Upset that Dad wants to invite unpleasant family to my wedding

[TheBlueRobin]

My dad has kindly offered to contribute financially to our wedding. Mum died three years ago and I'm an only child, so me and Dad are close. We've accepted some of the money he has offered, that basically covers the venue and we pay for everything else. We’re deeply grateful. Our wedding is about 60 people, including around 15 family. Mainly parents, siblings and a few aunts and uncles. I have lots of cousins but won't be inviting them.

Since my mum passed away, I want to invite her siblings; they’re meaningful to me and feel like a connection to her. However, my dad doesn’t get along with them. I also don’t want to invite his side of the family (apart from his sister), as I don’t have a relationship with them and some treated my mum poorly. They also make back handed comments and my Dad never really has anything positive to say about them.

Dad now says that if my mum’s side is invited, he wants his side there too, to avoid family fallout. He’s offered to pay for extra guests so we don’t have to cut friends from the list. I’m torn. Do I accept this compromise for the sake of one day and my dad’s peace of mind? Do I decline the money and risk straining our relationship (also straining our finances)? Or do we elope, even though we genuinely want to celebrate with loved ones and friends?

The wedding is next year and we're at the point of putting deposits down on things as well. We're saving really hard, around £1k a month between us.

YABU - I can see where your Dad is coming from, invite the relatives.
YANBU - Stand your ground, don't invite them

Tell Dad it's YOUR wedding and you only want people who have a loving relationship with you there, not these asshats. Tell him he can keep the money if he thinks it gives him any say regarding anything.

You don’t wasn’t people who will upset you there on your wedding day. People who were unkind to your mother will upset you. Unreasonable of your dad to ask you to invite people you don’t like just for the sake of apparent fairness. It’s not a huge wedding, you want to be surrounded by people who love you and are there purely to celebrate you and your husband. Not people who are there to score points.

Context would be helpful. I remember DS ex GF family had many fallings out but it was over totally trivial stuff. But to add at my wedding we had a few people I had never even met from DH side and he also had three relatives of mine, all from overseas. You very much get very little time to speak to anyone.

tell him, once, very clearly and without emotion why you want to invite who you want to invite and that it is not a matter of him paying for extra guests. You don't want them there.

But be prepared to return his contribution so that he can never ever bring up that he "paid for it"

Thanks all. Given a lot of food for thought and I know exactly what I'd say if it was someone else posting this thread...The only relative I was planning to invite on his side was his one sister and husband, who is also my godmother and the only one I speak to directly.

His other sister can be a bit queen B and quite strong opinions, third sister is relatively harmless, big drinker but I don't really speak to her. His brother is a smarmy arse and his other brother was my Dad's business partner until he took money from their business. The madness that he wants them there! I don't think my Dad wants to cause drama, he just thinks he would get the fall out if they hear of it, and he already feels quite isolated after Mum died. I do just feel sorry for him as I think his family are frankly crap, and haven't really supported him since Mum died.

Fundamentally my Mum was a more introverted, mild mannered person against my Dad's louder, brash, more opinionated family who like a drink (my Dad included) and they just made her feel like an outcast. I remember my one uncle calling her a recluse at a family event (thank god he's dead anyway). The last time I saw them was at Mum's funeral and other than some courtesy words, I didn’t speak to many of them.

I'm trying to be adult and see it from his POV rather than throw toys out the pram but he always knows I'm very strong minded and won't put up with things like my Mum would to keep the peace

I rang my partner last night (as I'm currently staying with my Dad for a few reasons) and he was very level headed and said worse case scenario we can just sit them in the corner and barely speak to them but he would back me whatever I wanted to do.

You’ve picked a good partner! Someone that helps you manage the situation how you want to, rather than telling you what to do or inflaming things.

I think this is a time to overlook previous issues. He's right that if he gets along with them then it's very awkward for one side to be invited and not the other. I would invite them all. You will be so consumed on the day you wont notice. You only have to say hello to them once.
Your dad is ok with their behaviour to his wife , maybe you are a little over sensitive and projecting a little?

"Your dad is ok with their behaviour to his wife , maybe you are a little over sensitive and projecting a little?"

Seriously? Baffled by this comment 🤣🤣

It sounds as if your DFs siblings aren’t particularly pleasant, but unless they did something unforgivable to your DM then - particularly as your DF is footing the bill - it would be weird to invite your DMs siblings but not your DFs.

Put them in a corner and warn the servers to be stingy with their wine portions.

If you still don’t want to invite them, unless there is more serious history than you have mentioned here, then you need to hand the money your DF has given you for the wedding back.

Fundamentally my Mum was a more introverted, mild mannered person against my Dad's louder, brash, more opinionated family who like a drink (my Dad included) and they just made her feel like an outcast. I remember my one uncle calling her a recluse at a family event (thank god he's dead anyway). The last time I saw them was at Mum's funeral and other than some courtesy words, I didn’t speak to many of them.

I'm trying to be adult and see it from his POV rather than throw toys out the pram but he always knows I'm very strong minded and won't put up with things like my Mum would to keep the peace

it is kind of you to see it from his POV and thinking more about it maybe inviting them and parking them in a corner might be better if you think your dad will be sitting around with nobody to talk to? if your mum's side of the family know that his side treated her badly will they make an effort to include him?

But i think you could definitely tell him why you made your originial decision and that it is for his sake that you are inviting x, y and z but that doesn't mean you forgive them for how they treated your mum, and how they are treating him now since she died.

Your fiancé sounds like a keeper.

Where there is a gift of money there is always an undercurrent of control IME.
This is why we never accepted the many offers of financial help from PILs, although we were very fortunate that we didn't need to.

I don't think you will find anyone who thinks YABU in these circumstances, but I don't know how you persuade your dad.

I understand why he feels he should keep the peace by inviting his family, but if they complain, all he needs to do is to explain that these days the bride and groom decide the guest list, not the parents.

It’s your wedding your guest list.

I would never have at my wedding, anyone who treated my mother poorly.

I would invite them. You love your dad and his own family are important to him even if they are annoying in some ways and different to the other side of the family. He is grieving and will be feeling lonely now your mum is gone. He will feel that badly at your wedding. You will miss her badly too but you will not be with your dad all the time. You'll naturally be circulating amongst all your guests and without any of his own family there he will feel it more. However you frame not inviting them he will be very hurt. He has offered to pay more for them so it matters a lot to him. You don't have to bother with these relatives much on the day as you will be very busy.I think that when the day comes around knowing you have done this for your dad, you will feel happier whereas if you see him looking a bit sad and lonely you might regret your decision not to invite them and it could take a bit of enjoyment from the day and your memory of it. Congratulations on your forthcoming marriage. I hope you have a lovely day whatever you decide.

What does your Dad say when you tell him your reasoning? Can you have a calm sit down chat with him about it?

I think your fiancé has it right. Sit them altogether at a table at the back. You’ll barely see them or speak to them. It will probably save your dad a lot of grief, which would be important to me.

They were unpleasant to about your mum? No, they don’t get to come. It’s YOUR wedding, not your dad’s. As a pp said, he can have a family from his side party another time, your wedding is hardly the time to do this when they are not people you care for.

I think it's your wedding and you should invite those you want to be there. But the reality of family dynamics, particularly when a parent offers to pay for something, make discussion/ agreement more challenging and I understand that. In your situation I'd likely cut right back on all numbers (immediate family only) for the wedding and wedding breakfast etc. I'd then throw a party for those I wanted to celebrate with, maybe once back from honeymoon.

This is the reason dh and I had literally our parents, siblings and their partners only at our wedding. I don't regret a thing and it was a beautiful day, not overshadowed by family arguments and other people's egos.

We completely changed our wedding plans as MiL wanted to invite her friends, who we had never met. DH told her he wasn't having people at our wedding we didn't know. We went form 40/50 to 9. It was a wonderful day.

Totally disagree. There was a big falling out with some aunts & uncles in my mum’s family. My sister and I got married within 6 months of each other. I chose to have an extremely small and relatively inexpensive wedding and excluded them, despite some pushback from that side of the family. We had a fabulous, relaxed and very happy day.

My sister felt pressured into inviting them to her wedding. One hideously narcissistic aunt had a few wines, barracked speakers during the speeches, was overheard loudly bitching about other members of the family and sent shitty looks our way at every opportunity. It was not a relaxing day in any sense of the word, because they were hell bent on making their presence felt - and that sounds very much the way the OP’s relatives might behave.

Even in a room full of guests you’re not ‘so consumed you won’t notice’ - on the contrary, you’re hyper-aware of the few people you don’t really want there and who are there because they feel entitled to be, rather than because they genuinely love you and wish you well. It spoilt my sister’s day.

In your situation OP, I’d feel that my mum would be with me on such an important day, and hell would freeze over before I was pressured by politeness and social convention into sharing that celebration with people who disrespected her in life. I’d tell my dad I loved him dearly, but I’d rather downsize the wedding than accept his money with conditions attached to the guest list.

My wedding was my parents' money wrapped up in all kinds of strings. I only have negative thoughts about it, 20 years later.
A mostly very happy marriage though!
If I had my time again, I'd do tiny, cheap and no parental involvement (other than inviting them as guests, obviously).

Elope and spend the money on a mega honeymoon!!! Or just have a civil ceremony and party at a pub with friends and family and spend the rest of the money on a mega honeymoon.

This is your dad's family. He's feeling alone. If he wants them there I would invite them for him

Cash gifts come with strings: in this case, your Dad inviting relatives you hate.

Leave it as long as possible to decide, and hope they've booked holiday