DD having surgery - not allowed to accompany her?

[BluebellWoods78]

DD (20) is having surgery next week. We were informed a few days ago that I will not be able to accompany her - instead we will say our goodbyes at reception (not even allowed up to the ward to sit with her before surgery!) and after that I will only be allowed in during strict 6-9pm visiting time. DD is understandably anxious about the operation (spinal surgery) and really wanted me to be there with her whilst waiting on the ward to go down to theatre and afterwards once out of recovery. Now knowing that she’ll have to be alone has really put her on edge. It’s a private hospital with separate rooms for each patient so I really don’t see what the issue with me being there for longer is. I’m a HCP and we don’t bat en eyelid re: relatives at our hospital as long as they aren’t disrupting other patients or getting in the way of care.

AIBU to think that in this day and age this is an absurd policy? Surely this is not in the best interest of patients or their families, to be frank nor is this kind of service that I pay private health insurance for!

No my friend has just had it done. That's what they told her. They disinfect the skin before the op. And then just before they actually do the surgery. They don't want to risk contamination from others wearing outside clothing etc

DS (20) had major surgery in January in an NHS hospital. I let him out of the car by the entrance, and then parked up.

They wouldn't let me through reception to say goodbye to him.

I was allowed to sit with him on the ward afterwards, before visiting hours began while he was sleeping off the 8 hour surgery.

Be prepared for seeing your child looking broken and being in pain post surgery OP. I found that bit really hard.

Just came to agree that Spires let you wait in the room pre and post surgery.

This isn’t a case of special treatment for spinal surgery (which doesn’t really exist, I work with these patients day in, day out!) - it’s just a blanket rule at this hospital for all surgical patients. She had much more invasive spinal surgery a few years ago (involving metalwork, hence extra precautions were taken including MRSA testing) and I was allowed to be with her 24/7 - I was with her whilst she was put under anaesthetic and brought to see her as soon as she was awake enough in the high dependency unit. This operation is nowhere near as serious or risky infection wise as that.

I find this really sad, OP.

I recently had an operation, and my Mum waited with me in the day case unit until I was taken to theatre. I’m mid 40s! I really appreciated having my Mum with me.

Saying that, I had surgery in 2022 (or was it 2021 🤔?), at a time when I couldn’t have anyone waiting with me prior to the surgery, and I was absolutely fine. Before my recent surgery, it was lovely having a loved one there as I waited anxiously; it certainly helped the hours tick by! It was also helpful to have a second pair of ears when the surgeon came around for a pre-op chat.

Edited to add that both were NHS hospitals.

I agree with you but wasn't she a paeds patient a few years ago? I think that's always going to be a bit different.

My son has had 5 surgeries, the last one was back in November but because he was 8 at the time, they always expected one parent to be with him.

How is that relevant to the hours you’re waiting before any of that happens though? That’s what’s being discussed here.

YANBU to feel the way you do. No mum wants her daughter, who is undergoing surgery, to feel unnecessary anxiety, whatever age they are.

If it is a blanket hospital policy, it may be difficult to get the hospital to make an exception, so having some coping strategies will be useful.

For example, DD could ask if she can video call Mum from her phone with WhatsApp at any time. She can ask the staff about mobile signal throughout the hospital, and for the WiFi login in advance. And reassure DD that you will book time off work to support her whether that’s in person or virtually.

If it will help her to know as much detail about the prep and post operative periods as possible, she should ask for this. If hearing this kind of detail would make her feel worse, she should tell the hospital in advance.

Another possibly is that your DD requests, due to her high anxiety, that her operation is scheduled as early in the day as possible, so she is not waiting as long in a fasted state. She could also request early sedation so she can doze whilst waiting. I think she’s unlikely to be given this, but the fact that she’s asking may underline how concerned she is.

This is also a situation where self hypnosis might be helpful. It isn’t for everyone but if she has time beforehand, a few sessions with a qualified hypnotherapist in advance of her surgery day could be a useful thing to try: https://www.hypnotherapists.org.uk/therapist-finder/

Finally, is there any possibility DD could be neurodiverse? If there is, even if she doesn’t have a formal diagnosis, having you physically present could be a reasonable adjustment.

High levels of anxiety can affect surgical outcomes, so her team must be mindful of this and manage it
https://www.cambridge.org/core/services/aop-cambridge-core/content/view/C51CEC6B50D656A7B8A9323439578692/S2059866125000068a.pdf/pre-operative-anxiety-and-its-impact-on-surgical-outcomes-a-systematic-review-and-meta-analysis.pdf

I hope your daughter’s surgery goes smoothly.

What does medical autonomy have to do with wanting a supportive presence while waiting for surgery?

I must be the weird one. If I’m nervous about something, I prefer to be on my own and just deal with it. I quite enjoy the peace of being alone before surgery.

If she’s panicky you might find on the day they are more prepared to bend rules? My 22yo had surgery last year and after the operation when she was back on the ward it wasn’t visiting time but the nurse rang me and asked me to come to the ward early as Dd was really upset (think it was post anaesthetic confusion, she’s normally not like that).

Infection control does come in to the policy for hospitals private or not.

This has nothing to do with infection control, that's just an excuse. It makes zero sense. No one is asking to enter the theatre, just to wait with DD before surgery.

This policy is simply for the convenience of staff.

Someone mentioned maternity - I can assure you, even in maternity, visitors are a huge pain in the ass and our jobs were much easier when visiting was stopped!

Op this is crap and my 20 year old dd and I would also be upset by it.

Depends on the trust, I've found. Newark and Sherwood (particularly Kingsmill) were absolutely fantastic with my 18 year old. I wasn't expecting to be able to accompany her after checking in as she's an adult but they let us all stay together in a side room right up until they took her down and put her to sleep. But Kingsmill have always been absolutely outstanding with care in my experience.

United Lincolnshire, however. 🙄

Gosh that’s harsh! And so are some of these responses. Being in hospital and having major surgery are stressful, anxiety provoking experiences at any age. It’s not remotely unreasonable to want a support person to wait with you!

My 18yo son had an operation recently and I was allowed to be with him in the anaesthetic room right up until he was asleep. Then I waited in his room and they took me down to the recovery room as soon as he was awake. I’m sure the staff were perfectly nice and he would have survived without me, but it’s comforting to have a familiar face with you when you’re vulnerable. I’m in Australia, maybe they do things differently here.

I had an op last year and it was the same, had to say goodbye to dh in reception then through to wait for surgery. It was horrible and I was really anxious and had to wait 5 hours. I'd have loved dh to be able to sit with me for distraction.

But far worse for a lot of patients. It’s cruelty

We had major spinal surgery 2 months ago the ago. We were given wipes to use the night before and the morning of surgery to disinfect the skin. I was still allowed to stay with my partner, had his private room to sit In for 8 hours then I was waiting for him in his icu room before he came out of recovery.

I had an operation in December and no one was allowed in whilst I waited to go down to theatre . I was admitted at 11am and didnt go down until 4pm so just had my phone and kept my mum updated ..my mum was working in the same hospital and when she asked to pop in quickly and see me they wouldn't let her .
I was nervous but I took a book to take my mind off it and ended up speaking to another lady there who was also waiting to have the same op .
During covid I spent 13 hours on my own in labour with my first child ..that was the scariest thing ever so I wasn't to phased about the operation in December.

Just tell her to keep her phone on , keep you updated and take a book or something to keep her occupied .

Sorry op my personal experience is that it just varies depending on the hospital.

For my first op, no one was allowed someone to stay with them. For my second op at a different hospital, we were allowed people with us (but I was alone anyway).

A pp is also right in saying that these day wards have a wide variety of surgeries being performed so it’s not based on severity of procedure as to whether someone can have a relative with them.

We were left in cubicals curtains drawn told to stay there until called. No view apart from green curtain. From 7.30am I went down at 3pm it was awful especially hearing others getting upset.

Yes. It bears no resemblance to my real life where we all care for and support our kids beyond the age of 18. Because we love them and want to both encourage independence but be there for them when they need us!

I think this is normal practice in any hospital. I'm sure your daughter will be fine and the staff will be very reassuring.

Could you change hospital to one that would allow you to stay?

Just because you are an adult and can manage perfectly well doesn’t mean you want to. Having someone there to take your mind off the surgery is nice and I can’t see a problem.

Exh has been in hospital since the pandemic and there wasn’t any rules about pre surgery. And visiting was 11am -9pm