I need to talk about this

[Lostandscared1]

Basically what the title says. And I’m posting in AIBU for traffic.

i am very nervous to post this

35F, he is 32M. We do not live together. I have children from previous relationship and he has not met them - important info.

I am in an abusive relationship. There is no question or doubt about it. We have been together for coming up to a year, yes I know it has not been long. I had rose tinted glasses on up until April/May time this year and I have tried to end the relationship a few times.

i need to tell someone, anyone about what happened this morning. I had stayed at his this weekend whilst my children were with exDP. We had actually had quite a nice weekend up until late last night where we got home from a date night I had organised where suddenly the cheating claims came out etc etc etc. This morning it kicked off again as I tried to express my hurt calmly about something and he just hit the roof and told me to get the fuck out of his house so, I proceeded to do so by getting myself ready, packed my things and went downstairs to say goodbye I shall be leaving now. He went absolutely insane, and I mean insane. He was screaming at the top of his voice against the fireplace wall, punched himself in the head and proceeded to scream at me, in my face calling me all the names under the sun and he ran into the kitchen where the back door is to exit so I could leave and he picked up a knife. When I tell you I was scared, I was terrified so I rushed to unlock the back door to escape. He proceeded to hold the knife against his own wrists and scream at me im going to slit my wrists and your going to watch me die. I obviously begged and pleaded with him not to do that, knife still in his hand and he was shouting that nothing would satisfy him more knowing that he dies and I watched him. He then held the knife in the air so I ran back to the back door and he screamed at me to shut it and I said no, he slammed the knife down and said shut the door so I did. He was screaming at me that I drive him to this, I’m narcissistic im evil, all the usual abuse I get almost daily at this point. I was shaking, sobbing, and he went and sat down and then was accusing me of having another boyfriend, that I’ve manipulated every man I’ve been with. Just tearing my character down with false accusations which again is something I’m very used too. He held his fist up to me too before I went upstairs to get changed, and he chased me up the stairs and got in my face to shout at me to tell him what I was saying to his face.

i physically cannot leave. I am trapped. After this, he acted like nothing had happened. He was laughing at social media, trying to make jokes whilst I was completely numb all afternoon waiting for the time I can leave to have my children back.

in the times I’ve tried breaking up with him before but I haven’t physically been with him, he’s found me and he’s gone hysterical at me until I’ve changed my mind or he threatens to attack me or come into the place I am and confront me, or he’s gotten into his car and screamed at me where I am until I tell him and then he threatens suicide.

please do not judge please be kind.

i feel like I’m dealing with someone who has a serious split personality disorder. I do not want the police involved, but I do need to leave. I’m working with a therapist currently to understand why I allowed this in the first place. I’m a lot stronger now but the reactions I get terrify me, especially today.

i just needed to get this out and I just need to hear that what I am experiencing is not ok. Apparently I’m the evil bitch.

Fear of fear itself so often holds us back

and you are in fear of him, I was in fear of my ex for years after I feared him because he had abused me and broken that’s what abuse does and he has abused you

you know you have to inform the police, I can assure you this man has done this before likely a number of times and will sadly go on to do this again. All you can do is protect yourself and your children

He is likely to make all kinds of promises and threats and you have to take the treats seriously. Do not try to reason with him, do not engage in any conversations at all he will try to talk his way round, apologise etc all you need to say to him is (if he somehow finds a way to contact you)
to leave you alone and you have reported him to the police

I shall repeat do not engage with him at all. Remember he is the manipulative one and will already have worked out your vulnerabilities and how to get around you, do not give him that chance you owe him nothing

and he doesn’t have a split personality do not waste time trying to understand him, he is an abuser it’s that simple.. Spend that time thinking about yourself

best of luck and please remember on here you will get a lot of support, those that can’t be supportive ignore

Thankyou for daring to talk plainly. I think you've summarised the reality very well.

I find it very frustrating that the obvious differences are being purposefully ignored. The choice element alongside the acknowledgement of what and who he is. (Whilst not being tied to him in any legal capacity)

It's an insult to those of us who didn't have that choice and prior knowledge.

Op is making an informed choice. It is as simple as that.

And yes contact Women’s Aid they give fantastic advice

you have started by blocking him, well done keep to that and change your number it’s a step in the right direction

But the point isn't that she needs to leave him. I think her posts make it pretty clear she knows that. It's the how. How to do it safely when he's capable of waving a knife in her face.

@Lostandscared1 have you ever done a Claire's Law application on him?

Ive been in an awful DV marriage and I don't feel its an insult OP. Its not an informed choice.

You've got people really rooting for you. You're doing well OP. Keep going

Another one who was in an abusive marriage and isn’t insulted

abuse can happen in so many different ways, however it happens it’s harmful

She is trapped because when she makes a move to leave he brandishes a knife.

This thread brought me right back and made me realise that I probably still have ptsd from a similar situation. But this isn’t about me. It is about you op. The police have to be told. I know you are probably frightened to do that because you have kids and you fear for their safety - a legitimate concern. But someone flourishing a knife is so serious. He should be charged with threatening behaviour.

Op, I hope that your therapist will reassure you that you did not allow this. He did it all by himself.

Knives were involved in a very serious situation. You are saying this person was aware that they would have a knife and chose to walk into that situation?

No woman chooses to be abused.

You know that test you apply to your words? Are they helpful? Are they kind? Are they true?

I suggest the answer to all of these would be no to your post so I suggest that you gracefully stop commenting on this thread. This is serious stuff not an opportunity for you to kick the boot in to a woman whose boundaries have been so violated that, without knowing it, she is probably under his control. Violence, or the threat of violence, has that effect on people.

This is not realistic and you should not be giving out this advice based on your singular experience of your father. Look at the statistics on the number of women each year who are murdered by their partner. Sadly your dad is atypical, these men are a real danger.

Please don’t think for a single second that you can rule out anything. He will do whatever he can to control you. You need professional help, call women’s aid and marshal your resources - friends, money so you are never stuck. Is your exDP on side and someone you can trust? Your safety, and that of your children, is the most important thing. Don’t focus on anything else - no-one else’s opinions or feelings matter. You need to be ruthless in keeping yourself safe from him.

You are a simpleton with absolutely no understanding of human psychology. If your theories were true then emotional abuse wouldn’t exist in any capacity.

I'm sorry you found yourself in that situation with no warning, so glad you got out of it.

Myself, i had a few red flags that I didn't recognise until it was too late. Maybe it's my fault then i got my head kicked in?? The signs were there.

It doesn't always start off slow and insidious but maybe its only the stupid women that let it continue.

Break away immediately, it will not be easy, remember the longer you play along the harder it will be.
Stay safe.
Inform the police and neighbours about this psychotic man, if you have not got cameras, get some.
Good luck.

My absolute biggest regret in life is that I didn’t call the police, and this happened to me years ago.
I did eventually contact Women’s Aid who were great.
My ex used to threaten to kill himself to keep me there and he accused me of cheating because he was doing it himself and getting away with it.
He is so dangerous, you are not trapped, change your locks, add more of them plus cameras to keep yourself and your children safe, don’t choose him over them and tell everyone you know so you have people looking out for you.

Please call Refuge. They are amazing. You must call someone and talk about this. They will help you. You need the support right now.
https://refuge.org.uk/

And the National Domestic Abuse Helpline:
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
tel:08082000247 0808 2000 247
(24 hours)

You must just pick up the phone and start to talk.

You must NEVER return to his house.
You are a mother and your kids need you.
He could have even just accidentally in his extreme rage done something that would have hurt or killed you.
He is NOT SAFE.

It's not his fault, or your fault, but he is as he is.
But he will not change. And this will only get worse.
The ONLY way now is for you to remove yourself from the situation, and you need help and support to do this.

There's an instinct to just lay low after something like this, try to pretend it didn't happen. You are in shock, and usually it takes 3-4 days to come down after something like this. But resist the instinct to lie low. Call someone while it's fresh in your mind.

They will help you so very much. Call them, and let them help.
For your sake, and for your children's sake.

He certainly sounds like a person who will show up as a known danger to women. Seek a Clare’s Law disclosure and you should be able to access the support you need to get him out of your life

There are idiots on most threads including yours OP. But some posters are reacting they way they are because they have lived experience and are worried for you. Please get help today x

You are clearly struggling to break away from a violent and abusive man.

You are in a fortunate position compared to many other women in a relationship with a man like this - you have no ties and can simply walk away without a single look back. You are obviously not fortunate to be with someone like this - but your circumstances mean you can make a swift, clean break.

You have said you genuinely fear he might kill you.

What happens to your children if he turns the knife on you on you next weekend with him? Are you willing to leave your children without a mother just because you weren’t prepared to end the relationship and mean it this time?

I promise I’m not being unkind. But I find that if I’m struggling to make a decision that allows me to take care of myself, it becomes easier if I centre my children. This might help you too.

You’re a good mum, you’ve kept him away from them. But if you continue with him, you can’t do that forever. And there’s always the risk that he’ll just turn up at your house.

Your children could get hurt. Traumatised. Or left on their own as their mum has been killed.

If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your children. That’s a powerful incentive to get away and stay away.

Lots of good advice on this thread about what to do and who to talk to. But certainly 100% you need to talk to the police.

Unfortunately like many others on this thread, I’ve been with a violent and abusive man. So I speak from a place of knowledge.

You’re home safe now with your DC. You never need to see this man again. Please, please don’t consider going back. Finish this NOW.

@Lostandscared1 well done for having the bravery to post here. @valentinka31 has given you some great contacts.

Please don't be afraid of calling the police. He sounds unhinged and so the chances are they will need to be involved at some point. Let it be now before this escalates. It sends a clear message that you have support. Call the other agencies as well. Wishing you well

Please block him and change your number. I used to work in a call centre for a mobile phone company and we would offer free number changes with a crime reference number from the police for victims of harassment and violence. I promise it's much easier to change your number with all the important people you need to have your number than it is to come back from the dead if this man keeps getting a hold of you.

Get ring doorbells, CCTV and dashcams. ASAP.

Contact the police, tell them everything. They may be able to offer a temporary protection order, you may have to go to court for a permanant one.

If you need to take time off of work to organise your safety most good employers at least should have a domestic violence policy to allow you time off to sort your affairs. They might even be able to fund specialist immediate therapy. Mine did for me when I left a similar situation, and it's something I've looked for when looking at other potential employers too and many offer it even if not explicitly documented. It is worth asking about, if you feel comfortable disclosing information to your workplace on a confidential basis.

OP I’ve been there and I really feel for you. I know you say your children are safe and unaffected, but from my own experience I know that there is no way you can be fully emotionally present for them while you are living in this amount of fear and worry. The lasting impact of this will already be huge for you, and the longer you stay the worse it will be. Please speak to the police and women’s aid and get help, follow their advice, stay somewhere he can’t find you for now, and make sure you have your house fully secured with cameras/alarms etc. I don’t know if you own your house or are renting, but if you happen to be in a HA house the HA should be able to come and fit things to make your house more secure - eg fireproof letterbox, window alarms, panic alarm, security light etc.

Then don't fucking answer. And change your number. Go to the police, go to women's aid. Stop interacting with this vile POS.

Your kids are affected because you are affected, there is no way anyone can experience all this and not have the stress of it affect their behaviour.

Speak to the police. Let them know you intend on blocking him on everything, informing him it is over, ensuring he cannot get into your property. So that if you need to call 999, they are already aware.

ANY and EVERY time he indicates he is going to kill himself, you let the police know that he's threatened to do that, immediately. That is the limit of your responsibility there - if they decide that threat is credible, they'll do a welfare check.

I won't promise to you that he won't kill himself - he might, people have (I know of someone who used threats of suicide to blackmail someone in a pretty much identical way, he did eventually kill himself, whilst in sole charge of their baby daughter!)... but IF he does, the responsibility for his actions lies entirely with HIM, not you.

Similarly, if he hurts himself, if he punches someone else, if he drives aggressively and causes an accident... or any other of the myriad things he could do... those will be his responsibility, not yours.

Please don't minimise this - he will go too far one day, it might be you he kills not himself and that will absolutely affect your kids.