I need to talk about this

[Lostandscared1]

Basically what the title says. And I’m posting in AIBU for traffic.

i am very nervous to post this

35F, he is 32M. We do not live together. I have children from previous relationship and he has not met them - important info.

I am in an abusive relationship. There is no question or doubt about it. We have been together for coming up to a year, yes I know it has not been long. I had rose tinted glasses on up until April/May time this year and I have tried to end the relationship a few times.

i need to tell someone, anyone about what happened this morning. I had stayed at his this weekend whilst my children were with exDP. We had actually had quite a nice weekend up until late last night where we got home from a date night I had organised where suddenly the cheating claims came out etc etc etc. This morning it kicked off again as I tried to express my hurt calmly about something and he just hit the roof and told me to get the fuck out of his house so, I proceeded to do so by getting myself ready, packed my things and went downstairs to say goodbye I shall be leaving now. He went absolutely insane, and I mean insane. He was screaming at the top of his voice against the fireplace wall, punched himself in the head and proceeded to scream at me, in my face calling me all the names under the sun and he ran into the kitchen where the back door is to exit so I could leave and he picked up a knife. When I tell you I was scared, I was terrified so I rushed to unlock the back door to escape. He proceeded to hold the knife against his own wrists and scream at me im going to slit my wrists and your going to watch me die. I obviously begged and pleaded with him not to do that, knife still in his hand and he was shouting that nothing would satisfy him more knowing that he dies and I watched him. He then held the knife in the air so I ran back to the back door and he screamed at me to shut it and I said no, he slammed the knife down and said shut the door so I did. He was screaming at me that I drive him to this, I’m narcissistic im evil, all the usual abuse I get almost daily at this point. I was shaking, sobbing, and he went and sat down and then was accusing me of having another boyfriend, that I’ve manipulated every man I’ve been with. Just tearing my character down with false accusations which again is something I’m very used too. He held his fist up to me too before I went upstairs to get changed, and he chased me up the stairs and got in my face to shout at me to tell him what I was saying to his face.

i physically cannot leave. I am trapped. After this, he acted like nothing had happened. He was laughing at social media, trying to make jokes whilst I was completely numb all afternoon waiting for the time I can leave to have my children back.

in the times I’ve tried breaking up with him before but I haven’t physically been with him, he’s found me and he’s gone hysterical at me until I’ve changed my mind or he threatens to attack me or come into the place I am and confront me, or he’s gotten into his car and screamed at me where I am until I tell him and then he threatens suicide.

please do not judge please be kind.

i feel like I’m dealing with someone who has a serious split personality disorder. I do not want the police involved, but I do need to leave. I’m working with a therapist currently to understand why I allowed this in the first place. I’m a lot stronger now but the reactions I get terrify me, especially today.

i just needed to get this out and I just need to hear that what I am experiencing is not ok. Apparently I’m the evil bitch.

So just don't answer.
Ignore him.

And please, please go to the police. You need a panic alarm and advice about your safety.

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but at the very least contact the police for a Claire's law search.

This should be logged and you should find out if anything exists already.

Even if it doesn't progress to charges, it's important to tell the police about this behaviour.

Police no question of any other options - he is dangerous

If you've got an iphone I think there is a way to silence unknown callers. you really don't have to answer ANY numbers that are withheld. You're simply not obliged to.

@Lostandscared1 is there any chance he could be tracking your whereabouts?

I agree with you. My point was not about how the OP has ended up in this situation, which can happen to any of us, but more about the fact that she is still saying she cannot leave him. That requires some harsh truths I’m afraid.

Some of the people on this thread are truly horrible. Victim blaming and being so aggressive is not only unhelpful but very very damaging. Op I’m so so sorry you’re dealing with this. I really hope you can get to a shelter or a police station. Non of this is your fault, you’ve been bullied and manipulated and made to feel like you have no options but I promise you, if you go find help, there is a better life on the other side. Please keep us updated

Please contact women’s aid and the police. If he knows where you and your children live you are all in danger.

The circumstances you have described with the knife reminded me of a really sad episode of Murder 24/7 where an abusive partner not only tried to kill his wife but also did murder her mother.

Please do everything you can to try and keep safe x

You absolutely must contact the police. You and very importantly, your dc, need to be safe. You must never have any contact or interaction with him ever again. Please also contact Women’s aid for further support.

Some of you are being disgusting to the OP how fucking dare you, she is obviously terrified of doing anything, or doing nothing at all. She is caught in a turmoil, terrified, vulnerable and you're ripping into her.

Some of your comments are the EXACT reasons why people stay in relationships they need to get out of.

She literally says she cannot leave him-that is what I was responding to, and I am not victim blaming, I am asking legitimate questions. In any case, I don’t want to derail the thread so I’ll leave it there.

You poor lady. Keep a good record of what’s happened , and if all previous events and all future events. You may need to take out a non molestation order. You will need to get the police involved as he has threatened u and himself. You can phone 999 for ambulance hit his mental
healyh crises but I really hope you will not ever be anywhere near him again.

it might sound cold, but if he does harm himself it’s not your fault!! He has a mental
health condition that needs addressing - but you should not stick around. Get away, i form police , children’s school/after care etc - he may try to meet you there. You cannot stay with him. I really wish you well.

You have to get the police involved and speak to womens aid. You need people in real life that you can speak to. Please do this.
I had an alcoholic boyfriend in my early 20s who was like this and it took me 6 years to get rid of him and I hate him with every bone in my body, so much so that I read obituarys monthly to see if he had died for 20 years after I finally was free of him and last year i found out he had died and I finally felt peace. This is 20 years on from the end of the relationship.
These types of men can not be dealt with alone, you need people to help you to leave. Or you will be in this cycle for years. The longer you let it go on the worse and more deeper it gets. You are not reaponsible for him, for his state of mind, for his insecurity, for his fucked up life. He is not your problem to solve. He will never ever change and the best thing you can do is get as many people to help you to leave as possible. Good luck OP.

She doesn't know how to cut him off safely though. That's holding her back. It might be empty threats or he might be an actual psychopath. None of us can tell her which it is. That's why she needs support from the police.

I've dealt with a lot of very similar situations through work. You need to leave and it is likely he will make it very difficult and unpleasant so you must make sure you're prepared and protecting yourself and your children as you do so.

As other posters have said: block his number and if possible filter unknown numbers, change the locks and report to police if he shows up to make a scene. I would also add, reiterate to your children not to answer the door to any one, if they're of an age to do so; it may also be worth getting a ring door bell if that's within your budget as any harassment will be recorded.

You can also ask for a non molestation order if he continues to harass you. I'd also be tempted to do a Claires Law request to look into any past history of DV so you know if he has been violent previously.

Please do not succumb to threats to harm himself or promises to change as without serious intervention perpetrators like this generally only escalate over time. You can get out of this situation and if you feel you need support, dont hesitate to reach out to a local DA charity. They can support you emotionally, give legal advice and in some cases support practically with safety packages for your home (cameras/tamper proof letter boxes etc). You can get through this OP.

You have been heard and sadly, too many of us have experience of this. It never goes well. It really won’t be all right. Please take everyone’s advice, if not for you, for your children. I know it’s hard but this is the most important thing you’ll ever do.

Go to the police today, thats called stalking. Get your children and go to protected housing if need be.

Its hard to make this first step but you won't regret it. You won't be blamed or labelled

I think you need to tell all this to the police. What is your living situation?? Can you move so he can’t find you?

I don’t mean to panic you but this is very serious. He could be dangerous to you and your children.

Spot on

I haven’t read all replies, only your own responses. You can absolutely leave this man, you have 100% got this, his mental health is not your responsibility.

Contact the police and tell them what has happened and get an order to keep him away from you, and your family.

Again apologies if someone has already said this but, if you continue with a relationship with this man, there is a chance you could lose your children. Your ex husband may find out about this and say the children have not to live with you, and social services may get involved.

It sounds incredibly scary.
You absolutely are not trapped. You have your own home, and there is no way you can have your children anywhere near this man.
All you need to do is end things. Simply say that this relationship isn’t working out for you and you don’t want to continue.
If he starts any form of harassment you need to call the police and have them tell him not to come near you.
if you can’t do it for yourself do it for
your children.
This is not your fault and deep down
you know this. Don’t let him blindsight you into believing that it is.

You're not trapped at all OP.

You need to change your number and report this poor excuse of a human being with his threats. He's not your problem to solve OK.

When I had this situation, it was shame, guilt and confusion and full in gaslighting and personality switching. The shame of everyone thinking how could I be so stupid to get into this situation, guilt as in they tell you its your fault, you're evil, you're a bitch, then the love, you are the only one, crying if you leave, screaming if you walk out, sobbing that you are the only one that understands them, threatening to kill themselves and saying its your fault if they do. You cant tell anyone becuase you feel so stupid and you cant even find the words to say it out loud without having a breakdown. Then suddenly, they are normal, lovely, telling you you are a princess, the light of their lives. You see a glimmer of the person you fell for, they ask for your help, they will get better, you believe them, you help them, they ask you to help save them, you try, and they turn again. And you are in shock, in constant anxiety, you cant tell anyone, you are stuck. I literally left my job and the country to escape a man like this and it still affects me 20 years on.

If you haven't blocked him yet, please don't. Wait until you've managed to report to the police and then consider it again depending on their response. Blocking can substantially increase risk in this situation and interrupts evidence collection.

After the incident with the knife, think about reporting to the police and specifically requesting a DVPN. That will (theoretically) prevent him from making contact. If he breaches it is an arrestable offence in its own right.

If I was your caseworker I'm almost certain I'd be grading this as high risk and referring straight to MARAC. I don't think you should be going this alone.

(from an IDVA)

So sorry to hear this. Hope you have a good life now. Some people really should come with a health warning...