DD having surgery - not allowed to accompany her?

[BluebellWoods78]

DD (20) is having surgery next week. We were informed a few days ago that I will not be able to accompany her - instead we will say our goodbyes at reception (not even allowed up to the ward to sit with her before surgery!) and after that I will only be allowed in during strict 6-9pm visiting time. DD is understandably anxious about the operation (spinal surgery) and really wanted me to be there with her whilst waiting on the ward to go down to theatre and afterwards once out of recovery. Now knowing that she’ll have to be alone has really put her on edge. It’s a private hospital with separate rooms for each patient so I really don’t see what the issue with me being there for longer is. I’m a HCP and we don’t bat en eyelid re: relatives at our hospital as long as they aren’t disrupting other patients or getting in the way of care.

AIBU to think that in this day and age this is an absurd policy? Surely this is not in the best interest of patients or their families, to be frank nor is this kind of service that I pay private health insurance for!

A way to keep you at bay following covid, I’ve found can vary from ward to ward.

HDU, husband off for heart surgery, I could sit by his bedside until he went, and wait in his bay until they wheeled him back. Offered drinks & kind reassurance while he was gone.

When he came back in for another op as a day case in another ward I couldn’t make it past the doors, lady came once intercom rang & ensured no one accompanied him. He had to sit & wait on his own despite being severely anxious to the point it triggered pacing from his defib. Refused to call me or let me call for any kind of update.

Both wards in the same hospital, I’ve seen varying levels of care and varying rules across many of them. I’d feel the same as you & want to be there too but unfortunately it’s not our call. Wishing you both all the best.

No? Which is irrelevant because this would never happen. The operating theatre environment is incomparable to sitting on a ward.. Your statement is quite bizarre.

Nooooo. Surgery is not an every day occurrence. It’s scary and it’s stressful and it’s totally normal to want someone with you.

I’m amazed by the responses here. I was diagnosed with cancer nearly two years ago and have had four major surgeries. My partner was only ever with me during visiting hours.

Thank you! This is what I would expect. With anything different being just ‘different!’

mum also had surgery- just visiting hours and proper limits so not to tire her. Luckily she was back home within days after resting in hospital in a controlled environment!

I had surgery in a private hospital many years ago and even then they didn't allow people to stay. Mind you the experience was very different to NHS hospitals, it was like being in a posh hotel so the wait was quite relaxing

I had surgery earlier this year. Husband came up to the room and sat and worked while I had my op, used the hospital WiFi etc. No one batted an eyelid.

@MissBattleaxe @Sunnydaysxy so presumably you think women giving birth should not have a support person either. It’s normal so just deal with it. Adults after all 🙄

Yanbu, I'm 36 and going for an op in October and I'd really like my husband to be able to wait with me. It's a scary thing whatever your age.

I only have experience with paediatrics and a parent was expected to be with a child almost all of the time when in hospital.

Even for adults, it seems incredibly harsh to not allow someone to sit with them for emotional support before a surgery. Especially something like spinal surgery or heart surgery, it's not exactly just getting your appendix out.

My DS (19) had the same a couple of weeks ago, I wasn't allowed in the admissions lounge and had to pick him up at 9.30pm. Then he was texting me saying he was getting ready to come out, then said he was being sick, then said he had just passed out. I text him saying can they let me in now seeing as you are clearly unwell?! They did eventually let me in and I had to wait until midnight before he was given the all clear.

But a private hospital appointment I had in April my husband could stay all day long. Seems different for different hospitals.

If it were an ingrown toenail rather than major back surgery you may have a point.

Apt username though.

It's perfectly reasonable (and very human) for anyone of any age to want a family member/friend with them before and after surgery - particularly more serious ones like spinal. These sorts of exclusionary policies don't stand up to any medical scrutiny - they do not aid patient recovery and should be challenged. Wishing your daughter a full recovery.

I’ve had one surgery and needed dh next to me for emotional support up to the moment they took me in. I’m normally a chilled and sensible person but I find medical things v stressful and the waiting is even worse. Just having a trusted person there for the waiting makes a massive difference.

Nope. Not at all. Addressed this already in first post. I respect health care settings- I trust their risk categories. If at another hospital they do it differently, more power to them. I am also aware sometimes staff make rules that sometimes require less from them and not necessarily because it must be implemented.

mum was in a private ward of a public hospital. Same dr ( we know him as mum’s friend) also works in the public hospital. Or maybe that’s why he was stricter with us as he knows the family! Don’t know!

Hope it goes well for her (and you) @BluebellWoods78 💐.

I had NHS day case surgery 5 weeks ago and only the patients are allowed past the unit reception, in fact I got DH to drop me off at the main door rather than pay the £££ parking.

I'll be taking my mate to the same reception desk in a couple of weeks for her gallbladder removal. She has complex MH (CPTSD) and isn't allowed anyone with her either.

My FIL had major spinal surgery about 3 months ago and we (me, DH and MIL) were permitted onto the ward early and then walked alongside his bed with the surgical team to the theatre doors, but only because he was close to hysterical and it was prearranged with the team.

It seems pretty standard that they don't want people cluttering up what is a busy time for the surgical teams! Post-surgery is different.

Ridiculous comment my husband sat with me through every surgery when I had cancer and through every chemo. When he had a spinal stabilisation I was with him all day before and after surgery it's bloody loanley waiting for hours to go down.

Why not? My mum goes in for surgery on Wednesday and I will be staying at her house over night so I can get her to the hospital for 7.30am, wait with her until she’s taken down then I’ll be there when she’s come round and back on the ward. She’s a capable 71 year old woman but asked me to support so of course I will. I think most would for a loved one. OP’s experience sounds very strange to me. I wonder if it’s more to do with space in the unit.

I’m in my late 60’s and Dh is early 70’s, so definitely adults and we’ve both accompanied each other prior to surgery. It’s a perfectly normal thing to do, it’s not like we were clinging onto each other in terror or anything.

And I think you have a swinging brick where your heart ought to be.

Have you considered that maybe it was your daughter who asked the staff to say this? Has she actually asked for you to stay with her?

Screams “I don’t like my children very much”

This seems a very strange rule to me in a private hospital with individual rooms. I’ve had four surgeries in three different private hospitals in the last 4 years. First two were covid, so I went alone but even then there was the option of getting DH tested and cleared to come with me if needed. Last two he was with me until I was taken down to theatre, and again when I left recovery. Yes, they had visiting hours but that was basically to keep things quiet at night and for morning rounds.

I had spinal injections recently and I wasn't allowed anyone to accompany me after reception. From what I understand they are more strict with spinal work, there was a lady on our ward having a neck fusion. No visitors that day for her either. I was only in as a day case DH had to collect me but wasn't allowed in just upto the front desk.