Upset that Dad wants to invite unpleasant family to my wedding

[TheBlueRobin]

My dad has kindly offered to contribute financially to our wedding. Mum died three years ago and I'm an only child, so me and Dad are close. We've accepted some of the money he has offered, that basically covers the venue and we pay for everything else. We’re deeply grateful. Our wedding is about 60 people, including around 15 family. Mainly parents, siblings and a few aunts and uncles. I have lots of cousins but won't be inviting them.

Since my mum passed away, I want to invite her siblings; they’re meaningful to me and feel like a connection to her. However, my dad doesn’t get along with them. I also don’t want to invite his side of the family (apart from his sister), as I don’t have a relationship with them and some treated my mum poorly. They also make back handed comments and my Dad never really has anything positive to say about them.

Dad now says that if my mum’s side is invited, he wants his side there too, to avoid family fallout. He’s offered to pay for extra guests so we don’t have to cut friends from the list. I’m torn. Do I accept this compromise for the sake of one day and my dad’s peace of mind? Do I decline the money and risk straining our relationship (also straining our finances)? Or do we elope, even though we genuinely want to celebrate with loved ones and friends?

The wedding is next year and we're at the point of putting deposits down on things as well. We're saving really hard, around £1k a month between us.

YABU - I can see where your Dad is coming from, invite the relatives.
YANBU - Stand your ground, don't invite them

We had similar, MIL assumed she was planning our wedding. We paid for it ourselves, only had what we could afford- including number of guests.

First, I’m so sorry your mum won’t be at your wedding.
I ’d let him know, if he continues to insist these family members are invited, you will be cancelling the wedding and eloping. Your Dad shouldn’t be putting conditions on his gift of healing financially. I had a similar issue with my father wanting certain family inviting who had also been very cruel to/about my mum during their divorce (where he was the cheater!), he wasn’t even offering a money contribution. I stood my ground and only had who I wanted there.

You are seriously considering not inviting your uncles and aunts to your wedding? Terrible bad manners. But this is MN the land of isolationism.

Honestly if you want to make the decisions then fund it yourself. Though I can think of 101 better uses for £1k month savings (house? pension?) - elope, and have a big party later to celebrate with everyone including dodgy relatives. Cheaper & better imho.

I think it really depends on the nature of the disrespect to your mum. If low-level, yes I would invite them to keep the peace, especially if it will cause your dad upset. His relationship with his family may be all the more important to him now his wife has passed away.

He can invite them to his own wedding/party then.

ETA - sorry, I just read your update. If I am reading it correctly, your dad's family are brash and ill-mannered, and made your mum feel left out by their insensitive behaviour. One of them called her a recluse, but he is dead. In that case, yes, I would invite them. Sit them at the back. They sound like idiots but from what it sounds like they didn't actually do anything awful to your mum, just made her uncomfortable with their unpleasant characters. Your dad is paying for the wedding, and also he is a widower who wants to keep the peace with his family. For his sake, yes I would invite them, sorry.

Its YOUR wedding day which means YOU get to choose who attends, end of conversation!!!
I fell into the trap of having family as bridesmaids instead of my friends (who i really wanted) so as to not upset anyone and guess what...? They still ruined my wedding for me!!!! Massive family fall out because of it which looks to be totally irreparable and now we have 'sides taken'. Biggest regret ever. Wish we had just buggered off and did our own thing xx

URDNBU. If Prince William didn't have to have people he didn't like it his wedding then you certainly don't have to at yours and he wasn't paying for it either!

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I'm also upset as Dad made this offer a couple months ago. And then said he wouldn't get involved in decisions. I informed at the time who I planned to invite and he was a bit surprised but accepted.

“Dad, we really appreciate you offering to contribute to the wedding. But you did say you were happy not to get involved, and we told you who we were inviting. It’s going to make things very difficult if we have to cut our budget now, but if you’re saying you’ll now only contribute if you get to choose who’s invited, we’ll return your money.”

And you don’t think it’s pretty crap manners to criticise your brother’s wife publicly for years? To the point that your niece doesn’t want you at her wedding?

I am sorry your Mum won't be at your wedding. My Dad died 6 months before I got married and it was very hard.

It is a shame your Dad's relatives were unkind.

Do you know why your Dad doesn't get on with your Mum's siblings?

Remember there are always at least two sides to a story.

I think he would be rather lonely at your wedding without your Mum. Especially, if he doesn't get on with her family.

My Mum looked so lonely at our and my siblings weddings on her own.

Would he be happy with just his nice sister?

Whatever you decide I hope you have a wonderful day and a long and happy marriage.

Your mum put up with them for him. I’m guessing in her judgement he needed them so that’s what she did. If it was me I would carry on her work and help him take his place in his family.

I’m so sorry you don’t have your mum for this and if it’s too much then gently explain it to him.

this! I paid for (both!) my weddings and managed to avoid a whole lot of attempted parental control

I would ditch the whole thing and go and get married in registry office with immediate family only. Think of the money saved

Your dad has given you money and now he wants to control your guest list. He's decided that is more important than keeping his word about control and kind of spoiling your wedding inviting people who were mean to your mom and that you don't care for.

Give him the money back.

He wants people there who didn't support the marriage that produced you and were openly disrespectful to your mom and are unpleasant and you have no relationship with them. I think that would put a big damper on the whole thing.

I'd elope.

It’s your wedding not your dads, he had his time to invite who he wanted when he got married.

choose who you want and just be firm with him and say so - maybe tell him you’re not inviting your mums siblings just because they are relatives you’re doing because of how you feel about them - it’s not a family issue and a support/love issue

my dad done this at sisters wedding-invied people we hadnt seen since we were kids justg to show off

OP is hardly being over-sensitive. It's only three years since she lost her mum and it's perfectly understandable that OP doesn't want to invite people that weren't kind to her mum.

Also, referring to OP's mum as her dad's wife sounds a bit odd and impersonal. Maybe her dad is OK with their behaviour to OP's mum, but OP isn't.

She's seriously considering not inviting people that weren't kind to her late mum. It's irrelevant that they are OP's uncles and aunts. They should have been nicer to her mum when she was alive.

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Thanks all, interesting to get different views.

RE: My mum's family. My dad hasn't had a fall out with them, they just don't really have a relationship. He has it in his head that they should have done more for Mum when she was ill, but she was only ill for two months before she died suddenly and was very private/reserved about reaching out or asking for help. They all live in the same village but rarely speak other than a courtesy hello in the street.

Re: Eloping. We considered it initially. My partner has some minor issues with his divorced parents. We actually felt like a tiny wedding would draw attention to who isn’t there, I.e. his dad and my dead Mum. We have such wonderful, loving friends that would want to celebrate with us, it means a lot to have them there - some are like chosen family. Plus the venue just ticked everything we wanted and were so accommodating. It's been so lovely to plan up until now and now I have such a sour taste in my mouth.

I privately think he wants to show off to family that his daughter is having a nice wedding. He was always made to feel quite inferior as a kid and I do think he has a complex about it, though he has denied that.

Interestingly, when they got married in the 80s, my Mums parents were dead but she always told me she didn't enjoy the day as Dad insisted on inviting everyone and there were loads of small kids about. She always said she wished it was smaller. Tbh they probably never should have got married but that's a story for another thread 🤣

I've said to Dad I haven't decided yet but he hasn't given us anything yet.We might be able to save extra hard and cover it, we've already spent about £3k already and given verbal save the dates, but it would be a challenge.

So your update says there was no big fall out and they just weren't very helpful when your mum was ill. But she didn't want anyone to know ?
Honestly just invite them if it makes your dad happy he will be feeling it terribly without your mum on the day, give him as much comfort as you can. You have your new husband to support you

I was talking about my Mum's family, not my Dad's family. Someone asked me why my Dad didn't like them and what the context was there. The context is, he just has a grudge for no reason.