but MIL started acting strangely with food as the start of early onset alzheimers. Weirdly portioning food, like two steaks on one persons plate and none on the other and putting them on the table like that, when plating up a meal for the family.

Yes, rude, but sounds like dementia behaviour. She's 70.

Yeah, it's likely cognitive decline.

The behaviour clearly isn't socially acceptable and it is new behaviour, so I would be concerned.

I hope she has people around her who are picking up on this and are looking out for her, instead of moaning about her.

She hadn't cut the cake at the point friend helped herself

This sounds pretty funny tbh, I’d have just laughed it off.

YABU to not serve food or cake until 8pm.

Sorry but I knew I was on your friend's side when I saw "cold buffet" for an evening party. Then they even had to wait an hour for that...

Why?

How many birthday parties have you walked into where the food was served immediately? An hour is not a long time to wait. And a cold buffet is perfectly normal for a party at any time.

Jesus Christ some of these responses are just getting silly. It's like you've all only ever been to royal banquets before and just just your average party with a dancefloor and a finger buffet.

She doesn’t deserve to be the subject of your post today. Very flowery and descriptively written OP, feels like you’re not really that bothered about what happened to be honest as long as it’s all beautifully written and oh so very intriguing. Throw another twist in and you night get a second thread out of it 🙄

Of course she isn't. Don't you go to many parties or evening dos?

It is not at all common to serve food first at events like this.

It is usual for people to have a drink, mingle and maybe have a dance, then have a break for food when the band has a break.

Besides, the OP stated on the invitation what time food would be served. You would be able to eat beforehand at toddler teatime

@AguNwaanyi

who says they were waiting? they’ll have been saying hello, chatting, having a drink, maybe there was some form of entertainment on in the background or whatever. Most people when they go to events are not just focused on the food and counting down the minutes until they can eat

We can’t answer that for you!