I need to talk about this

[Lostandscared1]

Basically what the title says. And I’m posting in AIBU for traffic.

i am very nervous to post this

35F, he is 32M. We do not live together. I have children from previous relationship and he has not met them - important info.

I am in an abusive relationship. There is no question or doubt about it. We have been together for coming up to a year, yes I know it has not been long. I had rose tinted glasses on up until April/May time this year and I have tried to end the relationship a few times.

i need to tell someone, anyone about what happened this morning. I had stayed at his this weekend whilst my children were with exDP. We had actually had quite a nice weekend up until late last night where we got home from a date night I had organised where suddenly the cheating claims came out etc etc etc. This morning it kicked off again as I tried to express my hurt calmly about something and he just hit the roof and told me to get the fuck out of his house so, I proceeded to do so by getting myself ready, packed my things and went downstairs to say goodbye I shall be leaving now. He went absolutely insane, and I mean insane. He was screaming at the top of his voice against the fireplace wall, punched himself in the head and proceeded to scream at me, in my face calling me all the names under the sun and he ran into the kitchen where the back door is to exit so I could leave and he picked up a knife. When I tell you I was scared, I was terrified so I rushed to unlock the back door to escape. He proceeded to hold the knife against his own wrists and scream at me im going to slit my wrists and your going to watch me die. I obviously begged and pleaded with him not to do that, knife still in his hand and he was shouting that nothing would satisfy him more knowing that he dies and I watched him. He then held the knife in the air so I ran back to the back door and he screamed at me to shut it and I said no, he slammed the knife down and said shut the door so I did. He was screaming at me that I drive him to this, I’m narcissistic im evil, all the usual abuse I get almost daily at this point. I was shaking, sobbing, and he went and sat down and then was accusing me of having another boyfriend, that I’ve manipulated every man I’ve been with. Just tearing my character down with false accusations which again is something I’m very used too. He held his fist up to me too before I went upstairs to get changed, and he chased me up the stairs and got in my face to shout at me to tell him what I was saying to his face.

i physically cannot leave. I am trapped. After this, he acted like nothing had happened. He was laughing at social media, trying to make jokes whilst I was completely numb all afternoon waiting for the time I can leave to have my children back.

in the times I’ve tried breaking up with him before but I haven’t physically been with him, he’s found me and he’s gone hysterical at me until I’ve changed my mind or he threatens to attack me or come into the place I am and confront me, or he’s gotten into his car and screamed at me where I am until I tell him and then he threatens suicide.

please do not judge please be kind.

i feel like I’m dealing with someone who has a serious split personality disorder. I do not want the police involved, but I do need to leave. I’m working with a therapist currently to understand why I allowed this in the first place. I’m a lot stronger now but the reactions I get terrify me, especially today.

i just needed to get this out and I just need to hear that what I am experiencing is not ok. Apparently I’m the evil bitch.

It is ridiculous you dont just block him.
How can he get in touch and tell you he is going to kill himself if he is blocked on everything?
Honestly what's is your plan?? Keep going? Hope he gets bored ?
If you keep interacting with him then he will keep replaying exactly what has been happening so far.
I agree with others I think you actually like the attention and being needed by him. Its a warped relationship. And if you didnt have kids then I wouldn't care .

Honestly don’t engage with these posters, They read like incels. Let the community police it and trust that most of us have your back, whether we’ve personally been there or not. Keep your energy for yourself but come back for support and advice when you can face it.

It isn't ridiculous that she doesn't just block him. Like I said, and I cannot stress this enough, blocking can increase risk. Someone who behaves like this isn't just going to give up because they can't get through on the phone. Blocking increases the risk of a perpetrator turning up in person. It also removes the ability to collect evidence so it can be property reported. She's currently doing the right thing in leaving him unblocked but not engaging.

OP you do NOT need to justify yourself to these posters. What they think is irrelevant.

I'm really sorry this is happening / has happened to you OP. I'm glad you've contacted Women's Aid and think the police also need to be involved/informed as a matter of urgency.

RE blocking him, you said he just calls relentlessly from withheld numbers - I just wanted to add that you can block withheld numbers too. My phone allows me to prevent any calls from numbers I don't have saved. You could also have messages from him auto-delete and set the ringtone to silent or do-not-disturb for incoming calls from him.

Kindly, so what if he threatens to kill himself. So what if he does?

His happiness is not your responsibility. He isn't making your happiness his responsibility is he.

I know that's a huge oversimplification of it all, but I do understand your situation. I've been in this situation, and I only left when I was pinned against the wall by my neck. I wish I'd left sooner, but I have gained a lot of knowledge since then.

Change your phone number and don't answer unknown callers.

Just to underline this, blocking can escalate the situation. The perpetrator is driven by a need to control and if they feel like they have nothing to lose, can become homicidal. The abuser in this case is fixated, threatening suicide and physically abusive. The OP is very high risk.

Texts and voice messages can be used as evidence to the police of his state of mind and he may alert the OP to what he's planning on doing.

Well done OP.

You need to block his number or turn your phone off completely (let your ex know).

The only way he worms his way back in is when you let him talk to you.
So remove that and you’ll not be dragged back in.

If he threatens suicide then call the police to do a welfare check.
I can guarantee he won’t do it again.

Ask your ex to have your kids because they are not safe with you right now, whilst you are choosing this man over them.
He needs to be completely out of your life before you get them back.

I think this question is entirely relevant given the circumstances?

OP doesn’t need evidence. She needs this man to stop contacting her.

If he turns up at her home (which he’s likely to do whether she blocks him or not) then she needs to phone the police.

Threatening behaviour over the phone is a criminal offence but OP is not going to call the police on him, have him arrested and go through the court process over it.
She would have done it already.

Her not blocking him means he still has control over her.
Yes she’ll need to be careful that her doors are locked etc but she’ll need to do that anyway.

If he’s not blocked she’ll still read his messages threatening suicide and end up feeling sorry for him and getting back together.

She is at just as much risk staying with this man than if she blocks him.

So what if he does try to off himself? Sounds like he would be doing you a massive favour, let him crack on.

This is not the case. See advice here: https://www.westyorkshire.police.uk/advice/personal-safety-and-possessions/stalking-and-harassment. He may well turn up at her home anyway, but he is more likely to do so if he cannot make contact any other way. In person contact is more of a risk.

You don't know that she doesn't need evidence. If she does go to the police, she will need to show that he has been repeatedly contacting her. If she decides to go down the civil route and apply for a NMO, she may also need to evidence that he has been making unwanted contact.

Just because she hasn't been to the police already doesn't mean she won't, especially if it escalates further. It can take domestic abuse victims multiple incidents before they report. This is not an uncommon situation, as people try to manage risk themselves first.

I agree that in an ideal world OP would not block him but she admits that he talks her around every time.

So she needs to be in a position where she can’t hear what he’s saying (and all the empty threats of suicide).

However, if the professionals say to not block, then I’d absolutely take their advice and not block.

Thank you for correcting me.

@Lostandscared1 hope you’re ok

hope you have stayed strong.

don’t answer his calls, get a new phone and sim and put your old sim in a burner phone. Leave that one at home.

Please don’t worry about him and his threats, he won’t kill himself. They very very rarely do. It’s just a tool to get you to do what he wants.

tell your friends and family, tell the police, tell work, anywhere he may use to contact you. Get a ring doorbell

hold strong, you’ll get through this

Call the police. Explain everything. Get a restraining order.
Change your number. Only give out to people you trust.

And move on

If you are interested in educating yourself on this subject I can recommend a book for you to read.

But please refrain from commenting because your posts will be read by other people in similar situations to OP and you “advice” is positively dangerous.

He's frightened the father of your children will kick the shit out of him. People like him prefer his victims to be weak. Would he ever do it to a man?

You have more power than what you think. Get a court order so he doesn't come near you or call you.

What support do you have around you who can you talk to in real life. You are worth so much more than what he is giving you. There is always more to stories like this and whatever you think is missing in your life he isn't the one who is going to help and replace that. He won't improve you and you deserve people around you who can improve you not make you worse.

In a lot of these situations it's not until something happens then the police will prosecute. The op needs to gather up as much evidence as possible. The op has to put up with the mental torture. She does need people around her who are supportive. Who she can offload to and who will understand. The bloke needs a good seeing to.

Well done OP. These are the first and hardest steps. If he persists with any threats of suicide, keep in mind you are not choosing whether he lives or dies you are choosing between him and your kids.

I noticed you said he wouldn't dare come to the house. Why wouldn't he dare come to the house?
This shows he does know there is a boundary that he cannot cross. Which means he is perfectly capable of controlling his behaviour so he is choosing not to.

Hope you have a good night sleep and this is hopefully the beginning of the end.

Download on your phone a call recorder and record him. Save his messages it's all evidence.

Please contact women’s aid if you don’t feel you can contact the police first. I know you’re scared and traumatised by it and you’re probably worried he will harm himself. But tbh he could harm you and your children and you need help to keep safe. I don’t know how else to say this but he could leave your children without a mum. Or harm them to hurt you. He sounds like he needs sectioned tbh - please call women’s aid

I think you're doing brilliantly OP and showing so much strength. Take professional advice around whether to block or not, but it sounds like getting another phone/number might be a good idea? That way you still have the evidence building of his contact, but you can choose to look at it when you're feeling strong. Maybe with your children's father (or a friend?) if you feel that would be helpful? Did you get through to Women’s Aid? I'm sure they will have lots of good advice for you. Stay strong

Get the police, women’s aid, family, friends all involved. Do not entertain anything more from him. When he threatened to kill himself you say “obviously I begged him not to”. This isn’t “obviously” at all in these circumstances. You say “well that would be up to you” and leave without guilt. I hope you are never in a situation with him again where he can threaten it but if he does you have to effectively shrug.

Been thinking about you the last couple of days and I want you to know you are showing incredible strength and clarity in the face of such trauma. In time, you will be free of him and his hold on you.