DD having surgery - not allowed to accompany her?

[BluebellWoods78]

DD (20) is having surgery next week. We were informed a few days ago that I will not be able to accompany her - instead we will say our goodbyes at reception (not even allowed up to the ward to sit with her before surgery!) and after that I will only be allowed in during strict 6-9pm visiting time. DD is understandably anxious about the operation (spinal surgery) and really wanted me to be there with her whilst waiting on the ward to go down to theatre and afterwards once out of recovery. Now knowing that she’ll have to be alone has really put her on edge. It’s a private hospital with separate rooms for each patient so I really don’t see what the issue with me being there for longer is. I’m a HCP and we don’t bat en eyelid re: relatives at our hospital as long as they aren’t disrupting other patients or getting in the way of care.

AIBU to think that in this day and age this is an absurd policy? Surely this is not in the best interest of patients or their families, to be frank nor is this kind of service that I pay private health insurance for!

Ridiculous reply. Anyone can be anxious at any age when it comes to having bloody surgery!

There’s always one… (or more like several in the case of MN!) Some people are lucky to have never experienced anxiety, but sadly they often also have no empathy!

Right. So people are supposed to be stoic about going for spinal surgery?? Would you be?

You appear to have misplaced your empathy…

I’d want someone with me, and I’m in my 50s. YANBU at all. Your poor dd.

This is really sad OP.
Nothing to do with her age - it sounds like she has really been through it. I am over 15 years older than her and would like someone with me if I was having serious surgery. Or any surgery.

@MissBattleaxei suspect the OP’s daughter may be having surgery for scoliosis (mention of rods etc). - very serious surgery. My DD is 27 and is facing the same. She has no partner so I very much hope I’ll
be able to support her in the same way OP wants to her daughter. Your response was harsh and showed no empathy.

My DD works and has her own flat but crikey I’ll be at her side as she’s having rods screwed into her spine to correct a curve, and ribs broken to correct a twist. All to prevent future disability and current pain.

compassion is always the best first response.

This is a more minor spinal op (thankfully!) but DD did have scoliosis surgery a few years ago. I won’t lie, it’s a daunting procedure for all involved but 100% worth it in every way - DD has never looked back and is very grateful that she had it done. The surgeons did a wonderful job and her spine is now perfectly straight, no more rib hump either. She used to be in agony every day with pain in her curve, now she gets 0 back pain whatsoever. The upcoming surgery is to treat an unrelated disc problem causing sciatica (DD is just unlucky!!)

She had a brilliant recovery - I was very pleasantly surprised. Discharged from hospital on day 5, she was almost completely back to normal by 3 weeks post-op. By week 6 she was walking 20,000 steps per day on holiday in New York with no problems whatsoever. The first few days are very hard but once you get past day 3/4 you will be amazed by how quickly she bounces back. Movement is key and walking truly is medicine when it comes to scoliosis surgery recovery.

Definitely aim to try and stay with her as much as you can. DD was nearly 18 and they let me be with her 24/7 - there’s no way I would have left her, outside of HDU the ward nurses simply didn’t have time to care for a patient needing such close attention. I spent a lot of my time advocating for better pain relief and helping with position changes, reaching things to her etc. She honestly couldn’t have coped without me there

Edit: sorry for thread de-rail! Us scoli mums have to stick together!

Ok it was a few years ago but my mum was allowed in with me when I had surgery ata private hospital

i would get your daughter to phone the consultants secretary and tell them she wants you in the room until she goes down

Someone needs to look after the baby while mum
sleeps or recovers

*MissBattleaxe wow! And you’ve got kids? That’s the most apt username I think I’ve ever seen on here *

I really am shocked, OP. But I am in the US where it is expected that a family member or friend will stay with a patient who is going to surgery in the patient's room until they are taken to the surgical prep area and then the family member can wait for them in their room after they are brought up from recovery. Some hospitals even have sofa beds in the room if the family member wants to spend the night with the patient.

These expectations were altered drastically during covid, of course, but are back to normal now.

@BluebellWoods78 thanks for that! I worry that my DD is a decade older and will struggle more. We’ll see.

But without it she’ll have disc degeneration at a young age and continuing pain. Our daughters are brave troopers - such an awful condition. The thought of HDU terrifies.
but loved that your daughter flew and holidayed so soon after. Xx

Honestly HDU is absolutely nothing to worry about. It was the one night that of our stay I was able to get some proper rest as I knew that DD was being closely monitored and so well cared for. The nurses were some of the best that I’ve ever come across in my career - so attentive, proactive and couldn’t do enough for her. They made sure that she was totally pain free and content at all times. It’s not a scary place whatsoever x

My son doesn't have scoliosis but he did spent 7 weeks in PICU last year after a bowel obstruction caused septic shock.

PICU/HDU (where my son was, they were both together) can be very frightening but as OP says, the nurses are amazing and go above and beyond for their patients. I'll never forget a group of them taking my son outside the hospital entrance in his hospital bed with several tubes/wires etc still in place because he hadn't been outside for a month and he said he missed outside, it took them longer to organise it than it did for the 2 minutes he was outside but it meant everything to my son and 18 months later, every time we walk through that entrance to go to a check up, he talks about it.

Same.
One previous surgery privately at spire and my support person was allowed to carry my bag to my room but then had to leave (pre COVID)
Post COVID, an operation (spinal) and cancer stuff and it's drop off at check in.

Phone and video calls should be plenty of support tbh.
I wasn't in more than one night each op so no time for visitors, plus hospital is just over 1hr away so a long journey when not really needed.

Having had 2 spinal surgeries I can empathise with your daughter. She no doubt knows she’s in good hands but having the option for someone to be with you as you wait can be helpful to ease the understandable nerves.
i hope you find a satisfactory solution and best wishes to your daughter.

We got sorted folks! Had a further pre-op consultation today with her lovely spinal consultant who has cared for her for years. He knows that DD is usually quite anxious leading up to procedures and has managed to talk sense into the lead nurse that me being there is better for everyone. I’ll come up to the ward with her before she goes down to theatre and will just sit in her room until she’s back from recovery. I really don’t know why that had to be such a big deal but grateful that everything has worked out!

Great to read your update, OP, hope your DDs op goes well. 💐

I had an operation at a private hospital a couple of months ago, and DH came with me and stayed in my room while I was down in theatre (apart from going to buy sandwiches!)
I was in an absolute state of panic and anxiety about the procedure so I’m glad he was there for support and reassurance. I’m 56!

Whe you have an op you usually have to shower withSpecial shower gel for three days prior, put some stuff on your nostrils, wear clean night clothes and d have clean towels every day. She’ll be as germ free as possible - you will potentially contaminate the whole sterile area. It’s for the protection of the patients

It isn’t. I’m a HCP and this is nonsense - I won’t be in theatre for goodness sake! 🤣

By the way, this deconolisation protocol only applies to operations where implants are being used eg: screws in the spine. DD isn’t having anything like this done.

These were my instructions for surgery to repair a torn shoulder muscle - nothing to do with an implant

My son had 5 surgeries last year (all bowel surgeries) and we had the same instructions for him but I was with him right up until he was put under each time because he was 8.

I feel like the risk is minimal, otherwise even parents wouldn't be allowed to be with their children and hospital policies wouldn't differ so much as some hospitals are fine for people to wait even when the patient is an adult.