I need to talk about this

[Lostandscared1]

Basically what the title says. And I’m posting in AIBU for traffic.

i am very nervous to post this

35F, he is 32M. We do not live together. I have children from previous relationship and he has not met them - important info.

I am in an abusive relationship. There is no question or doubt about it. We have been together for coming up to a year, yes I know it has not been long. I had rose tinted glasses on up until April/May time this year and I have tried to end the relationship a few times.

i need to tell someone, anyone about what happened this morning. I had stayed at his this weekend whilst my children were with exDP. We had actually had quite a nice weekend up until late last night where we got home from a date night I had organised where suddenly the cheating claims came out etc etc etc. This morning it kicked off again as I tried to express my hurt calmly about something and he just hit the roof and told me to get the fuck out of his house so, I proceeded to do so by getting myself ready, packed my things and went downstairs to say goodbye I shall be leaving now. He went absolutely insane, and I mean insane. He was screaming at the top of his voice against the fireplace wall, punched himself in the head and proceeded to scream at me, in my face calling me all the names under the sun and he ran into the kitchen where the back door is to exit so I could leave and he picked up a knife. When I tell you I was scared, I was terrified so I rushed to unlock the back door to escape. He proceeded to hold the knife against his own wrists and scream at me im going to slit my wrists and your going to watch me die. I obviously begged and pleaded with him not to do that, knife still in his hand and he was shouting that nothing would satisfy him more knowing that he dies and I watched him. He then held the knife in the air so I ran back to the back door and he screamed at me to shut it and I said no, he slammed the knife down and said shut the door so I did. He was screaming at me that I drive him to this, I’m narcissistic im evil, all the usual abuse I get almost daily at this point. I was shaking, sobbing, and he went and sat down and then was accusing me of having another boyfriend, that I’ve manipulated every man I’ve been with. Just tearing my character down with false accusations which again is something I’m very used too. He held his fist up to me too before I went upstairs to get changed, and he chased me up the stairs and got in my face to shout at me to tell him what I was saying to his face.

i physically cannot leave. I am trapped. After this, he acted like nothing had happened. He was laughing at social media, trying to make jokes whilst I was completely numb all afternoon waiting for the time I can leave to have my children back.

in the times I’ve tried breaking up with him before but I haven’t physically been with him, he’s found me and he’s gone hysterical at me until I’ve changed my mind or he threatens to attack me or come into the place I am and confront me, or he’s gotten into his car and screamed at me where I am until I tell him and then he threatens suicide.

please do not judge please be kind.

i feel like I’m dealing with someone who has a serious split personality disorder. I do not want the police involved, but I do need to leave. I’m working with a therapist currently to understand why I allowed this in the first place. I’m a lot stronger now but the reactions I get terrify me, especially today.

i just needed to get this out and I just need to hear that what I am experiencing is not ok. Apparently I’m the evil bitch.

You have to leave him. If he threatens suicide again then call an ambulance. He is exceptionally controlling.

If you have not already, please inform the police.

Please stay away from him and report every thing he ever does to you at the time. If you end up in hus presence and he threatens suicide with a again, call the police and an ambulance.

All this evidence may assist with a restraining order if it ever becomes necessary.

Don't cave, never answer the phone or door to him ever again

Please call the police, if he threatens to hurt himself, he needs to be sectioned.

Maybe he knows where she lives...?

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. I understand what you mean by trapped, as in his actions are not allowing you to disengage from the relationship in a way that feels safe to you.

You are absolutely right though OP, he has the capacity to really hurt you and your children or worse so contacting WA is definitely the best first step.

If it helps, I had to shift my perspective on what I was dealing with, and see that he was no longer a man or a person he was an animal hunting prey.

In the meantime, protect yourself and your kids in anyway you can, reinforce your home, get cameras, get a dog if you can, install flood lights on all sides of the home so if he comes at night it lights up like a bloody Christmas tree, the reality (in Australia) is that police can't do anything until he assaults you, you charge him, and then he breaks the domestic violence order and even then he will likely get warnings the first two times which gives him multiple chances to hurt you again before he's actually locked up.

Sending you strength OP, remember that you are a mother lion and this MoFo is a threat to your children, let that primal part of you take over and listen to it at all times. You cannot be too careful until he's out of your life 💜

I think it’s amazing how many people are missing the point. Yes you are trapped because the most dangerous time for women is when they leave an abusive relationship. It doesn’t matter that you’re not living together, he sounds dangerous.

You HAVE to report it to the police and do a Claire’s law request. If he turns up at your house once you end it you want the police to know he is a real threat and respond accordingly.

Good luck. You can do this and you must

It's over OP. It's over because you say it's over. End of. You have your own home and family, you are self sufficient. You are a mother & you are strong enough to make up your own mind.
Call the police & ask for help/advice on how to handle this. I'd suggest calling him to tell him never to contact you again or you'll file charges but the police may have other advice or contact him for you. You need to speak to them.
I wish you a happy, safe future without this bastard dragging you down. Good luck.

I do now, thank you. I hope OP can find someone to help her leave in real life. Its so hard to leave when you are in this situation .

You must have been terrified. I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience this.
As others have said, you must involve the police as I fear for you (and any future women he comes in contact with). Inform them of this incident and any others previous. Get help from DV organisations who will support you. Take steps to get an injunction.
Ignore all unknown numbers and if he turns up at your house, call the police. Get a personal panic alarm. Take every measure possible to protect yourself.

OP, you need to cut off all contact. Don’t answer any withheld numbers; don’t let him manipulate you; don’t go back. You know he won’t change. Call the police, get an injunction, and move on. He threatens suicide because it’s worked before - he’ll try whatever he can to wheedle you into going back. You have to be strong - seriously, OP, I’m worried on your behalf. You need to keep well away from this manipulative and unkind creep. You need to report everything that’s happened to the police, and phone women’s aid for help. You know that leaving him for ever is the only possible way forward.

I could have written your first post 10 years ago. I was with a man who was exactly the same. I got the Police involved and initially they weren't very helpful, but as the abuse (verbal, emotional and physical) went on, they started to take it more seriously. It went to Court and he pled not guilty. It went to Trial, and he changed his plea the morning of the Trial date. Never heard from him again. Thankfully the police have improved massively around DV and are far quicker to deal with it. Please please ring them - get them involved. And stay strong enough to attend Court. My liason officer said if I hadn't have attended Court on that morning, the Judge would have upheld his Not Guilty plea, and he would have been free to either carry on stalking and harassing me, or do it to someone else. Stay strong OP. The system regarding DV has moved on since then.

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

This is terrifying
I know you don't want to involve the police but I'm afraid this man is so volatile he could seriously harm you or kill you.
Please enact Clares Law and I suspect you will find he has had multiple convictions etc/pattern of behaviour.
Thankfully he has not met your children but if you chose to remain in this 'relationship' he could be at risk of causing physical and emotional harm; as well as the risk of losing their mother.
You must at least invoke Clares Law, please.
(I never ever comment but I am so genuinely worried about your situation)
Moving forward please look at the Freedom programme which your therapist/CAB can give you more info on

Good luck, do not excuse this as a 'one off'.

OP, I do hope you are getting support from the police or a specialist agency. You are right to be frightened, but there is help out there. Please dont do or say anything to this man until you have had professional advice.

@Lostandscared1 I have not read all the posts or yours for that matter. Speaking as a very experienced DVA professional, nobody can counsel you on here.

So i am going to try to shake you, emotionally speaking, in to doing something.

Do you think this will effect your children as your mental health diminishes

Do you realise you are bringing danger right to your front door

Do you realise that if your ex gets wind of this what might happen

do you realise what exactly you are going to lose, because i promise you, it will happen.

I don’t need to do the DASH risk assessment (shit that it is) to able to say to you if you do not go to the police this is going to end very badly for you and yours

you have one life, do not ruin it, your children have a right to a decent life, which is attached to your decisions don't ruin there’s either.

just for some lunatic man.

I thought I was losing the plot. He had me convinced everything was my fault. I ended up so thin as I was living on my nerves and felt like he robbed the first two years of my only child's life as I was in complete survival mode. Things have worked out well in the end but it would have been a very different story if I had stayed. Please be careful

OP you can apply for a non-molestation order without involving the police, call the NCDV helpline and they will help you, every time you try and end the relationship he will have to increase the abuse to keep you trapped, this relationship will only get worse.

This is the truth, OP. Men like that are far more likely to kill a partner or ex-partner than to kill themselves. Screaming in your face and stopping you escaping is violence.

You must report this to police and refuse to let him into your house; ring the police at once if he tries to get in or follows you when you’re out.

I understand how trapped you feel. I stayed in a bad relationship (nothing like as bad as your situation, but it made me ill with stress) because he threatened to kill himself.

When I finally left, he didn’t harm himself as far as I know, but I came back to life.

You aren’t trapped, you are enmeshed. You can escape his control and influence but you have to be strong.

She's tried that and actually its not that simple he knows where she lives. She needs woman's aid and an injunction which woman's aid can help with.

The first step will be the hardest. She will be scared about alot of things including dealing with her ex and what hes going to have to say about this, she will be worried she will be blamed, she won't, even if he did the authorities won't.

She needs some breathing space from woman's aid and time to feel safe

Think of him as a stalker. Because that's what he is doing. Don't think of him as your boyfriend or ex boyfriend.. And then think about famous people you have read about who have a stalker. And what do they do? They involve the police. If you happpen to be in Scotland, have a look at:
https://www.actionagainststalking.org/tipsandadvice

The general advice is still useful for everyone.

Also the Suzy Lamplugh Trust: https://www.suzylamplugh.org/Pages/Category/about-stalking

Tell your children's school about the situation and that no-one is ever to pick them up without a phone call from you first. But you need to be clear with yourself that you are done and you want him out of your life.

I think you need the police involved - he's unhinged. I also think you need to change your telephone number.

Please ring the police or women's aid. It's scary but in all likelihood he will have done this before. Have you googled his name and court? Made an application to the police under Clare's Law? If you haven't, I would do it. You can also report domestic violence online in many areas so if that is easier for you, then do that.

@Lostandscared1 Please, read this. You are stronger than you think right now.