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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset that Dad wants to invite unpleasant family to my wedding

105 replies

TheBlueRobin · 31/08/2025 21:43

My dad has kindly offered to contribute financially to our wedding. Mum died three years ago and I'm an only child, so me and Dad are close. We've accepted some of the money he has offered, that basically covers the venue and we pay for everything else. We’re deeply grateful. Our wedding is about 60 people, including around 15 family. Mainly parents, siblings and a few aunts and uncles. I have lots of cousins but won't be inviting them.

Since my mum passed away, I want to invite her siblings; they’re meaningful to me and feel like a connection to her. However, my dad doesn’t get along with them. I also don’t want to invite his side of the family (apart from his sister), as I don’t have a relationship with them and some treated my mum poorly. They also make back handed comments and my Dad never really has anything positive to say about them.

Dad now says that if my mum’s side is invited, he wants his side there too, to avoid family fallout. He’s offered to pay for extra guests so we don’t have to cut friends from the list. I’m torn. Do I accept this compromise for the sake of one day and my dad’s peace of mind? Do I decline the money and risk straining our relationship (also straining our finances)? Or do we elope, even though we genuinely want to celebrate with loved ones and friends?

The wedding is next year and we're at the point of putting deposits down on things as well. We're saving really hard, around £1k a month between us.

YABU - I can see where your Dad is coming from, invite the relatives.
YANBU - Stand your ground, don't invite them

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 01/09/2025 14:13

TheBlueRobin · 01/09/2025 14:09

I was talking about my Mum's family, not my Dad's family. Someone asked me why my Dad didn't like them and what the context was there. The context is, he just has a grudge for no reason.

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Sorry misread that part. But I just think of you're so close to your dad is it worth the fall out of not inviting them and it makes him happy.? Obviously you know your real feelings on the situation and it is your wedding after all

SENMum1727 · 01/09/2025 14:17

If I could do it again I would elope. My parents were asking for this and that and I twisted myself in knots trying to accommodate. In the end I spent £10k on a wedding I didn’t enjoy.

Elope - it’s so much more fun, simple, no pressure and it will be exactly what you want it to be.

autienotnaughty · 01/09/2025 14:32

I wouldn’t be pushed into doing something I didn’t want to do so I’d say to your dad you are sticking to your choices and it’s up to him if he contributes but you need to know before you place any deposits.

outerspacepotato · 01/09/2025 14:44

TheBlueRobin · 01/09/2025 14:09

I was talking about my Mum's family, not my Dad's family. Someone asked me why my Dad didn't like them and what the context was there. The context is, he just has a grudge for no reason.

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So your dad is using your wedding to pay back a grudge he's irrationally carried against your mom's family.

I'd be giving his grudge money back.

SuPollardsPolkaDotFrock · 01/09/2025 14:46

Well it’s not your dads special day so I’d be tempted to return his money and do things your way.

Enrichetta · 01/09/2025 15:03

Seriously, given all the additional information…… just have the wedding YOU and your fiancé want. With or without your dad’s money - your choice.

Or keep it simple and elope.

JustSawJohnny · 01/09/2025 15:25

It's YOUR wedding so only people you feel you & DP have a good relationship with should be there.

Your Dad is being really rather problematic, here. He needs to understand that it's highly inappropriate of hm to make demands re attendees, especially when he is framing it as a 'Mum's family vs his family' issue, and particularly because your Mum has passed!

Really, REALLY poor form.

Could you afford to pay for the whole wedding yourselves? It sounds like his contribution is leading him to feel like he has more of a say than he does.

Lafufufu · 01/09/2025 15:28

Don't accept his money and have the wedding you want.

LimpysGotCancer · 01/09/2025 16:54

Probably focussing on the wrong thing here, but some of these replies are a bit odd.

"Sit them at the back", "stick them in a corner", tell the wait staff to monitor their wine intake (?!?!), that's... not really how it works, is it? Most of the weddings I've been to, 90% of the day is mingling/dancing/standing around, with only an hour or two at the assigned table places. There's no way to stop them making their presence known, especially if they're loud brash drunkards. You can't control, restrict and move people around like dolls.

(And in the standard several-round-tables-in-a-big-room setup, is there really a "back"?)

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 01/09/2025 17:07

LimpysGotCancer · 01/09/2025 16:54

Probably focussing on the wrong thing here, but some of these replies are a bit odd.

"Sit them at the back", "stick them in a corner", tell the wait staff to monitor their wine intake (?!?!), that's... not really how it works, is it? Most of the weddings I've been to, 90% of the day is mingling/dancing/standing around, with only an hour or two at the assigned table places. There's no way to stop them making their presence known, especially if they're loud brash drunkards. You can't control, restrict and move people around like dolls.

(And in the standard several-round-tables-in-a-big-room setup, is there really a "back"?)

Ha that's very true! I actually went to a wedding a few months ago, quite a classy do, where the groom's uncle got up and did this unexpected slightly xenophobic comedy speech where he pretended he was a Spanish waiter writing a love letter to the bride (yep). And then the bride's uncle got drunk and topless quite early into the evening.

I don't think my relatives would do much than get a bit tipsy and make sarky comments but it does make me want to take precaution about who's there ha.

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 01/09/2025 17:11

I'd tell him you will not be inviting people you don't like or want to spend your wedding day with you. If that means he does not want to chip any money in then that is his prerogative and you are happy to accept it.

Make it very clear that his generous offer of money towards a wedding does not mean that he gets any say at all in the arrangements, It's your day.

lizzyBennet08 · 01/09/2025 18:37

Honestly I sucked it up for my wedding and invited people I barely knew but who were important to my dad . My mom pointed out that he had been at their kids wedding and would be embarrassed meeting them in the pub or t family occasions if we didn't have them.
Think I barely spoke to them on the day but my dad was happy which was more important to me in the end I think.

CutFlowers · 01/09/2025 18:50

I think if you don't actively dislike them/think they will spoil the wedding, and they are not causing you to not invite other people you would rather have there, and it is important to your Dad, I would probably invite them.

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 01/09/2025 19:22

CutFlowers · 01/09/2025 18:50

I think if you don't actively dislike them/think they will spoil the wedding, and they are not causing you to not invite other people you would rather have there, and it is important to your Dad, I would probably invite them.

It's a balance isn't it, it's why I described them as unpleasant rather than horrible.

The only one I actively actively really dislike is my Dad's one brother who is a compulsive liar, betrayed my Dad in their business, causing a lot of financial stress when I was growing up. The idea that he would see me get married and not my Mum makes me feel rotten.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 01/09/2025 19:25

I had another chat with my Dad today and stressed very calmly and factually what my views were and why. He made his point again about 'FaMiLy' but also said he wasn't putting conditions on the money and that's not how it meant, he then starting ranting about various grievances with them and resentments from childhood, so it's not as though he thinks they are great people or will add anything positive to the day. Think we cleared the air a bit though.

We're not planning to do invites for a few months so I just said me and my partner would mull it over.

OP posts:
CutFlowers · 01/09/2025 21:19

TheBlueRobin · 01/09/2025 19:22

It's a balance isn't it, it's why I described them as unpleasant rather than horrible.

The only one I actively actively really dislike is my Dad's one brother who is a compulsive liar, betrayed my Dad in their business, causing a lot of financial stress when I was growing up. The idea that he would see me get married and not my Mum makes me feel rotten.

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Sorry about your Mum 💐

Redburnett · 02/09/2025 18:25

I think you should tell him sooner rather than later if you decide not to invite them, so you don't have to go through the same discussion/disagreement etc again. It's good that he isn't using money as a lever.

Newgirls · 02/09/2025 18:30

It seems odd that he wants to invite them as sounds like brother in particular was awful to your dad. I guess if he wants to hold bridges for some reason it’s worth considering. Tho a wedding doesn’t have to be the time to build bridges

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 02/09/2025 20:28

Newgirls · 02/09/2025 18:30

It seems odd that he wants to invite them as sounds like brother in particular was awful to your dad. I guess if he wants to hold bridges for some reason it’s worth considering. Tho a wedding doesn’t have to be the time to build bridges

Yeah it's an odd one. I genuinely think he's trying to be a good/fair sibling, maybe hoping they will be a closer family if he does his bit, but honestly they don't deserve it and haven't always shown him the same support or included him in things. And all in their 60s/70s now

OP posts:
myplace · 02/09/2025 20:36

Did you tell him this?
“ The idea that he would see me get married and not my Mum makes me feel rotten”

carly2803 · 02/09/2025 21:07

elope and save yourself the 1k a month hard saving and go on a nice holiday/put a house deposit down/save for the future

or registry office and a conny club

thebabayaga · 02/09/2025 22:42

TheBlueRobin · 01/09/2025 09:50

"Your dad is ok with their behaviour to his wife , maybe you are a little over sensitive and projecting a little?"

Seriously? Baffled by this comment 🤣🤣

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Yeah, that's a full of shit, full on goad comment you're replying to. Don't invite them. You didn't want them there, it's your wedding. Don't take your dad's money if it comes with any strings at all. Have the lovely wedding day you want with no stresses you don't have to add.

thebabayaga · 02/09/2025 22:44

TheBlueRobin · 02/09/2025 20:28

Yeah it's an odd one. I genuinely think he's trying to be a good/fair sibling, maybe hoping they will be a closer family if he does his bit, but honestly they don't deserve it and haven't always shown him the same support or included him in things. And all in their 60s/70s now

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I think it's just easier on him, as you alluded to earlier. He will get less shit from them and won't have to put up with their bitching and nagging, and you get a crappier wedding and people you don't want there at one of the biggest events of your life. I wouldn't. Up to you, though, obviously.

Empress13 · 02/09/2025 22:48

It’s your wedding end of !

rainbowsparkle28 · 02/09/2025 22:58

You don’t let them come, and if that means not getting the additional money then so be it. It is your day, yours and your spouse to be. No one else’s and you deserve to have it surrounded just by those you choose and want to be there and bring you joy and happiness.