I need to talk about this

[Lostandscared1]

Basically what the title says. And I’m posting in AIBU for traffic.

i am very nervous to post this

35F, he is 32M. We do not live together. I have children from previous relationship and he has not met them - important info.

I am in an abusive relationship. There is no question or doubt about it. We have been together for coming up to a year, yes I know it has not been long. I had rose tinted glasses on up until April/May time this year and I have tried to end the relationship a few times.

i need to tell someone, anyone about what happened this morning. I had stayed at his this weekend whilst my children were with exDP. We had actually had quite a nice weekend up until late last night where we got home from a date night I had organised where suddenly the cheating claims came out etc etc etc. This morning it kicked off again as I tried to express my hurt calmly about something and he just hit the roof and told me to get the fuck out of his house so, I proceeded to do so by getting myself ready, packed my things and went downstairs to say goodbye I shall be leaving now. He went absolutely insane, and I mean insane. He was screaming at the top of his voice against the fireplace wall, punched himself in the head and proceeded to scream at me, in my face calling me all the names under the sun and he ran into the kitchen where the back door is to exit so I could leave and he picked up a knife. When I tell you I was scared, I was terrified so I rushed to unlock the back door to escape. He proceeded to hold the knife against his own wrists and scream at me im going to slit my wrists and your going to watch me die. I obviously begged and pleaded with him not to do that, knife still in his hand and he was shouting that nothing would satisfy him more knowing that he dies and I watched him. He then held the knife in the air so I ran back to the back door and he screamed at me to shut it and I said no, he slammed the knife down and said shut the door so I did. He was screaming at me that I drive him to this, I’m narcissistic im evil, all the usual abuse I get almost daily at this point. I was shaking, sobbing, and he went and sat down and then was accusing me of having another boyfriend, that I’ve manipulated every man I’ve been with. Just tearing my character down with false accusations which again is something I’m very used too. He held his fist up to me too before I went upstairs to get changed, and he chased me up the stairs and got in my face to shout at me to tell him what I was saying to his face.

i physically cannot leave. I am trapped. After this, he acted like nothing had happened. He was laughing at social media, trying to make jokes whilst I was completely numb all afternoon waiting for the time I can leave to have my children back.

in the times I’ve tried breaking up with him before but I haven’t physically been with him, he’s found me and he’s gone hysterical at me until I’ve changed my mind or he threatens to attack me or come into the place I am and confront me, or he’s gotten into his car and screamed at me where I am until I tell him and then he threatens suicide.

please do not judge please be kind.

i feel like I’m dealing with someone who has a serious split personality disorder. I do not want the police involved, but I do need to leave. I’m working with a therapist currently to understand why I allowed this in the first place. I’m a lot stronger now but the reactions I get terrify me, especially today.

i just needed to get this out and I just need to hear that what I am experiencing is not ok. Apparently I’m the evil bitch.

I echo other posters advice. Change your number, get cameras and report immediately to the police. You can show them how many calls he's made to you the threats ect and get an injunction. You can leave him and you must for your children's sake. My sister had this with an ex, she kept going back and back it was infuriating but I know it's not so easy when you they make you feel like your unworthy. He ended up punching their own child in the face. He is never going to kill himself it's all control which I know you know but are obviously scared. She ended up in a hostel to get rid of him but it really messed her kids up. Praise god he's not met your children and he's not their father. Please take action now op. X

Ps I voted you are being unreasonable because you're not in any way tied to this man. You recognise he's highly abusive and dangerous and you keep seeing him. (And you have kids )

You are a mother and you cannot expose yourself to this any longer.

You need to get a non-molestation order and you must call the police if he calls or comes near you. If you don’t do anything, you are endangering yourself and more importantly your child. His behaviour is escalating and he will absolutely turn up at your door at some point.

If I found out my ex was not extracting themself from this kind of situation, I would be straight on to the court to remove my child from their care. It doesn’t matter that they haven’t met your child, they are a danger to yourself and and therefore a danger to your child.

First thing tomorrow, submit an application to the court for a non-molestation order (the form you need is a FL401) - Request a without notice hearing. Make sure you ask them at the hearing to attach powers of arrest to it. The first he will see of it will be when he is served and if he contacts you after that, you report it to the police and have him arrested immediately. You have entertained this behaviour by giving in to him and he will not stop until you show him you are serious.

You'll need to submit a D89 form with the application so they can send a bailiff to serve him with an interim order and a date for a return hearing. The fee is £0 because it relates to domestic abuse. Youll need to attach a witness statement which gives examples of what he has been doing. Type it up in your own words and get ChatGPT to summarise it for you if you need help articulatating it all clearly. Just make sure you read it back through as sometimes it can change things a little bit if it hasn’t been able to clearly understand something you’ve said.

This! Of course you need to call the police immediately! You could have been hurt or killed, and assuming he knows your address, your children could be in real danger.

• women can call The Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on tel: 0808 2000 247 0808 2000 247 for free at any time, day or night. The staff will offer confidential, non-judgemental information and support

This is from the NHS website.

I really hope you have been able to seek some emergency support. Please do whatever you need to to stay safe.

Go to the police. Get a restraining order. Block him everywhere. Don’t answer withheld or unknown no.s. If he threatens to harm or kill himself that is up to him. He is responsible for his own behaviour. Not you. Please please never ever see him again. You owe him no explanations or conversations. If he raises a scene at your work/home then call police. They will charge/remove him. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Put your children and yourself first. If you can’t do it for you then do it for them.

Is your position on this that women are not in danger from men if they don't live with them?

Get a restraining order against him that he can't come within so many miles of you. Get this sorted asap, if social services get hold of this thst your kids maybe in danger if he turns up to you house, with a knife or threatening you, you could possibly have you kids removed. This is serious.
And he wont top himself , people who commit suicide just go and do.it out the blue,they font tell anyone

Hope you are OK OP and have called WA and the police. Change the locks ASAP have you got family or friend who could stay with you ?

Many previous posters who work with DV services are saying clearly that OP should not block him and should take professional advice before she finishes with him because he is clearly potentially very dangerous to her.

https://clares-law.com/can-i-find-out-if-my-partner-boyfriend-husband-has-a-criminal-record/

Lots of mentions of Clare’s Law, follow that link to understand all about it.

@Lostandscared1 I hope you take charge and do everything necessary to keep yourself and DC safe, it’s your priority and only option. You can do it 💐

You know what you have to do. You have children around and they are at risk from this man. I realise they haven’t met him but they are still in danger. Call the police. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for them.

The man is nuts. Obviously you need to get out of this relationship. . If you can't do it safely then you will need to involve the police. At least you don't live with him.

This is your first step to freedom. Well done for reaching out. You can do this. Pls tell someone in real life.

If you can, pls update us once you have made some progress as we’d love to see how well you do now you’ve made the decision to no longer tolerate being abused.

x

I wouldn't feed the drama.

How can you “physically not leave” if you have your own home?? He can’t make you be in a relationship with him? Please block him and protect your own happiness/home and that of your children

What I read were several posts by a woman who is terrified of antagonising a dangerous and abusive man who knows where she lives and didn't know what to do.

Then I read the various posts from people who actually work in DV who have told her that she should not leave or block him without taking professional advice because he is a dangerous and abusive man.

I have no idea what you think you've been reading or where you came up with your "advice" but your starting point seems to be that OP can't be in danger because she doesn't live with him and that, my friend, is bollocks.

Why did you go for the "lovely weekend" with him then once the kids were at dads?

If he’s threatening to take his life, good. He’s absolute scum. It is your life and your children’s lives that matter. Block him on everything, report all the abuse and threats, get an injunction against him and keep your children safe - if that means they move to their father’s house, so be it.

You and your DC are safe which is obviously good currently but potentially in serious danger.

If he was volatile with a knife the self preserving thing to do would be to get out the house, not go upstairs. I thought at first you were trapped.

You do need to involve the police and engage whatever help you need from specialist organisations.

Please do not have any further contact for yours and your DCs safety.

I've been in an abusive situation.

You can stop lecturing me right there.

Read her updates. She states she is aware he is controlling, she is aware he is abusive, she then goes on to say she voluntarily met up with him and ended up having a "lovely weekend".

It's an insult to women that literally are trapped.