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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset that Dad wants to invite unpleasant family to my wedding

105 replies

TheBlueRobin · 31/08/2025 21:43

My dad has kindly offered to contribute financially to our wedding. Mum died three years ago and I'm an only child, so me and Dad are close. We've accepted some of the money he has offered, that basically covers the venue and we pay for everything else. We’re deeply grateful. Our wedding is about 60 people, including around 15 family. Mainly parents, siblings and a few aunts and uncles. I have lots of cousins but won't be inviting them.

Since my mum passed away, I want to invite her siblings; they’re meaningful to me and feel like a connection to her. However, my dad doesn’t get along with them. I also don’t want to invite his side of the family (apart from his sister), as I don’t have a relationship with them and some treated my mum poorly. They also make back handed comments and my Dad never really has anything positive to say about them.

Dad now says that if my mum’s side is invited, he wants his side there too, to avoid family fallout. He’s offered to pay for extra guests so we don’t have to cut friends from the list. I’m torn. Do I accept this compromise for the sake of one day and my dad’s peace of mind? Do I decline the money and risk straining our relationship (also straining our finances)? Or do we elope, even though we genuinely want to celebrate with loved ones and friends?

The wedding is next year and we're at the point of putting deposits down on things as well. We're saving really hard, around £1k a month between us.

YABU - I can see where your Dad is coming from, invite the relatives.
YANBU - Stand your ground, don't invite them

OP posts:
Catssuddenlyappear · 31/08/2025 21:50

It's the disrespect towards your mum that means I wouldn't invite them. You don't like them; they don't sound pleasant

SapphOhNo · 31/08/2025 21:52

If his money is contingent on him controlling your wedding. You decline it.

dixiedoo · 31/08/2025 23:34

In your shoes, I would not feel comfortable accepting a gift that came with conditions that would make me unhappy/ uncomfortable/ controlled. Therefore I would decline and if it meant waiting to save more money, I’d do that.

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 01/09/2025 03:17

Thanks to responses so far. I'd be keen to hear from people who do think I'm being unreasonable.

I'm also upset as Dad made this offer a couple months ago. And then said he wouldn't get involved in decisions. I informed at the time who I planned to invite and he was a bit surprised but accepted. He's now thought about it and said this. In the meantime. I've been booking things in, putting money down etc and just feels like a big spanner in the works.

For context, it's 8 extra people, some of my aunts and uncles. So not loads and my dad's siblings but not people at the top of my list...

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 01/09/2025 03:22

I think this is on him: dad your family were not kind to my mum. You had your chance to defend her but I didn’t see you do that- that’s my memory of those people and now you don’t get to have them at my wedding and that’s on you. If you want to pull your offer to contribute to the costs, that’s your prerogative. That would be you standing up for unkind relatives instead of me though, just like you didn’t stand up for mum, you need to understand that.

thebabayaga · 01/09/2025 07:31

Decline the money and do not invite them.

GabriellaMontez · 01/09/2025 07:38

"Dad this is the family fallout"

Doesn't he realise these are the consequences of their behaviour?

Im sorry you lost your Mum and she won't be at your wedding. No way would I be tolerating people i didn't like in this situation.

Ps. Not voted as I'm not sure which way round it is. Yanbu to not invite them.

hattie43 · 01/09/2025 07:39

Elope . It sounds like you won’t do right for doing wrong . You also don’t want to spend your wedding day stressed about whether people will get along .

KvotheTheBloodless · 01/09/2025 07:41

I think it'll be weird to invite some aunts/uncles but not others. I can imagine it being really hard for your dad if you don't invite his siblings. I'd suck it up for your dad's sake.

Zanatdy · 01/09/2025 07:42

I don’t think it’s that unreasonable he wants to invite his siblings when your mums siblings are invited, especially when he is contributing to your wedding. He will be the one dealing with the fall out of it. I wouldn’t want to put that stress on a parent. Fair enough if you were paying for it all, but you’re not.

Sw1989 · 01/09/2025 07:45

We had almost exactly this with my in laws who offered to contribute some money to our wedding. Unfortunately, wedding planning seems to being our all sorts of emotions from parents/ in laws. Mine wanted a big say in lots of decisions and kicked off about the fact that my family are bigger than my wife's and we are close to a lot of them, therefore wanted to invite them. My in laws wanted to invite various distant relations to "balance numbers out" even though my wife hasn't seen one of them since 1995 😂. They also didn't like our plans for food and thought not having 3 course sit down meal would "look cheap". We told them we didn't want their money if they were going to dictate how the day should be and they backed down very quickly after this.

1apenny2apenny · 01/09/2025 07:47

It’s your wedding, have the day you want, do not compromise for others. If you invite them you’ll look back at the pictures and regret it. Is there anyone in his family you like/are kind that you could invite?

Enrichetta · 01/09/2025 07:50

thebabayaga · 01/09/2025 07:31

Decline the money and do not invite them.

This.

Or simply elope and save yourself a ton of money.

Imbusytodaysorry · 01/09/2025 07:54

@TheBlueRobin id be handing the money back ! This isn’t your dad’s day and if the money he is gifting comes with demands then he is unreasonable .

Id elope or change the date and save a little longer .

Loubylie · 01/09/2025 08:03

Elope.
It sounds like it will all be a lot of hassle and will put a downer on the marriage ... and sour your relationship with your father
Today's elaborate weddings are a huge waste of money anyway. If guests were asked to pay per head to cover the actual cost, they'd all say no, can't we all just have a couple of drinks in the pub instead?

fairislecable · 01/09/2025 08:08

If he is covering the cost agree and then ignore them on the day. You could also make a speech thanking everyone for their kind wishes etc and sad that your wonderful mum cannot be there so please all raise your glasses to a truly lovely woman.

myplace · 01/09/2025 08:13

Going against the flow… what matters is being married. If there are some people there who don’t get on, it doesn’t actually impact your marriage.

Sounding very old even to my own ears, when I married the various family schisms were sort of irrelevant. You didn’t need to be ‘in favour’ to get invited to a family wedding. Some of the guests at a wedding would be people who didn’t get along. That didn’t matter as it didn’t impact you being married. You just ignore the frostiness/tension and enjoy yourselves.

There were questions about numbers v degree of connectedness but that usually sorted itself out.

Flossflower · 01/09/2025 08:14

I would have the wedding you want. If you give someone a gift then it should not come with strings.
We paid for both our children’s weddings. We did not put any conditions on this. We only gave advice when asked for it.

Cerialkiller · 01/09/2025 08:15

I suspect the real issue is that your Dad doesn't want to look bad to his family. He's taking the path of least resistance again just like he did with their behaviour to your mother.

There are some key times in life when the shit from your families' past, rears it's head and threatens to continue onto the next generation. Having children is a big one, weddings are another.

As an adult you suddenly realise how messed up it all was and you feel this tension between what you know is right, and the old familiar patterns.

It's time to have a conversation with your dad, not as father and daughter, but as adult to adult, it doesn't have to be a long negotiation, you only have to be clear that you don't want these people at your wedding and ask overtly if his money has strings attached. If you are as close as you say he will of course say no and it could trigger a deeper heat to heart.

Redburnett · 01/09/2025 08:22

Having been the parent in a similar situation I would say you should only invite the people you want to be there.
No sensible parent is going to risk his relationship with his only DC because of a few not very nice relatives not going to his daughter's wedding.

GameWheelsAlarm · 01/09/2025 08:25

It's your wedding, you don't have to invite anyone you don't want. You'd have to double the size of the wedding to invite every relative. It's stupid to invite anyone "to avoid a family fallout" because anyone who would make a fuss about not being invited is not someone anyone needs to have in their life

You and your dad should just agree a simple explanation and stick to it. Eg "we wanted a small wedding and couldn't invite the whole family, so only the family members that see BlueRobin and her intended regularly have been invited". Chances are they only care because of the chance for free booze so if your dad really cares he can host a party justfor them a couple of weeks before or after your wedding either at his house or a pub to "give them the opportunity to drink the health of the happy couple" without the rigmarole of making you revise your wedding plans to accommodate people you don't get on with.

Fifthtimelucky · 01/09/2025 08:31

It doesn’t sound like all of his family treated your mother badly. I would invite the ones who didn’t, but not those who did.

You may not have a relationship with them at the moment, but weddings are good opportunities to bring families together and build relationships.

thepariscrimefiles · 01/09/2025 08:34

Don't invite anyone who wasn't kind to your mum. You may feel upset that your mum isn't there on your wedding day so the presence of people who treated her badly will make you feel worse.

Your dad shouldn't be using the promise of financial help to invite people that he knows you don't want to invite for a very good reason. Your loyalty (and his) should be with your late mum.

JollyHostess101 · 01/09/2025 08:40

I didn’t want to invite my uncle as he was horrid I didn’t have great memories of him but my mum and dad were paying (similar size to you) but I didn’t want the argument so just said yes….. I hardly saw them on the day so made no real impact!

He passed away about 2 months later so that was the last time my mum her sisters and him were all together so I’m glad I let it go!

toomuchfaff · 01/09/2025 09:09

Not a chance of be inviting someone i didnt like, someone who had pissed me off, someone who I felt had disrespected my dead mother to MY WEDDING.

The fallout is - i'm not inviting them, and if you push it, i'm not inviting you... you or them, make your choice.

My wedding.

My (our including fiance. and hes backing me on this) invite list - if dad wants to build bridges, he can do it at his own family reunion, organised seperate, my wedding isnt a bridge builder. And take out your money, thats fine, ill downgrade everything so I can pay for it myself

No no no no no. My wedding my choice. You know damn well that bitchy aunt Flo will have that grimace smirk at some point during the day, or she will make a bitchy backhanded remark about how you didnt turn out like your mum, you'll hear it, see it and it could be the last straw that stresses you out... don't risk your peace on an already stressful day. De-risk everything.