I need to talk about this

[Lostandscared1]

Basically what the title says. And I’m posting in AIBU for traffic.

i am very nervous to post this

35F, he is 32M. We do not live together. I have children from previous relationship and he has not met them - important info.

I am in an abusive relationship. There is no question or doubt about it. We have been together for coming up to a year, yes I know it has not been long. I had rose tinted glasses on up until April/May time this year and I have tried to end the relationship a few times.

i need to tell someone, anyone about what happened this morning. I had stayed at his this weekend whilst my children were with exDP. We had actually had quite a nice weekend up until late last night where we got home from a date night I had organised where suddenly the cheating claims came out etc etc etc. This morning it kicked off again as I tried to express my hurt calmly about something and he just hit the roof and told me to get the fuck out of his house so, I proceeded to do so by getting myself ready, packed my things and went downstairs to say goodbye I shall be leaving now. He went absolutely insane, and I mean insane. He was screaming at the top of his voice against the fireplace wall, punched himself in the head and proceeded to scream at me, in my face calling me all the names under the sun and he ran into the kitchen where the back door is to exit so I could leave and he picked up a knife. When I tell you I was scared, I was terrified so I rushed to unlock the back door to escape. He proceeded to hold the knife against his own wrists and scream at me im going to slit my wrists and your going to watch me die. I obviously begged and pleaded with him not to do that, knife still in his hand and he was shouting that nothing would satisfy him more knowing that he dies and I watched him. He then held the knife in the air so I ran back to the back door and he screamed at me to shut it and I said no, he slammed the knife down and said shut the door so I did. He was screaming at me that I drive him to this, I’m narcissistic im evil, all the usual abuse I get almost daily at this point. I was shaking, sobbing, and he went and sat down and then was accusing me of having another boyfriend, that I’ve manipulated every man I’ve been with. Just tearing my character down with false accusations which again is something I’m very used too. He held his fist up to me too before I went upstairs to get changed, and he chased me up the stairs and got in my face to shout at me to tell him what I was saying to his face.

i physically cannot leave. I am trapped. After this, he acted like nothing had happened. He was laughing at social media, trying to make jokes whilst I was completely numb all afternoon waiting for the time I can leave to have my children back.

in the times I’ve tried breaking up with him before but I haven’t physically been with him, he’s found me and he’s gone hysterical at me until I’ve changed my mind or he threatens to attack me or come into the place I am and confront me, or he’s gotten into his car and screamed at me where I am until I tell him and then he threatens suicide.

please do not judge please be kind.

i feel like I’m dealing with someone who has a serious split personality disorder. I do not want the police involved, but I do need to leave. I’m working with a therapist currently to understand why I allowed this in the first place. I’m a lot stronger now but the reactions I get terrify me, especially today.

i just needed to get this out and I just need to hear that what I am experiencing is not ok. Apparently I’m the evil bitch.

Do it for your kids then, if not you. Does he know where you live with them?

Cool

then change settings on iPhone so blocks withheld numbers
call police for any whiff of a threat
Shrug if he threatens suicide
dont get in another relationship for the foreseeable

You’ll get great advice here, about how to move forward with your life, without him. Take it.

Block, change your number, continue to engage with your therapist, this is your chance to stop this cycle of wretched abuse. Take it.

You need to get them involved so you can protect yourself and your children. I know it’s a big step. But you can call the 101 now and get it started.

i physically cannot leave. I am trapped.

You can leave him.

I promise you, you can.

End the relationship AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, as you are at risk of being murdered. This is how serious this is.

Wait until you are in your home. End the relationship via text. Do not do it face to face.

Does he have keys to your property? If so, get an emergency locksmith to change your locks in case he decides to come to your house.

You need to tell the police, your family, and your children’s father about this.

Do not EVER go back to his house. Ever. And never let him into your house.

Sorry OP but I'm really confused and this sounds like an emergency situation - you physically can't leave? Is he blocking the door while you're upstairs? Because you need to call the police now.

But then you say you're home? Is he there?

I really really think it’s the police you need advice off and not Mumsnet. You obviously value your safety and that of you children’s and you need him out of
your life for good. How manY women are murdered by men in this situation each year, please break it off with him and move if needs be! Wishing you and your children well x

You have left him insofar as you are sitting in your own home with your children. And he isn’t there.

I think I’m going to call women’s aid now

Do it

Yes phone them.
You aren’t trapped. You have a lot of options.

As in, I cannot break away from the relationship. And when I tried to physically leave today even for some space he did not like It

I think you are missing the point of my post. I am trapped in the relationship. I am not physically with him right now, but that does not matter

And the police. Please call the police.

Ok good. So you physically never need to be near him again.

You can break away - you don't have shared kids or home. You need to make sure he doesn't come near you ever again.

He’ll do that to your kids one day if you stay with him.

Good. Please call 101 too particularly if you don’t get through to WA immediately.

Make sure you tell them everything you’ve written in your post, and absolutely everything he’s done to harm and frighten you.
If he has made threats, as these sorts of abusers often do, that if you contact women’s aid or the police your children will be taken away, remember that’s not true. The opposite, as you’re protecting them by getting help for yourself.

I’m glad you are safe and with your children. You need to call the police and report what happened today and also the other times it has happened.

The police can put an alert on your name/number/address so if he turns up you can ring them and the response will be prioritised.

He has no intention of killing himself, it’s done to scare you, manipulate you and get you to toe the line.

Please let the police know, for your own sake AND for his next girlfriend (victim). Don't think you can cure him, save him or change him because you can’t. Please don’t accept this for your - and your children’s - future.

And don’t answer calls from an unknown/withheld number - it’s never anyone worth speaking to anyway!

I appreciate he is frightening and you feel trapped but you aren't really.
He has only threatened to hurt himself not you and it sounds like he never has and has not even really blocked your exit.
I am not saying this to criticise you at all but to say that he seems all noise and drama but no actual violence, based on what you say anyway.
My father was the same, full of threats and occasionally throwing things (not at anyone) but when it came down to it he was a weak man who was full of hot air and although he threatened to he would never have hurt even himself let alone anyone else.

You need to contact the police. Statistically women are most likely to be killed when leaving an abusive relationship. You must place your own safety and your children above this man.

Contact the police immediately. Never see this man again, block him and do not answer any calls from withheld numbers. Change your number. Tell people in your life about the situation you are in.

You are not responsible for this man. You should not feel any guilt or responsibility for his emotional response. He knows this tactic works with you hence why he keeps doing it.

You can contact the National Domestic Abuse helpline which is available 24/7.

Don't block his number but divert his number to voicemail. If he is threatening to kill himself dial 999 for an ambulance. If he turns up at yours, don't let him in and call the police.

Get a video doorbell and change up your routine for a while; take a different route to work for example.

YABU

You are putting your kids at risk and they should be your priority.

Of course he threatens self harm or suicide - because he knows that works.

If he threatens it again then call the police.
If you don’t want to call the police, then you obviously don’t believe he’d actually harm himself.

When he tries ringing you off a private number, then don’t answer or just put the phone down when you know it’s him.

All you have to do is tell him you will ring the police and then do it.

What is more important - him having the police have a word with him? Or your kids safety?

I know it feels as if you are trapped, but you aren’t. You are a grown woman. You can do as you please and cut anyone out of your life for any reason, including him.

He threatens me often with violence, and he physically can be abusive too