I need to talk about this

[Lostandscared1]

Basically what the title says. And I’m posting in AIBU for traffic.

i am very nervous to post this

35F, he is 32M. We do not live together. I have children from previous relationship and he has not met them - important info.

I am in an abusive relationship. There is no question or doubt about it. We have been together for coming up to a year, yes I know it has not been long. I had rose tinted glasses on up until April/May time this year and I have tried to end the relationship a few times.

i need to tell someone, anyone about what happened this morning. I had stayed at his this weekend whilst my children were with exDP. We had actually had quite a nice weekend up until late last night where we got home from a date night I had organised where suddenly the cheating claims came out etc etc etc. This morning it kicked off again as I tried to express my hurt calmly about something and he just hit the roof and told me to get the fuck out of his house so, I proceeded to do so by getting myself ready, packed my things and went downstairs to say goodbye I shall be leaving now. He went absolutely insane, and I mean insane. He was screaming at the top of his voice against the fireplace wall, punched himself in the head and proceeded to scream at me, in my face calling me all the names under the sun and he ran into the kitchen where the back door is to exit so I could leave and he picked up a knife. When I tell you I was scared, I was terrified so I rushed to unlock the back door to escape. He proceeded to hold the knife against his own wrists and scream at me im going to slit my wrists and your going to watch me die. I obviously begged and pleaded with him not to do that, knife still in his hand and he was shouting that nothing would satisfy him more knowing that he dies and I watched him. He then held the knife in the air so I ran back to the back door and he screamed at me to shut it and I said no, he slammed the knife down and said shut the door so I did. He was screaming at me that I drive him to this, I’m narcissistic im evil, all the usual abuse I get almost daily at this point. I was shaking, sobbing, and he went and sat down and then was accusing me of having another boyfriend, that I’ve manipulated every man I’ve been with. Just tearing my character down with false accusations which again is something I’m very used too. He held his fist up to me too before I went upstairs to get changed, and he chased me up the stairs and got in my face to shout at me to tell him what I was saying to his face.

i physically cannot leave. I am trapped. After this, he acted like nothing had happened. He was laughing at social media, trying to make jokes whilst I was completely numb all afternoon waiting for the time I can leave to have my children back.

in the times I’ve tried breaking up with him before but I haven’t physically been with him, he’s found me and he’s gone hysterical at me until I’ve changed my mind or he threatens to attack me or come into the place I am and confront me, or he’s gotten into his car and screamed at me where I am until I tell him and then he threatens suicide.

please do not judge please be kind.

i feel like I’m dealing with someone who has a serious split personality disorder. I do not want the police involved, but I do need to leave. I’m working with a therapist currently to understand why I allowed this in the first place. I’m a lot stronger now but the reactions I get terrify me, especially today.

i just needed to get this out and I just need to hear that what I am experiencing is not ok. Apparently I’m the evil bitch.

You need to block him and never let him back into your life or he will kill you. Tell the police, so if he does turn up they know to treat your call extremely seriously.

I highly recommend reading In Control: Dangerous relationships and how they end in murder by Jane Monckton Smith.

Ah OP I really do feel for you. I was also in an abusive relationship. I also felt trapped. They get inside your head and manipulate you to keep control. I also tried to leave many times unsuccessfully. I eventually contacted women's aid and went to a refuge, it was the most freeing and liberating thing I have ever done and I have never looked back.
Please be careful, the point where these men get whiff of you trying to leave is the point where they are most likely to attempt to seriously harm you. Please contact 101 to report this. Also contact women's aid, if need be they can help you find a refuge. In the meantime do you have a ring doorbell? Does he have a key to your home?
Please be kind to yourself and look after you and your babies. You can be free of him I promise x

So he does hurt you?
You didn't mention that in your OP
Call the Police if he comes within 6 feet of you

This is going to be blunt, but I’m finding it hard to sympathise.

You’re not trapped. You’re choosing to stay in this relationship.

It’s different for a woman who lives with someone, where you share a house, and leaving isn’t as simple as just never going back.

you don’t live together. You’re not currently there. So you don’t go back. The end. There is literally no reason why you need to, other than that you’re choosing to.

So why are you choosing to? You acknowledge you’re in an abusive relationship and that you have to leave. So why haven’t you?

Text him now that it’s over. Block his number, If he finds you in public you call the police. And if he threatens to kill himself call his bluff and tell him to crack on. Even if he does, that’s still his choice. The same as it’s your choice to stay in this relationship.

I know it’s hard to take the leap and call the police, or women’s aid. But please can I give you one piece of practical advice, that you can do tonight? Please consider telling your neighbours. Please say to them, if you hear any screams or bangs or see anything suspicious, please call 999 and don’t hesitate. This is something that saves lives.

OP you already know everything I am about to put here. You do know it, and others on this thread have said it. This man will not kill himself. He may, however, very well kill you. I understand and I hear you when you say that you don’t want to involve the police but for the sake of yourself and your children I urge you to reconsider this. This man is playing every trick in the domestic abusers handbook and the time when they become most dangerous is when they realise they have lost you. Please, please contact the police and your local Domestic Abuse organisation. They can refer you to agencies including MARAC who will have access to much more information including whether he has done this before. Social Care can help you to support your children. You can be offered strategies, tactics etc… to keep you and your children safe and they can talk you through things like non molestation orders. You have done absolutely nothing wrong nor to deserve this. Please reach out and let services help you

You are not trapped in the relationship you are choosing to have him back

you phone the police and report every incident. You send one text that says after your behaviour today we are finished then block

do not answer withheld numbers or any number you don’t recognise

if he contacts you you report it to the police

What’s your relationship like with your children’s dad? Would he be someone safe that could look out for you and the kids?

Another one is to block the abuser. First, keeping texts and voicemails is evidence and second, he may alert the OP to what he's going to do eg I'm coming to your house now.

Name changed for this.

I was in a very similar situation about fifteen years ago. We lived together, and there was financial control as well. I managed to get away, but it was not easy.

You can get away too, but it will be easier with help from people in real life as well as support on here. Please tell someone. I told my boss (as my partner had started following me to work and hanging around to try and "catch me in the act" of the affairs I was accused of having). I also told some mutual friends who lived close by, and who really helped. Telling the friends was not easy, because by that stage my partner had control of my phone - and we lived together - but I ordered a burner phone to be delivered to work and used that to stay in touch with them.

Fifteen years on, I have a relationship with someone else. My new partner is fully aware of what happened, and understands why I don't ever want to live with anyone else again. (Fortunately they like their own space too!) I have recovered financially. I have had a lot of therapy. Very occasionally I wake up in the night from a nightmare that my ex has come back and I am trapped. This usually happens when I am very stressed about something, and I think it will be a leitmotif that will stay with me forever. The dreams are horrid, and I am relieved when I wake up and realise it's not happening anymore.

You can do this. Please find someone you can trust to help you, and please tell the police.

This is both unhelpful and unsafe information. Please ignore this poster. Do not text him to tell him that you are leaving.

I hope you are ok. You must be really shaken up - that sounds really traumatic. He is absolutely a very dangerous man and you need to distance yourself as carefully as possible.

Don't worry about getting police involved. They can be very discreet as they will understand the dangerous situation you are in.

They do need to know. Otherwise you even more vulnerable and you need to be as safe as possible for your children too.

I would also advise getting yourself kitted out before you break it off: extra door chains, window locks, ring doorbell or door way cams front and back, let your neighbours know to call police if they ever here loud shouting from a man at your house. Get a new phone and number lined up and discuss a non-molestation order with the police.

I'd be on my knees praying he did kill himself, but nah he won't, they rarely do. And even if he carried it out well that's on him, not you.

Call the police please and report it all, block his number, or change your number, change your door locks,

Go to court and get a barring and safety/protection order
Speak to your kids school and tell them the only 2 people to collect your kids are you and the father of your children. No one else ever.

Stay strong and be safe, he cannot stop you ending this relationship, you do not require his permission to end it

You need to leave - safely, with support from a domestic violence organisation. Abusive men who threaten suicide have been shown to be more likely to murder their partner than abusive men who do not threaten suicide. When he tells you he will kill himself, you should hear "I will kill you". Think of your children, they need you.

OP.

YOU ARE AMAZING.

seriously, well done for posting here.

now for some tough love. You do matter, you do know this, and you have got this.

you know what he is like and you have kept your children away. They have not met him. That’s so good.

taking the next step, in order to protect them going forward, you need to protect yourself.

i sense you don’t want to think about you, so think about your babies. What happens to them if you go back there. Your instincts have been correct all along. Follow them. Keep those children safe, by keeping mum safe.

women’s aid, police, tonight.

OP, he is trying to coerce you into a relationship and you sound seriously concerned about your safety. I appreciate the level of fear that transpires from your post. However appeasing him by keeping the relationship alive will not work. You do not owe this mad man any kind of relationship. You do not owe him any interaction. You do not even owe him an explanation. Break it off and keep yourself safe. That is what you owe your children and yourself.
I do think it's a police matter. He is insane.

You need to call the police, he is completely unhinged, sorry but if he slits his wrists that’s on him 100% and not your fault. And tbh if he did do I wouldn’t be worried, what I would be very worried about is the extent of his capabilities of harm that he could do you.

Agree with the above but also does your Ex/ the father of your kids know? Does your Ex actively support the kids?

im no expert - so talk to women’s aid - but if their kids are potentially in harms way they should be informed and maybe it’s an option that they stay with dad for a while.

Priority is safety of you and your kids, who need you… good luck and don’t go back xx

I hope that the reason OP isn't responding to posts at the moment is because she's getting some professional advice on how to keep herself safe before she says anything else to this man or does anything in relation to him.

Telling someone in the OP's position that you don't sympathise with them because they have chosen this is a really good way to discourage them from reaching out to professional services who might help them. OP, please know that this is not what the police or any domestic abuse assistance service would think. They would want you to call so that they can help you.

Please, please, please seek some help/advice, even if you speak with Women's Aid before speaking with the Police. You deserve better and to feel safe. This is not normal. If your children were in this situation, you would be taking further action. I am writing this with a tear in my eye.

Right now you are choosing this man over your kids.

The man that doesn’t like you, who is abusive and nasty - that’s the man you are choosing over your kids.

You are not trapped. Honestly, i can't stress this enough. You don't live together, you don't tely on him to put food on your table or a roof over your head. He's trying to mess with your head by threatening suicide, but he's much more likely to hurt you than himself.

I work with men like him every day. I read the police accounts of how they treat their girlfriends. They are unoriginal, inadequate and very dangerous, precisely because they are unable to function like normal adults. The worst thing is that they lurch from woman to woman to woman, causing chaos and destruction along the way, collecting restraining orders like cheap trainers.

Please speak to the police, and get this sad loser out of your life.

I think you should do a Claire’s Law request on this man. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s been violent in the past.