DD having surgery - not allowed to accompany her?

[BluebellWoods78]

DD (20) is having surgery next week. We were informed a few days ago that I will not be able to accompany her - instead we will say our goodbyes at reception (not even allowed up to the ward to sit with her before surgery!) and after that I will only be allowed in during strict 6-9pm visiting time. DD is understandably anxious about the operation (spinal surgery) and really wanted me to be there with her whilst waiting on the ward to go down to theatre and afterwards once out of recovery. Now knowing that she’ll have to be alone has really put her on edge. It’s a private hospital with separate rooms for each patient so I really don’t see what the issue with me being there for longer is. I’m a HCP and we don’t bat en eyelid re: relatives at our hospital as long as they aren’t disrupting other patients or getting in the way of care.

AIBU to think that in this day and age this is an absurd policy? Surely this is not in the best interest of patients or their families, to be frank nor is this kind of service that I pay private health insurance for!

Also just to clarify: DD is a perfectly normal, independent 20yo who has spent most of this year solo travelling on the other side of the world. It’s not as if she’s overly clingy or immature, she’s just genuinely anxious about the procedure and wants me there to help her out and calm her down. I’m an adult and work with surgical patients each and every day - even I feel very vulnerable any time I’ve personally had to go under the knife!

I thought you were going to say that she's 8 or something. You can't hold her hand every time she wants you to.

This seems to be normal in the private sector- I’ve had back surgery last year and hammer toe surgery this year, and had to say goodbye before admission, then visiting hours were 3 - 7pm so didn’t see anyone until next day last time as my admission was 5pm and not back from recovery in time.

she will be well looked after with staff keep popping in for obs, drugs rounds etc.

the best thing you can do to help us to explain the processes and that she should not worry - they will talk everything through step by step and from admission to procedure will not take more than an hour or 2 with lots of interactions as part of the admission and preparation.

I think she’ll need to say she is anxious and needs a carer for emotional support. I used to need repeated surgeries and there was supposedly a patient only rule on unit but many had someone with them as a carer or interpreter.

I don’t think it’s just the private sector. And it’s something adopted after Covid which makes it easier for hospitals.

Which I certainly don’t..

I think you need to be reassuring her that she in the best hands and you will be waiting for her when she comes out, and keep repeating it. There's no point talking about how unfair it is to her, just stay and positive for her

My DD had surgery at Manchester Spire a few weeks ago. I was allowed with her at all times except staying over night.

I would ask again at the pre op.

I recently had surgery, once she leaves reception she will be able to keep her phone with her while they do all the pre op stuff so she can keep in contact with you during this time.

Funny how hospitals can allow a family member 24/7 to maternity wards when it helps them out though 🤔

I had the same issue with my DD at a similar age. However, DD was able to check in, get changed, sign all the permission documents then come and sit with me in the waiting area outside the ward.

My mind boggles at this kind of response.

Totally normal to want to support your daughter and for her to want your support.

I agree with the PP who said this is the norm in some private hospitals, but I would definitely ask to be with my daughter in these circs.

Hope her surgery goes well

Ah, that does make sense

Yes that's odd, I'm sorry. I've just spent a week with my mum in hospital - NHS, no restrictions on visiting. She was also in a separate room and I was able to stay as long as I (and she) liked, everyday. She's a grown-up, so technically I didn't need to hold her hand, but it's nice to have a reassuring familiar face in hospital, no matter how old you are.

I would ask again, citing her distress at being left.

That is bizarre. In my country everyone gets a support person with them right up until the moment they are wheeled to the operating room. Once they are in the recovery room, the support person is brought back to sit next to them.

Emotional support and advocacy is important for all ages. a person going through a stressful procedure and incapacitated by medications is not able to make informed medical decisions. Having a support person with you is essential.

Are you okay? What a bizarre thing to say. Her daughter is 20 and about to have spinal surgery, not a trip to the dentist.

yanbu. I’m 54 but iI would want my DH to accompany me for surgery! How odd.
DH has had several knee surgeries and I’ve gone with him either to pick up or drop off. His first was a traumatic leg break and I was there the whole time .

Yes it’s ridiculous. My wife has had LOADS of operations through the NHS and I’ve been able to stay with her until she goes down and then come back ss soon as she’s out of recovery, she’s had operations at 4 hospitals all in different cities and never been an issue

OP I’m absolutely amazed. I had surgery recently - private - and DP was there with me from 6am until I sent him home when I went in and then back as soon as I was back in my room. I’m so sorry this is causing her extra stress.

My DH had surgery at a private Spire hospital and I was allowed to be with him as much as I wanted. Surprised you weren’t allowed

Nasty.

To be fair, isn’t it about infection control? I would rather my DD was in an area only accessible to other waiting patients and staff right before she went into the theatre.

I do get maternity ward comment above but then giving birth is a natural process so body equipped to fight back to health unlike spinal surgery etc many women give birth in back of cars, at home in villages in Africa. So other surgeries might be ranked differently risk wise. Just my 2pw. Op I hope your dd’s operation goes well.

Definitely not infection control reasons - I’m not asking to stand in theatre with her! 🙈

Would you like that area full of the public accompanying their loved ones? That was my point.

She’s an adult. She’s perfectly capable of waiting for surgery on her own, surely?

I’ve had a lot of surgeries and just been dropped off at reception by family. You just have to get on with it as that’s normal policy.